Debt Bomb shell dropped on me

asparagus1968

he will need to go through the process himself

This is the main point isn't it?

Show him this thread when he gets home ,he can see others have been through it ,and that there is help and options to take.

Credit card debt is unsecured ,so your home isn't at risk, as long as he hasn't taken any secured loans out....

is the weather nice enough for you to go the park with the children? :):)

financialdisease

Thanks asparagus you have such a friendly manner ♥

The kids are out playing with their friends I am juat about to fold away their bouncy castle and start cleaning up the carnage from painting earlier!

I had a look at CAB on a sell managed DRP but its just not viable the term required to pay back £33k is crazy!

I am glad that I know now that rushing to consolidate or remortgage is the wrong choice and something we shall try to avoid. I will get him to print off and send holding letters to the creditors on Monday.

I do wonder how he would feel about reading this, he knows im a long term and active member of another forum he thinks its strange to have *online pals* he always makes out he is computer illiterate but clearly not with the debt being all done online.

Seanymph

Don't take any of it on yourself.

He has to stop whatever caused it, or you will be throwing good money after bad.

Let him deal with HIS debt. Don't parent him, take responsibility for him, or bail him out.

If you facilitate him not dealing with it himself he won't got through the process he needs to in order to mature in his attitude to money.

financialdisease

Seanymph wrote: »

Don't take any of it on yourself.

He has to stop whatever caused it, or you will be throwing good money after bad.

Let him deal with HIS debt. Don't parent him, take responsibility for him, or bail him out.

If you facilitate him not dealing with it himself he won't got through the process he needs to in order to mature in his attitude to money.

Im frightened if I don't take charge he wont do anything, he has let it fester this long how can I feel confident that he will fix it. I am a positive and practical person its in my nature to fix and solve things, I would find it impossible to sit back and watch! The horrific fear that I don't know why he did it and not addressing his reasoning may lead to it happening again makes me feel sick! He has been mentioning a trust deed I have no idea what that entails or if is a possibility so im looking for that info now.

iammumtoone

Sorry you are going through this. It is refreshing to hear from 'the other side' as I often read threads about people being in dept and are scared to tell their partners, hopefully your thread will help them to see that all is not lost there are ways to sort this out as a family and you are doing all you can to support and help your husband, well done to you.

I agree with other posters do not transfer any of his dept into your name. I can also see where you are coming from in the fact you want to take some control of the situation as it is effecting your family.

Can you do an SOA for your finances, you husband gives you £500 per month, that is a lot of money, do you need all that, can you maybe cut back a bit and take less from him so the extra can be put towards his debt (with you paying it for him if necessary). Of course he needs to look at his side of things but for a a few years you might have to cut back as well, not from your wages this is not your fault but he does give you a lot each month from his salary which you are saving and using to buy expensive holidays, not criticising you, you didn't know he was in trouble but now you do perhaps its time to re evaluate this. Once he is debt free you can go back to how things were.

Good luck I hope things work out for you.

eyeopener2

Hi

As someone who was like your OH, hiding debt, I can offer some advice.

Firstly what not to do.

Do not consolidate, for him, for you. Do not do it.

Do not pay any debts for him, he will not learn.

Now, what TO do....

Ring national debtline and ask about the debt situation in Scotland, it is very different England and Wales.

He has to suffer, not from you treating him like a leper ( not the you necessarily would) but he has to make ALL the sacrifices. I did for 4 years almost and it changes your behaviour for the better, believe me.

No trips to the pub, no football on sky, no betting (block all accounts and he won't have access to credit). Whatever it is that caused this stops, immediately. Any credit will end soon anyway.

If you are in anyway soft, then bad behaviour can surface but by showing your displeasure and watching every penny coming in ( check all bank statements regularly) you will come through this.

Support him 100%, help, advise but make him aware that this is the way it's going to be.

Oh and the not being able to access the accounts is a cop out, he still hasn't accepted the seriousness of the situation. I was the same....

And then my wife was using our joint account card and it was declined at the supermarket. These things can happen very quickly if your not careful.

Ring national debtline, they are very very good as a starting point.

Good luck

E2

financialdisease

Your right about the £500 being a lot now that I know he is in debt it doesn't go into my bank account or pot it goes into an account in my name but gets used for housey things like Mothers/Fathers day and family birthday gifts he buys his bus pass from it, £50 each goes into the kids bank accounts. The Disney holidays and kids skiing and climbing hobbies, kids clothes and school dinners I have paid for without touching the house account because I save up but again that leads back to him over coming himself to allow me to have that amount of spending money. Our out goings are small and completely achievable with our income our mortgage is only £250 a month, we don't have payed tv channels or a car or any other out of the ordinary bills. We don't go on fancy family holidays, I had no idea of the debt because none of the spending has been visible!

tiger_eyes

I don't mean to scaremonger, but until you can see proof of the debts for yourself, I would be prepared for the total owed to be significantly higher than your partner has advised you. I've noticed that people tend to confess to their partners that they have some debt, but the full scale of the debt doesn't come out until later - often people are either covering up the damage or they're genuinely not aware of how much compound interest has added up. If your partner thinks he owes about £32,000, I'd be prepared for the real total to be north of £40,000. Hoping to be proven wrong.

financialdisease

He thinks he spent around £5k over the past year in the bookies but said hasn't been in since before Christmas, I am passive with most things I find it hard to be on people case because I value self discipline and control so much I don't have any vices and decisive its something he is always teasing about because he is almost the complete opposite!

He has to factor in a car asap or his job is in trouble, he can go BR without loosing his job

I have a break down of the debt now
Bos card £6130
NW card £7800
Barclay card £4020
mbna card £5600
Halifax loan capital balance £9800
Overdraft £1000 (I think)

And a rough breakdown of his monthly outgoings.
Salary £2200
bank fees £15
Electric £167 we have no gas
mobile £25
Food £260
Ctax £144
My account £500
10k further advance on mtge from years ago £65
Help with nursery fees (not every month) £100
Bos loan £266
Nw card £170
Barclay card £100
Bmna card £60
Bos card £120

Roughly £200 left over he reckons on a normal week he spends around £100 on pints, papers, sweets fresh bread and cakes every few days

financialdisease

tiger_eyes wrote: »

I don't mean to scaremonger, but until you can see proof of the debts for yourself, I would be prepared for the total owed to be significantly higher than your partner has advised you. I've noticed that people tend to confess to their partners that they have some debt, but the full scale of the debt doesn't come out until later - often people are either covering up the damage or they're genuinely not aware of how much compound interest has added up. If your partner thinks he owes about £32,000, I'd be prepared for the real total to be north of £40,000. Hoping to be proven wrong.

He has just gotten the figures I posted from his credit record online I saw it for myself the only part im doubting is his £1k overdraft we have had od issues in the past, he knows how i hate overdrafts from what I see at work do has a reason to lie about it. Credit file does not show its figure.