Debt Bomb shell dropped on me

eyeopener2

Enjoy your climbing today.

samtoby

Just reading your thread - it is clear you want the debt issues sorted but unless he physcially does it will be a fruitless task.

sleepymans

Hi "financialdisease". I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.


I cannot stop myself from making a few observations ( not meaning to be rude) as an outsider....


Your OH feels that it is acceptable to fritter £100 a week on pints, sweets, papers etc and then complains he cannot afford to pay for a car on which his job may depend?? excuse me? Is he a man and father, or a 5 year old spoilt brat?


Your OH realises you are a coper, fixer,responsible, reliable hardworking person...he is free to therefore be weakwilled irresponsible and whats worse be completely unrestrained in either outright lying to you and his kids or at best keeping the truth from you. You, innocently, and for the best of reasons are part of "his" problem. You shouldn't feel guilty HE has let you down and betrayed YOU.


Your OH buys several newspapers a day because he is a gambler...he is more than likely studying the form, trying to get tips etc. He thinks he'll get a big win to solve his debt problem.


This behaviour has been going on for a long long time and putting it right will be equally slow.


Your OH goes off to football matches and out drinking, neither of which he can afford. He will believe its his God-given right to have the lifestyle he wants rather than the one he can afford.


I think it is highly unlikely that he will suddenly have a change of personality and become a responsible adult and father and even if you could become the sort of person to put your foot down with him and force him to pay his own debts off (which I also see no signs of) I see very rocky road ahead.


If I were in your shoes I would buy a car in my own name and let hm use it - keep him in a job at least!
His salary would go straight into a joint account which you run online and only you have the passwords. That should stop him getting new cards, loans, o/d or entering into more debt.
You start to deal with all family finances including sorting out his debts - he gets £50 a week pocket money and that's it. He is child-like with money therefore pocket money for a few years is appropriate.


All credit cards cut up and gambling accounts closed, of course.
Keep all the debt in his name by the way, you just divert as much of his income to clearing it as you can.


I would also mark time on trying to build up any savings or going on any holidays....clear the debts first.
You would thus have all the financial control as well as all the responsibility you already have!


With your coping skills you will be able to do it quite quickly. Once the whole family is debt free then you can all review the situation and start afresh.
......Good Luck

eyeopener2

Nail on head although £50 pocket money is far too much, make it a tenner and then increase if lessons are learned, behaviours change and the light bulb flickers into life.

It's going to be difficult, it usually is, but a change in mindset and taking full responsibility for your actions (and the position you have put your family in) is key.

Without that, it's a struggle.

triple_choc_chip

financialdisease wrote: »

Thank you

Its weird I know that I wouldn't be this annoyed if he was awake I would be saying all the right things like we eoll gey through this, I understand why you hid it I love you and blah blah blah because that's the sort of person I am on the outside. Right now I feel like poop the tears have stopped thankfully I really must put this phone down and sleep or I wont be climbing anything tomorrow

I wonder what he would be saying... he should be begging you to stay and not take the kids and that he has changed as of yesterday and this is how...

But you are awake, worrying into the night while he is sleeping on the sofa after enjoying a day out with his mates with a huge weight off his mind now that his 'secret' is out in the open.

I'm hoping for the best but fearing the worst.

asparagus1968

excellent post sleepymans.

Morning FD, can you show him this thread before you go, tell him you expect some action before you get back tonight ,or you will seriously be considering your own options?

Your calmness and lovely manner is amazing, but maybe he needs to know how devastated you feel.

I'm cross how he spent his day, considering how you spent yours, bless you.

Enjoy your day today ,but make sure he knows he needs to get cracking.

keep posting poppet, you have lots of pals here now.:)

financialdisease

Thanks your right about him going to football and pub a d me never has an issue, the kids and I do fun activities weekly so it just seemed fair for him to have his thing the difference is I budget to pay for it, I don't go to the shops because I know you end up buying stuff you don't need especially with 2 kids in tow. He does our food shopping and bulk buys every thing in multiples our cupboards are over flowing that will be changing.

We had a talk this morning after I sent him some honest messages about being hurt and disgusted at his selfishness. I told him a firm NO to any ideae of refinancing or consolidation. He will be sending holding letters on Monday and contacting step change to arrange a dmp he can afford to pay this back if he gets a grip on spending. He said about a joint account with no access for him other than what I give him I don't really like the idea but understand it make sense.

I feel a bit better this morning hopefully last nights melt down and tears were a ome off.

ClootiesMum

OK - i'm going to get shot down in flames for this but I have to say it - sorry
In your 1st post you said that you both work for financial institutions - i know things are a bit more lenient now but I think your DH might have to mention this to his line manager (or our bank has an Employee Assistance Programme you can call). Stepchange may well be the way to go but as he works in finance he needs to watch his CRA file.
And if you have a joint account then it might affect you too - please just be aware....

financialdisease

I won't be changing my spending and current budget to help with hus debt or tge xar which sounds extremely selfish but looking at his figures if he wasnt paying out all the amounts to debt he would be left with £916 month after his share of the bills that is a huge amount of money!

I have said roughly £400 to debt, £200 for car and £300 for him its just all guessing though he will need to listen to a debt adviser to know what is right. He is still adamant he couldn't live on £50 a week thats roughly what I have after savings and bills.

I haven't got organised for climbing so doubt I will go now, I might go to the indoor ski slopes for an hour instead on my own and leave him with the kids for a change.

financialdisease

ClootiesMum wrote: »

OK - i'm going to get shot down in flames for this but I have to say it - sorry
In your u said that you both work for financial institutions - i know things are a bit more lenient now but I think your DH might have to mention this to his line manager (or our bank has an Employee Assistance Programme you can call). Stepchange may well be the way to go but as he works in finance he needs to watch his CRA file.
And if you have a joint account then it might affect you too - please just be aware....

He is going to tell his boss tomorrow and call the employee support number if she thinks he should. Will a dmp have an effect on his credit file? Just now its rsted as 'fair'

I don't want a joint account maybe get added as an appointed representative.