Debt Bomb shell dropped on me

financialdisease

Added ib my commentd

LannieDuck wrote: »

Do you not have anyone locally you can speak to - a sibling or close friend?
I feel to embarrassed to share it with my close friend, ome of my sisters loves other people misery and would totally gloat on ity other sis is only 19 so not on a position to understand

Was it you who said your parents wouldn't be supportive because they would expect something like this to happen? (I may be muddling you up...). If so, and if they can be constructive about it, perhaps their help and advice is exactly what you need right now.
my parents have commented about a drink problem for years bit I always brushes ot off, my Mum says she sees me turning into her and living with some one that puts there self first like my dad always did he has started to change now

And you didn't want to tell his parents because they'd be too upset (IIRC)? I think that might be a good way to go to try and get through to him
his parents have enough on their plate and his mum . turns to me and the nkids for happiness knowing this would break her heart as much as it has mine, I love her to much to pit her through it.


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quidsy

You have to stop protecting him. HE has damaged, possibly detroyed your family. Telling his parents will be essential for you to get the support you will need, if they are heart broken over it, it will be HIS fault, not yours.

financialdisease

I have just TOLD him that I am going in town with my mum to spend a few hours browsing shops ans not thinking about it. He is not happy being left with a kids but I said tough.

ampersand

Just back in from Family Service - was only just late because I couldn't read and run before.

fd- I'd be up there like a shot if I could. I'm way down in the Fens, off to NZ family next week[on OAP savings, nothing more.]
But my Aberdonian-born and bred Aunt would sort your OH out in an instant.

Dear lass - 'him always being there as a dark shadow trying to block out my sun if he can't be part of it.'...look at that again.

He can't be part of it, because he's there. He is your dark shadow. He is blocking your light. You had glimpses yesterday. You know they are there, every time you head outwards and upwards, where the happily shared view is spectacular, unsullied, all yours, a memory bank day for you and the children.
Grab these chances. Make more of your own special days. The children will hit the Kevin and Perry grunt stage soon enough:-) The more you tuck away, the more you have to feed on when the going gets tougher and the emotional blackmail cranks up.

Look - you're a strong, self-sufficient, financially intelligent woman, with well-developed outdoor interests and capabilities. This is your heritage for your family.

re: the children. As Martin tells us, preaches consistently, 'They are NEVER too young to learn'. Every shopping trip is an opportunity and fun[great for mental arithmetic - don't use a scanner. That's brain death] - as is playing Shops at home. Let them spy out bar-coded receipts at Tesco, for example - add those points to your own[if you're a Mr T shopper]. Engage them in choosing how those points might be redeemed, what Days Out to aim for. Let them jot down prices as you go round, work out catch-weights, check the receipt afterwards. Any mistakes mean Double the Difference back in your purse - or in the Bonus savings jar[ice-cream money maybe].
Not only that - they will discern quality, difference, price, possibility.
Let them bag up their own apple, banana, orange supply for the week.

It's all a great game finally, this span of ours on a beautiful planet, but you must be minded to win this one, fd. The Rules are out there. Only people who sign up and abide by them can play.
#
' I haven't asked him to leave because I am not sure if its what I want.'
Yes, it can feel scary, especially as you have developed and exercised such a strong habit/coping dependency mechanism over 14 years.

The cold turkey on this menu is palatable and better than your present diet.
########
Have a good afternoon out with Mum.

It's good for him to be taking the children out himself, getting some fresh air[one can hope]. Some dads rarely get this chance.

LannieDuck

I think either your close friend or your Mum would be the best to talk to.

Re your close friend - why should you be embarrassed, it's his mess. If the positions were reversed, would you want your friend to tell you so you could help her? You need someone to talk to about it and offer emotional support. That's what friends are for.

Re your Mum - it sounds as if she might have some words of wisdom for you, if she's been in a similar type of relationship. Perhaps she'd welcome the opportunity to help you avoid making the same mistakes that she's made?

sourcrates

Cant really offer any advice on this, but good luck with it, it must be a very difficult situation for you to deal with.

hohum

financialdisease wrote: »

I think I need to find s real life person to share this with some one to give me the strength I need I know I shouldn't be embarrassed but my first worry is people thinking I am stupid for not knowing and thinking that I am part of causing this mess which I am do angry about I feel sick at thinking I could have been a symptom of it allowing it to continue for so long.

The kids will be devastated and will no way understand why i am sending their dad away because the truth will mean nothing to them they are to young yo understand money and have never seen a reason to think dad is horrible.

He still has a few £100s available on each card and has said about leaving running ip morr debt and going bankrupt disappearing sad pathetic nasty things to say that thankfully I don't have the ability to dwell on just in one ear out of the other :mad:

hello, I've followed this thread but not commented before as haven't really had anything to add to the support you have received.

But this post, and your discovery about just how little you can trust what he tells you at the minute definitely rang bells with me.

I didn't have children with my ex, and he didn't have an addiction...but he certainly did not put me above being able to continue his drinking and associated lifestyle. I heard almost exactly the same crap from him. When we finally split (it took me a year to actually end the relationship because I thought we should 'work' at our relationship :huh:), he erased all the contact details for his family from our address book, left owing my family money and took loads of petty things with him.

After we split just about all my friends and family who had been holding their tongue for years were so happy to be able to offer their support and finally say what they thought of him!

At my lowest point with him before we split (he was passed out drunk and bleeding in the bath, he was a big man and I couldn't move him on my own) I finally did call a friend and she was amazing. I wish I had called her earlier but it was my pride that stopped me. People want to help, you can tell by this thread going on for pages. Talk to your mum, or talk to your friend. you may be surprised by them, in a good way.

My parents approach to the whole thing was that the money he owed them was a small price for having him out of our lives.

I am now with a loving man who would never, ever put me in the situation my ex did with money. What I noticed is that you can become accustomed to the crazy. I remember in the early days of new relationship suddenly realising that this was normal: no being afraid of the binges, dealing with debt collectors, explaining why I wouldn't commit benefit fraud etc etc Not being able to trust your partner with really basic stuff is not something you have to put up with, but you can get so used to it that you can forget it.

It took me quite a long time to allow myself to end the relationship. Whatever you decide, do take advantage of real life support because it isn't something you should deal with alone.

ampersand

fd - what hohum has written:
'What I noticed is that you can become accustomed to the crazy.'
and here:
[COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]'....you can get so used to it that you can forget it.[/COLOR]'

are perfect descriptions of where you are teetering now.

Listen to hohum - and act, please. hohum - I am glad that you at last have a true loving partnership.

Eviesmummy

Sending you a huge (((hug))) I had to sit hubby down and issue my ultimation in a cold detatched manner - getting upset or angry wouldn't have got his attention so much. I clearly set out this WE work through this together or HE does it by himself, outside of the home. I told him that if WE were going to work it out that meant him surrendering his bank card to me and allowing me access to his online banking so I could track his bills and make payments etc. That might sound harh to some but being inconrol of trying to sort this mess out was the only way I could stay with him AND hold onto my sanity. If I didn't love him he'd have been packing that night. The hurt, dishonesty and the shame felt so much worse than the actual money.

He did aggree to this and we are slowly working through it. His overdraft is almost back in the black, and there have been no missed payments racking up charges. We're getting there in the trust stakes too, although it's taken 5 months to get to this point and it'll be longer still before I can even consider giving him access to his own money again - only when he's in the black and has no means of getting credit.

Thinking of you xx

kelpie35

I have sent you a PM