Debt Bomb shell dropped on me

Polk

financialdisease wrote: »

Ampersand

I find most of your questions difficult to answer not because they are bad questions just because the answers are equally as bad as the rest

No we don't eat or shop or cook together, I eat with the kids at 5 he doesn't get home most days until 6-30 or 7 when he finishes at 5 and its a twenty minute bus ride away. I just got on with all this without the slightest bit of bother I know he is in a pub somewhere but his answer was I only have 1 or 2 pints and chat to the guys there. We don't watch tv together so can quite often be in different rooms I hate fiction and drama he likes it. It all sounds very sad but im not sad about it. My friends find it odd that we are so okay with being apart and that it doesn't bother me that he doesn't take the same holidays off work as me and the kids but chooses to take them whenever suits him. I guess we both enjoy having freedom and not being in each others pockets but having that special someone at home or when you need them most. I know my life would be different if I didn't have him or the kids I have made lots of the choices for their sake but I am truly okay with it.

I really want to get through it together its know its a massive deceit, too massive for many people to overcome strangely I think we can if we tackle it asap. I think if I was to tell our family they would be more disgusted and disappointed than I am so we have chosen to keep it from them I don't need the additional stress of them telling me how hideous he is and how stupid I have been

you might be surprised by the reaction of your family if you choose to share.

also, if you are happy with the relationship then great - whatever works for you! but never forget that any relationship is a two way street.
I think your partner needs to understand that going to the pub after work is ok as long as all the bills are paid and he has budgetted for that trip each day. right now, that's not an option because there are bills to pay and debts to pay off.

financialdisease

pelirocco wrote: »

He earns £26k a year and you earn £9k , every penny of your earnings goes on your kids ? You are doing a disney holiday already been away once this year and twice last year

And you wonder where the debt has come from? I'm sorry something is a bit odd here

We have small out goings

mortgage £248
Electric £167
Tv £12
Phone and internet £26
Mobile phones £63
Council tax £144
Factors and building ins £65
Contents ins £10.50
Travel to work £44 for him I walk
Nursery fees £100 ish
School dinners £28
ski club £12.50
House acc £500y savings £150ish
food £300

Total of £1707

Imcome from both wages and chb £2922

Left over £1215 thats combined if he didn't have debts

the second Disney holiday is because of compensation I got from work booking it was the reason I found out about the debt my Mum is coming along and will share part of the hotel bill, his mum came in February and paid part of it.

We should be able to live the lifestyle we have debt free if we go on my budget, he has screwed ot all up

We have no car or fancy tv

eyeopener2

I'm going to change tack here and ask a question...

What happens if he doesn't sort this out? Credit does run out, it's becoming harder to get and he may already be at the limits.

Is your home at risk?

I will ask that again. If he doesn't sort this out, is your home at risk?

If he is spending more than he is earning, which does seem to be the case, and the credit runs out. Bank calls in the overdraft. Can't withdraw cash from credit cards to pay the minimums. Miss a few payments. Banks get heavy and court action happens.

All this can happen very,very quickly and I know because it happened to me. Thankfully stepchange helped me sort it out before court action, I was skint for 4 years and had £20 A MONTH to myself. Paid every penny back.

So if he's reading this. Please get sorted out BEFORE the !!!! Hits the fan.
COS it Will happen.

financialdisease

Just now its all unsecured debt and I can afford to keep up with the mortgage payments without him but there's no way I could pay every thing and not many unessential bills I could scrap. I am good at selling to fund new purchases so I guess I could di that. I have just realised that that's not the point of your question! That's me bailing him out or helping his problem and would definitely have an impact on the kids.

eyeopener2

I'm hoping he reads your reply, it's very sobering.

Polk

financialdisease wrote: »

Just now its all unsecured debt and I can afford to keep up with the mortgage payments without him but there's no way I could pay every thing and not many unessential bills I could scrap. I am good at selling to fund new purchases so I guess I could di that. I have just realised that that's not the point of your question! That's me bailing him out or helping his problem and would definitely have an impact on the kids.

it's all on unsecured debt? Well that's very solveable.

He needs to get on to someone like Step Change or CAP immediately.
Of course your issue is that he's not receptive at the moment.

I would love to take him for a pint and try to help him understand where he is. the thing is - the LBM often comes at the cost of a lot of personal embarrassment - you are having to admit that all is not well with your life - to yourself as well as other people including loved ones. that is a hard, hard thing to do.
Some people embrace it, some people run. There is no telling what the reaction is going to be. your part in all of this is to let the man you love know that you are there for him and you are going to support him through it all (If that is the decision you are making. No one here can or should make that decision for you). But you must not do it by taking on his debt for him, which you already know.
Ever considered that he might be scared that you are going to leave him because of this?

If you are prepared to stick with him and help him through it then good on you. It's going to take a lot of love and encouragement but you will both get there and your relationship will be stronger because you did it together.
(disclaimer: relationships can go up as well as down, always engage in a relationship with an open mind, heart and attitude, never get taken for a mug if the other party is not willing to change)

sourcrates

Pixie5740 wrote: »

If all men were like him I would have become a lesbian a long time ago.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::T Ha ha !! I liked that lol !!!

Miss_Poohs

It took my husband a few weeks to dig deep and realise it wasn't all going to disappear by magic.
All £86,000 of his debt was unsecured too, but he got to the stage he couldn't keep up the minimum payments, by robbing one card to pay another, and no other bank would lend him money, that's when the phone calls started and the cat, or should I say massive big lion leapt out the bag.
You've put forward some possible solutions - give him a few days to see if he actually does anything about it, if he does you can take it from there, if not.....you need to cross that bridge if it happens.
You are in the same situation I was, you know it's fixable but it's him that has to fix it x

sourcrates

I don't know if its blokes in general that bury there heads in the sand and hope it will all go away, although typically woman are better with budgeting than men, there are an awful lot of woman, as well as men,on this forum asking for debt help, debt can affect anyone, the key is recognising your in trouble and doing something about it, at first I hoped mine would all go away, but then once I decided to sort the problem out, I did so quite decisively, turned the tables on all the DCA`s chasing me and got an IVA to sort my debt out, @ £54.000 it was the only logical thing I could do, plus I had the added benefit of knowing that none of the DCA`s were going to get anywhere near what was originally owed, now, six years later, its all history !!

FireWyrm

financialdisease wrote: »

Ampersand

I find most of your questions difficult to answer not because they are bad questions just because the answers are equally as bad as the rest

No we don't eat or shop or cook together, I eat with the kids at 5 he doesn't get home most days until 6-30 or 7 when he finishes at 5 and its a twenty minute bus ride away. I just got on with all this without the slightest bit of bother I know he is in a pub somewhere but his answer was I only have 1 or 2 pints and chat to the guys there. We don't watch tv together so can quite often be in different rooms I hate fiction and drama he likes it. It all sounds very sad but im not sad about it. My friends find it odd that we are so okay with being apart and that it doesn't bother me that he doesn't take the same holidays off work as me and the kids but chooses to take them whenever suits him. I guess we both enjoy having freedom and not being in each others pockets but having that special someone at home or when you need them most. I know my life would be different if I didn't have him or the kids I have made lots of the choices for their sake but I am truly okay with it.

I really want to get through it together its know its a massive deceit, too massive for many people to overcome strangely I think we can if we tackle it asap. I think if I was to tell our family they would be more disgusted and disappointed than I am so we have chosen to keep it from them I don't need the additional stress of them telling me how hideous he is and how stupid I have been

You dont have a marriage, or a partnership...you have a lodger who you sleep with occasionally. A partnership generally implies that two people work together to achieve a common goal, but this doesnt appear to be the case in your household from what you have said. He clearly doesnt understand the gravity of the situation and you are stuck like a deer in the headlights waiting for the truck to run you down. Decide, now, whether this relationship (such as it is) is worth your time and effort to rectify - if not, start making plans for an orderly exit, if it is, take the bull by the horns, deal with the problem and get on with life. It isnt going away and it isnt going to magically rectify itself. You have to make a choice and make it happen. I admit is is touch and go - having lived through what you have, I can understand completely. As it happens, we made it through precisely because I did take control, completely and utterly. Anything less was not an option and would have ended in failure.