Debt Bomb shell dropped on me

asparagus1968

morning FD,

glad you are not being a pushover. Really hope he does read this thread, actually, if he won't ,that'll tell you how committed he is in sorting this out.
I think I'm feeling angry at him on your behalf, how bizarre!
good posts from those with the maths skills:) and brilliant insight from eyeopener, so lots for him to take on board, hopefully as a wake up call and help and advice.
hope you slept better, are you back at work today? at least it may take your mind off things for a little while.
have a good day

financialdisease

I slept better right through from 11-7.40, I am off all week with it being the school holidays bit we have a jam packed week ahead so no moping around the house I hope we are out already. I imagine I will get angry if I don't see some real action soon.

Miss_Poohs

That's really odd my hubs is the same FD......he doesn't make any decisions either, makes my blood boil. Then when I do make a decision or choice he moans he wasn't asked - ye cannae win.
You enjoy your time off - I'm off too

Jenniefour

-taff wrote: »

Reading what you've posted it sounds as if he's told you about most of it, but he's not willing yet to make a plan to sort it out.

It;s understandable at the moment, you only found out about it a couple of days ago, so you're still in the 'I can sort this out straightaway' stage.
He's in the 'I'm relieved she knows about it but I'm going to keep my head in the sand for a little bit longer to see if she can sort it out for me' stage.

He has a gambling problem, you had a quick sniff of it after you paid the credit card bill off the first time.
He's now run up thousands in debt because of this problem, which is not going to just disappear because he's told you he owes money. I expect the only reason you found out was because he just couldn't hide it anymore

If he can't live on £50 a week spending money when he's making packed lunches for work, what is he spending it on?
If he doesn't address the problem that underlies the debt, which is an addiction, how will you feel if he gambles away your kids money, your home and your lifestyle? Because it could happen.

And now that Ive beeen the voice of doom....Well done so far, chin up

OP, you sound very sensible and determined. I just want to say please take heed of what has been said here by -taff. There are two very serious problems here - the debt and the gambling.

What is OH willing to do about this, and how will you know he's managed to deal with his addiction? He needs treatment - even if he thinks otherwise or tries to convince you he doesn't.

Wishing you well.

countrygirl1

Hello FinancialDisease,

My heart really goes out to you, and you are understandably reeling from this bad news.

I appreciate that you love your OH very much. But please let me say one thing - DO NOT HELP HIM WITH HIS DEBTS!!! And certainly do not try and get a loan in your name to sort them out for him. I recently joined the forums here to get help and advice due to my husband relying on me to feed his bad spending habits. I am now up to my eyeballs in debt and have seriously been considering leaving him because he wouldn't change. Your other half needs to fix his problems himself - albeit with your love and support, but I really don't see how you have the capacity to support him financially anyway, you are a working mum like me - trust me, the outcome is not good!!!

Listen to all the help and advice here, the support is amazing and I can honestly say since posting my thread about my situation recently I feel totally refreshed. The next thing is that you really need to get him on board with finding a solution, whether that's a case of him joining MSE too, doing an SOA with you, or starting to try and make extra money to pay things off and put them right.

Keep us updated! x

comeandgo

Hi, I had similar experience with a previous husband, not the spending, the using me to make all the decisions, arrange all the car servicing, holidays, the lot. It got to be we were not in a sharing relationship, I felt like his carer and it ruined our sex life. I began to feel like I was a mother to him and could not shake that feeling. Hope things work out for you.

Pixie5740

comeandgo wrote: »

Hi, I had similar experience with a previous husband, not the spending, the using me to make all the decisions, arrange all the car servicing, holidays, the lot. It got to be we were not in a sharing relationship, I felt like his carer and it ruined our sex life. I began to feel like I was a mother to him and could not shake that feeling. Hope things work out for you.

I have experienced this too, thankfully I wasn't married to him so it was easier to walk away. It got to the stage where in my head I kept screaming, "Just make a f**king decision for once in your life!!!! Argghhhh!"

They won't make a decision but are more than happy to criticise yours.

sourcrates

Pixie5740 wrote: »

I have experienced this too, thankfully I wasn't married to him so it was easier to walk away. It got to the stage where in my head I kept screaming, "Just make a f**king decision for once in your life!!!! Argghhhh!"

They won't make a decision but are more than happy to criticise yours.

Oow lots of "man bashing" going on here ladies !!


please note we are not all of this ilk !!


I can make a decision, I think, but ??? ...oh, I dunno, what was I saying ? oh yes, cant decide ..........!!! :rotfl:lol


Seriously, we are not all that financially unsavvy, you girls have married the wrong men lol

financialdisease

sourcrates wrote: »

Oow lots of "man bashing" going on here ladies !!


please note we are not all of this ilk !!


I can make a decision, I think, but ??? ...oh, I dunno, what was I saying ? oh yes, cant decide ..........!!! :rotfl:lol


Seriously, we are not all that financially unsavvy, you girls have married the wrong men lol

The like your style

Polk

got to jump on the 'us blokes aren't all bad!' bandwagon!

my money problems are directly related to my struggles with anxiety and depression. Interestingly what is being said DOES resonate with me because of what I went through with my ex. she ended up incredibly frustrated and upset with me because of my money troubles but she utterly failed to understand the reasons behind them.
I never wanted her money, I just wanted her understanding and support to get over my money problems. It was always my problem to sort out. If anything, she was the one sticking her head in the sand. I tried all kinds of ways to get through it with her but she would not even sit down and help me work out a budget. In the end, she was just using it as a stick to beat me with every time the subject of money came up.

anyways my two pennyworth:

1) Help him because you love him. but not financially - it won't help him or you in the long run.
2) Consider that there might be an underlying issue for him that needs addressing at some point (emphasis on 'might')
3) Do not Mother him - what he needs is help to understand where he is and what he needs to do about it. Doing it for him will just reinforce the behaviour you want him to change.


If there is an underlying issue such as depression, you need to understand that decision making becomes incredibly difficult for a depressed person. Small, simple decisions you wouldn't even think about become huge difficult ones.
There are mornings when I can barely get out of bed and god forbid someone asking me if I want one sugar or two in my tea at work!
I don't want someone to do it for me, I just want a bit of understanding (along with the occasional slap to remind me of what I am supposed to be doing)