Debt Bomb shell dropped on me

livingindreamland

I totally understand where you are, I discovered a week before Christmas that hubby was 54k in debt, and due to a tax demand no money to pay the mortgage etc, let alone Christmas shopping. Not sure it's the right way to deal with life, but he is now on a DMP with StepChange - who have been a life saver, and is now only given pocket money. Four months on, and we are probably better off now that before, I just wish he had told me the situation earlier, than try to borrow his way out of debt so he didn't worry me!

eyeopener2

livingindreamland wrote: »

I totally understand where you are, I discovered a week before Christmas that hubby was 54k in debt, and due to a tax demand no money to pay the mortgage etc, let alone Christmas shopping. Not sure it's the right way to deal with life, but he is now on a DMP with StepChange - who have been a life saver, and is now only given pocket money. Four months on, and we are probably better off now that before, I just wish he had told me the situation earlier, than try to borrow his way out of debt so he didn't worry me!

Ha, sounds like me. The money fairy will sort it out. It doesn't.

You end up doing it yourself (with full support from partner) so start as soon as you can.

If that means pocket money, then pocket money it is.

financialdisease

I don't know what to type anymore I didn't see any issues with our relationship and independence even after the bomb shell. Hearing that others can see the problem that I am blind to is an eye opener!

ampersand

eyeopener2 wrote: »

Ha, sounds like me. The money fairy will sort it out. It doesn't.

You end up doing it yourself (with full support from partner) so start as soon as you can.

If that means pocket money, then pocket money it is.

#
...which is exactly where you sing from the same hymn-sheet as FireWyrm. You express a strong sense of 'couple' and 'commitment' too.
You deserve mighty congratulations, eo2.

fd - no-one will have posted with any desire to undermine or query your notion of what works for you...if it does.
But it isn't, is it?...or you wouldn't be here. There's a sense of semi-detached at best, habitually established.
Problem debt is NOT a unifier, nor an excuse to be seen as one. The attitude of the person responsible for the debt, the deceit, the camouflage, the questionable spending choices[excess drinking and gambling] - all have been used here - is key.

Nothing has been met head-on by OH with honesty so far.

For all that we blunder along in Life, there are clear moments - you are at one - where the need to think, the whirling won't-stop thoughts and self-questioning won't be stilled.

Who but you can be the template maker, the value-builder for your children right now?
Who should be?....you and OH, together.

His ridiculous daily spending is bonkers. Let OH face his employers re: lack of car.
Stop being his get-out clause.

Don't put your financial teeter tower at risk by trying yet again:
' I am good at selling to fund new purchases so I guess I could do that'
Back into the old loop again...that sort of reliance/addiction is not grown-up love or commitment.

Look at your signature! let alone your choice of name - ?????????????????
You know what's happening, what needs to happen.
OH, if you're reading this and know it too, you've taken the first step.

I hope so, for all your sakes. Support won't cease for you, op, even if you're feeling other ingredients have dropped into the mix. They're worth consideration.

FireWyrm

financialdisease wrote: »

I don't know what to type anymore I didn't see any issues with our relationship and independence even after the bomb shell. Hearing that others can see the problem that I am blind to is an eye opener!

I'm sorry to be so harsh, but that is the bottom line.

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. In our case, I made a decision and I have been happy with that decision. In reality, we parted for over a year before we managed to get it together and sort it out. It took me storming out one night and not coming back to get him to pull his head out of his !!! and start to realise just how deadly serious I was.

eyeopener2

We see these types of threads a lot.

I think the point is to try and guide you through the debt maze and then point out any underlying issues that may be lurking. In your case it's someone else's issues but they effect you and your children directly.

The aim is to make things better for you and your family. However the problems, and possible solutions, can sometimes be painful to read and even harder to act on.

Miss_Poohs

Everyone's relationship is different FD - what is right for you may not be for another couple, doesn't mean it's wrong.
Would you want the kind of relationship where you had to do everything as a family unit? Frankly that would drive me nuts.
I was more upset about the deceit my husband used to hide his debt, I will never understand why he hid it all from me, doesn't mean our marriage is a sham.
You have lots of things whirling around in your head right now, deal with the issues you have control over - then see how you feel.

livingindreamland

I have to agree with Miss Poohs, most people would not have understood why I stood by hubby, but in truth I think I always knew he was spending above his means (and living in dreamland whilst he was barely managing) and in truth it's not like he had an affair, he was trying to manage by borrowing to save me worrying about money. - I've worried plenty since December, but that's to MSE and StepChange life's not so bad, and we are probably closer than ever

eyeopener2

livingindreamland wrote: »

life's not so bad, and we are probably closer than ever

Is that because you're working as a team?

financialdisease

Thanks Miss Poohs and liadl I was starting to see a problem thats not there, I wouldn't want to do everything together or we wouldn't be doing the things I love hubby wouldn't throw himself in a Loch for fun or dangle from a climbing rope for all the tea in china but it makes me beam from ear to ear, I feel the same as him about having a pint at a football match. I love doing the things with the girls without having him moan about queues or the kids climbing on chairs etc. Not because he is horrible juat because he hates waiting and feels like people are staring if they dont behave where I see at is them being kids ♥