Debt Bomb shell dropped on me

eyeopener2

financialdisease wrote: »

I don't know, he said to make the card payments I just agreed. He is out I will ask when he gets back.

Shouldn't it be in addition to payments made from his salary? Or is it instead of payments from his salary?

Be interesting to know.

Edit### just seen a previous answer, if it's in addition get it all paid off this month, choose the highest interest card.

LannieDuck

It very much sounds to me as if he hasn't any intention to change.

He's made a huge mess and wants someone else to sort it all out for him - you to buy a car and you to figure out how to solve it so he can just 'click a button' and make it all go away.

If he's not willing to cut out (or at least cut down) his £100/wk, I think you have an up hill struggle in front of you.

bess1234_2

I feel for you, it's an awful discovery to make.

At some point you might need to start dealing with this more methodically. The quick links above take to to the debt guide on the main site . A budget is at the heart of going forward, and knowing what you spend on everything every week. And then the debts are paid after that.

But that is if he is wanting to change.

Good luck. I hope you do both fix it .

System

I am really going to echo what others are saying. Keep your chin up, don't touch the children's savings (not unless your home is at stake really) and most of all he needs to have his lightbulb moment, rather than you, or things will never change.

He may well have other debts or secrets that you don't know about and he needs to be brutally honest with you, particularly as you seem like a kind person who is willing to help him.

With gambling problems it is unusual for people to just stop like that and he may well continue to lie to you, ultimately it is going to be hard to trust him, particularly as he has lied before and seems to just want you to whisk all the problems away.

Good luck to you and stay strong.

financialdisease

LannieDuck wrote: »

It very much sounds to me as if he hasn't any intention to change.

He's made a huge mess and wants someone else to sort it all out for him - you to buy a car and you to figure out how to solve it so he can just 'click a button' and make it all go away.

If he's not willing to cut out (or at least cut down) his £100/wk, I think you have an up hill struggle in front of you.

I am starting to feel like this might be the case!

Maybe my soft approach was wrong and not shown him how wrong he has been but I find it difficult to be horrible to his face I can always email or txt horrible things though

He has said tomorrow he will have an off the record chat with a solicitor he has known for years through work and had already planned on speaking to a colleague about car leasing ad they are out together tomorrow not mentioning the debt though.

With DAS and TD can my income be kept separate or will it be considered when dealing with figures?

eyeopener2

It can and should.be kept seperate (I'm basing this on English debt management plans but I hardly think the Scottish way will penalise a spouse).

I think he's going about this the wrong way, unless things are really bad and he hasn't told you the whole story.

Budgeting and reigning in spending will sort this, it just takes time. Chatting with a solicitor will help planning for court ,but your not at that stage. No where near it.

You need to see all.his bank statements, card statements and loan statements. Then you can see that it is the whole story (or not as the case may be).

I know it's hard for you, my wife actually threw me out a while, but by showing I had a plan, had made contact with stepchange (cccs as was) for advice and promised to stop drinking then forgiveness came. We worked hard together over nearly 4 years to clear it. The key was my complete honesty and contrition combined with a plan to sort it.

Get him to do that, threaten him if necessary, and it will be sorted. No quick fixes, a few years of frugal living, and your free of debt. It feels great.

You can help him, but he needs to get it in his head that he has a major issue to sort out (maybe three if you include drinking and gambling) then you can work together to sort it.

You cannot do it on your own.

E2

Miss_Poohs

With DAS your wages would be taken into consideration, as the household expenses are taken as a whole.
If you don't want your wages taken into account you have to split the expenses.
If he's going to deal with this he's going to have to speak with an adviser eventually - doing a DMP yourself in Scotland is madness when DAS is available with all the benefits included in the scheme.
I supported my hubs all I could with his debts, but I have not and will not pay his debts for him.
I'm sure I'm right in saying a TD could affect your home if there's equity in it, so I'd be very wary of agreeing to go through with a TD.
Me and Mr Poohs are 6 yrs down the line and I still occasionally get riled up at him, but we've come this far, hang in there x

He owed £86,000 in 2008 today it's just under £29,000

hettiecarro

financialdisease wrote: »

a few years ago I gave him £700 from it to pay off a credit card he used playing roulette I have never got over it!

I'm sorry, but reading further through this thread it is clear to me that you have known for some time there is a problem. You may not have known the extent of it, but you have already bailed him out from one debt. Didn't this set alarm bells ringing?
You really need to decide if you can trust this man. If you keep taking control and acting like his mother he will continue in this way and take you for a ride.
You are better than this.
If he is being paid to have a car for work - let HIM pay for it.
As for using you and your childrens savings - I wouldn't even dream of it until he had assured me he was being responsible and facing up to this issue.
Sorry if I sound harsh - (particularly more so since I originally posted) - it's because I can see you being played like a violin by this man.

financialdisease

I honestly truly had no idea I thought the card thing was a one off he was crying and upset it was on his BOS that I have an additional card to, that card has been okay for ages its the one all the recent cash advances are on.

I am completely torn, im not angry or tearful just puzzled that he could do this without thinking about us.

I logged on to his credit file earlier (with his permission) it seems to have started in 2008, we both filled out applications for cards at a stall in the airport on our way on holiday that came back to me when I saw the day the card was opened. He used it all up they kept putting his limit up he got another card early 2010 to balance transfer, done it but used the original card again. He took the loan out in 2010 to pay them off and guess what he wasted it to, the next card was 2011 and the last and biggest 2012 bloody idiot

financialdisease

More than anything I want to keep my finances and wages completely out of it, how can he prove that the money he transfers to me each month is an essential bill?