Debt Bomb shell dropped on me

Paypeanuts

financialdisease wrote: »

I won't be changing my spending and current budget to help with hus debt or tge xar which sounds extremely selfish but looking at his figures if he wasnt paying out all the amounts to debt he would be left with £916 month after his share of the bills that is a huge amount of money!

I have said roughly £400 to debt, £200 for car and £300 for him its just all guessing though he will need to listen to a debt adviser to know what is right. He is still adamant he couldn't live on £50 a week thats roughly what I have after savings and bills.

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Then he's not facing up to his issues in the slightest.

financialdisease

Paypeanuts wrote: »

Then he's not facing up to his issues in the slightest.

That is becoming more obvious!

Paypeanuts

I feel so bad for you hon, I really do. Unless the guy is willing to face up to it I just don't know where you go from here. What would really hurt me is the deception. I couldn't come back from that personally, I wouldn't be saying nice things to him like you are. You're clearly a much more lovely person than I am.

Miss_Poohs

It's awful for you - believe me I know exactly how you feel. You will get angry I did.
I have to say it completely rocked our marriage.
I had just lost my mum when it happened to me, half the time I didn't know if I was on foot or horse back....it was terrible.
When the debt councillor came out to see my hubs I was there too - and made it perfectly clear the debt was his and run up without my knowledge. Ultimately he will have to deal with this, my OH still hates me talking about it, he's embarrassed an ashamed, but that goes with the territory.

-taff

Reading what you've posted it sounds as if he's told you about most of it, but he's not willing yet to make a plan to sort it out.

It;s understandable at the moment, you only found out about it a couple of days ago, so you're still in the 'I can sort this out straightaway' stage.
He's in the 'I'm relieved she knows about it but I'm going to keep my head in the sand for a little bit longer to see if she can sort it out for me' stage.

He has a gambling problem, you had a quick sniff of it after you paid the credit card bill off the first time.
He's now run up thousands in debt because of this problem, which is not going to just disappear because he's told you he owes money. I expect the only reason you found out was because he just couldn't hide it anymore

If he can't live on £50 a week spending money when he's making packed lunches for work, what is he spending it on?
If he doesn't address the problem that underlies the debt, which is an addiction, how will you feel if he gambles away your kids money, your home and your lifestyle? Because it could happen.

And now that Ive beeen the voice of doom....Well done so far, chin up

financialdisease

I startingang to wonder why I never questioned what he spent £100 a week on? Sometimes it annoyed me that I paid for all the kids activities especially the snowdone as its £53 for 1.5hrs once or twice a month but then he would give us £30 for lunch and often paid for a taxi home because he knew I would go for the bus instead and I didn't feel so bothered. He goes to Tesco twice a week I imagined some of it we went there.


You are right about going through stages I am starting to feel like a fing idiot for not noticing sooner and wishing I was harder on him. I still dont think that I am part of tge reason for his debt its definitely not like he is giving me more so he has less every month even without the car allowance he would still have £450 pounds a month left after bills which is what I always thought he had when ever we talked about bills.

I am trying not to feel bad about all the things I have bought and spent money on but knowing the state he is in is making me think I should have been helping him out, all the times he gave me presents like £100 at mothers day and £300+ at birthdays should have made me wonder he said be has bee saving it up and I believed him because I save £100-£150 a month off of my £700 wages so I can match it to a point:(

gah I asked him last night if it has changed how he feels about me and our relationship but I never got much of an answer just that it couldn't possibly have im lovely and blah blah blah its him that should be thinking that! I didn't know he was going to be my husband when we first got together somehow it just fell into place and although we ha had our up and downs I can/could see us growing old together.Thankfully im not a clinging or needy person I know 100% I would be fine without him if it doesn't work out and he knows that I am self assured enough to make positive changes if need be rather than coast along feeling miserable.

I really appreciate all of your feedback and advice its amazing what sharing it does for my mind rather than stewing with the thought like I did all day on Saturday.

financialdisease

I have just sent him the url to this thread, I don't know what I hope to achieve from . sharing it but it just seemed right, No secrets eh?

Miss_Poohs

Hi fd - hope you got a decent sleep?
Yep you will go through lots of different emotions.
The one big issue I still have is trust - or in my case the lack of, I still don't and probably never will ever trust my husband with money its a terrible thing to admit, but what can he expect?
Had I not found out about all the debt he was hiding we could easily have lost our home and I'd never have forgiven him if that had happened.
Hopefully the debt issues can and will be resolved but there are lots of other emotions to deal with too.
I hope your hubs does read this thread and gets with it, to sort things out for everyone's sake, he has a lot to lose.

-taff

financialdisease wrote: »

You are right about going through stages I am starting to feel like a fing idiot for not noticing sooner and wishing I was harder on him

Don't feel like an idiot. If people have an addiction, they'll go to any length to hide it if they are ashamed of it. If you have no reason to suspect there's something wrong then you won't go looking for it.

I'd just like to reiterate don't open a joint account, because it occurred to me this morning that the only reason he wants to do that is to open another line of credit.

And good luck this week. It might help you to find a support group too, as well as here.

financialdisease

I definitely won't be opening a joint account its just him passing the buck and if it happens again he can blame me thinking about it its just another one of those things he cant make a decision on or take responsibility for, he never makes a decision at home on simple things like booking a holiday or decorating the house ans choosing a car I always openly joke that its because if it goes wrong he can blame me!