Debt Bomb shell dropped on me

FireWyrm

I'm sorry, but have you been reading what you've written over the last few pages?

financialdisease wrote:

Hearing that others can see the problem that I am blind to is an eye opener!

financialdisease wrote:

I hope he is reading and can see that the advice is all good

financialdisease wrote:

I don't like confrontation

financialdisease wrote:

I sent him a message asking about using the bonus to make the minimum payments to the cards therefore leaving him with £900 after bills, I have said he must make additional payment of £500 off of his wages and transfer the other £700 to me for safe keeping. I will let you know his reply.

financialdisease wrote:

he is off out again tomorrow evening but has promised to type up some holding letters tomorrow on his lunch hour I said to bring them home and I will send them recorded delivery

financialdisease wrote:

I just searched for and sent him the customer service address for all of the banks involved

Where in what you have said are you indicating that this is a marriage and that he is pulling his own weight? You are acting like a) a mother and b) his landlady

Where is HIS responsibility? I dont see any indication that this is in any way a partnership. He gives you money (grudgingly), runs up bills that threaten the welfare of his family and then you run around and fix it - he doesnt have to take a single ounce of effort to save this 'partnership'. Sooner or later, years down the line, you'll get sick of this and it will be a whole lot worse then.

financialdisease

I really appreciate all of the comments weather positive or negative.

He is stupid stupid stupid and we both know that even if he is off the mortgage they still chase him for it but I have decided I would feel happier a d safer to keep it on my own. I honestly think that the idiotic comments about BR was just said to get to me I believe that a DAS is the best for his situation. Don't you have to prove that you have NO disposable income for TD or BR? He does 1

bouncydog1

What a wonderful person you are, despite being married to a prize idiot!! Quite frankly you could do far better. He clearly has no respect for you at all - sorry if that upsets you, but from what you have written there are many men out there who would snap you up and treat you like a partner instead of the nanny and housekeeper. He acts like a single bloke, going out when he feels like it and not holidaying with his family. I would get rid of quick!!

Miss_Poohs

FD please speak with a debt councillor today.
My situation was very different to yours in that there was a money trail I could prove was mine and I wanted that protected. Yes I got the house signed into my name and I took out a new mortgage myself to cover this, it was all done to safeguard me and our son.
My OH had to face up up to the debt he had because I wasn't going to do it for him, he has done this and it's been awful watching him struggle but it wasn't my distaster to clear up.
Its immaterial how your OH deals with the situation but as it stands your family home is an asset and if his creditors get a sniff that there's financial trouble looming they will want their pound of flesh.
Let him take the flack, protect yourself and your wee ones, and with any luck and a lot of hard work you'll all come through this together x

-taff

bouncydog1 wrote: »

What a wonderful person you are, despite being married to a prize idiot!! Quite frankly you could do far better. He clearly has no respect for you at all.... I would get rid of quick!!

One of my relatives is married to man like this [without the gambling].
Their respective parents were more in love than they were, hence their loveless marriage, him taking sepearate holidays and their children having no respect for their father.
They were forced into marriage, but it was their chice to stay married.
Not every situation is clear cut.

lilbert

No advice I'm afraid but just wanted to pop by and say, you are a very incredible and patient, loving person. I can barely believe how well and level headed you've handled this situation and are treating your OH. Well done to you! X

hettiecarro

financialdisease wrote: »

Him "oh great, forums can save the world"

They may not actually save the world - but believe me, after 2 (fortunately failed) suicide attempts, this forum gave me my sanity, belief that I could sort it, and MASSES of support when I felt like giving in. To everyone on here I want to say thanks :A
My OH is a head in the sand ostrich - so I'm not saying things to you that haven't been said to me in the.past.
I had 2 LBM's. The first realising and accepting the debt - and the second realising I would have to put ME and MY situation before any misplaced loyalty for my partner. Fortunately as he has seen the difference this has made to our lives he is coming round to my way of thinking.
We all talk of 'tough love' for our children when necessary - and that's what my OH had from me. I don't believe you love someone unconditionally without disappearing yourself - so the last 5 years have been TOUGH for him. And I am sorry? Not a bit.
Whilst managing the debt, we are having a holiday this year for the first time in 5 years. All paid for . May be more modest than in the past - but even OH has said how much more he will enjoy it knowing he won't have to spend the next year paying it off.
As your OH has continued basically to live the life of a single man, maybe one of his issues is not being 'one of the lads' anymore. But true friends don't want to see you up to your eyes in debt. Does he gamble with his pub friends or is it his own secret vice?
He may well need lots of professional help with this.
At some point you have to SIT AND DISCUSS THIS - not send texts. I think the least he can do is afford you the courtesy of some time. Have you anyone (family etc) who could have the children for a weekend to give you some privacy to talk?
If you suggest this and he rejects it, unfortunately I don't know your next step forward.
Am sending you that smile now!!
Hettie
x

bouncydog1

-taff wrote: »

One of my relatives is married to man like this [without the gambling].
Their respective parents were more in love than they were, hence their loveless marriage, him taking sepearate holidays and their children having no respect for their father.
They were forced into marriage, but it was their chice to stay married.
Not every situation is clear cut.

You are correct - however a relative was married to a man like FD's. End result when they eventually split up was that he had taken loans in her name, and she lost everything. He used to gamble heavily and pay everything on his credit card - his bill was £7k per month (I kid you not) so his salary was used every month to pay the card bill. relative was left with health issues caused by the stress when she found out what he had done and now in her 50's she had to move back in with her mother and go bankrupt. He's still in a good job with a new partner and blamed everything on the ex!!! Charming man who gives financial advice to others!!

ampersand

Bonjour fd - glad to see some healthy anger surfacing.

You MUST get proper advice about the mortgage - Read coolcait's #167 carefully.
There will be a legally binding form of words which exempts you from all his liabilities historically, currently and in the future. Investigate this with CAB.
OH- if you are reading this ' he has just told me he is speaking to an insolvency practitioner tomorrow for advice on going br' NOOOOOOO! Insolvency practitioners charge money. YOU DO NOT NEED PAID FOR ADVICE. Consult CAPUK or Stepchange.

OH - You are still playing for magic wand time. That party's over.

fd - Remember that your address can receive any black mark initially, without distinction as to person. If this is a Bankrupt's address, it will affect you too. You alone on the mortgage will be holder of the sole retrievable asset. You have to tie this up tighter than xxx as my late beloved would say.

I put in another word for CAPUK or Stepchange.

You also need professional advice now. Do nothing about his mess over the car. You are not the employee. Emotional blackmail takes many forms: 'anything for a quiet life', 'don't want any more tears', 'let him be happy with his mates, keeps things easier when he's back here', 'the children and I can forget all about [whatever]when we have our hols'.....your capability and even keel has been hiding the feet paddling madly below. Even your pleasures up mountains have been escape hatches, transformed from what I am certain were initially utter unqualified joys for you.

They're still out there, for an unencumbered you, not as crutches, nor displacement, but forward pleasures in a proper Life, not this hobbled existence. Again I ask what template this is setting for your children as parents in their own right.

Get the sun on your face and strength in your mindset today.

dawnybabes

He really needs to grow up, and act like a family. I have some holidays separate from my hubby whilst he works but we still have family holidays and family days out.