Is there any way to motivate the missus to lose weight? Running out of ideas...

gfplux

"Not being in the right frame of mind" to eat sensibly has been mentioned a few times as well as you have to have the lightbulb moment.
We all need to find the trigger and that trigger is different in so many different people.
We all know that being overweight will "statistically" shorten our lives and "statistically" make our life a misery as we get older but for many of us we think that will happen to someone else.
I love my wife and my family, I want to be with them as long as I can so for me that is and has been the trigger to keep my weight under control.
For me I love life and health more than large portions, chocolate, cakes etc, etc.
Best of luck OP, because you love your wife you want to help her. Hopefully in all the words in all these many replies you will find a few nuggets of advise that you can use to help her.

persa

I'll openly admit that I eat when I'm sad and/or bored, but mainly I just love food. I love the textures, the smell, the taste, the presentation - just wonderful.

Does your wife have a smartphone? I have started using an app which tracks my food intake. Once you start understanding exactly how much you're putting into your body, you can start to make smarter choices.

Restaurants have made highly calorific/fattening foodstuffs normal, so it's easy to eat too many calories for your size and genuinely not realise it. The problem is, heavy in calories doesn't always mean filling - so your stomach won't say stop. You need to do the maths and engage your brain. Until you analyse the nutritional information of what you're eating, you cannot make informed decisions. Apps are brilliant for that - you can even scan barcodes.

The best thing is a diet and exercise, but your wife is clearly getting overwhelmed, so she needs to start with a small step in the right direction. Can you suggest a small change she can build into her life and get her to agree to that? Then once she's coping, ask her to suggest another. If she agrees to cut out crisps, stop buying them in so there's no temptation.

What about a short walk together in the evenings? Would she agree to that?

The swimming costume sounds humilating, but sometimes we need to open our eyes. I started dieting after clocking myself from a certain angle and realising I needed to do something.

mothernerd

I think this is one of those common miscommunications between men and women. Women say something and men try to 'fix' the problem or the woman. She's telling you she's unhappy (not necessarily the about the extra pounds). She's unhappy. She wants you to listen, hear what she has to say, get it out of her system. She does not need you to say why don't you do xyz. She needs to feel loved and valued, not like something that has to be fixed. I'm not trying to get at you. Try listening, keep listening and give her time, maybe she will start to open up about the underlying causes of her unhappiness.

paulineb_2

Not sure the op will return to the thread tbh.

FBaby

I personally feel plenty of people do make excuses, I'm not denying that people are suffering with genuine eating disorders, whether that is over or under eating, I just think people jump on the band wagon so to speak.

I totally agree and that is no surprise when as a society we have been spoilt being able to protect our children from facing adversity and learning to cope with difficult emotional situations that would allow them to develop their will power. Everything we do is aimed at reducing anxiety in children. They then become adult who have no clue how to face telling themselves no and stricking to it.

One way to protect oneself emotionally is to become convince that external factors rather than internal are holding us up from making changes in our behaviours.

I have one friend who has needed to lose weight for sometime. It was obvious to me that she was eating too much because despite cooking herself healthy meals, they were huge and she regularly had 'treats' in addition. She wouldn't have it though, blamed her metabolism, the stresses in her life, the weather... I heard it for years. I said something at first but it was clear that the more I did the more defensive she became so I stopped. Her light bulb moment was when she was told by her GP she was officially obese and referred her to a weight management team. She saw a counsellor and a dieticians, and she finally accepted that she was eating too much. It's been 18 months and she has lost 3 stones. She does it healthily, lots of sports and she has never looked so healthy physically and psychologically. She needed that external help, but not so much to teach her how to cook healthily, but to accept that she was overweight and that it was because of her doing. She could then move on and do something about it productively.

Georgiegirl256

As soon as I read the OP, I just knew that people would jump on the poor guy....and they did!

I really don't understand why people are saying that they'd be "mortified" "devastated" and "would cry" if their partner spoke to them with a few home truths, surely you can tell your partner anything and vice versa? Of course there are ways and means of doing so, but I personally can't see that the OP has done anything wrong, and merely wants advice on how to try and help the person he loves.

To all those who say they'd hate their partner to tell them if they were overweight, I say this....would you not want them to tell you if they were concerned about your health because they were losing too much weight and were looking too thin? If so, why would you not want them to tell you if they were concerned because you were getting too fat?

There are so many posts I agree with on this thread, too many to quote everyone of them, but basically I agree with everything FBaby has said, and most of what Supersaver has said.

Georgiegirl256

heartbreak_star wrote: »

And as to those of you who say "it's a choice to eat things"...if your mind is in that bad a place, it isn't.

HBS x

Well, it kinda is. Cigarettes were my 'crutch', whenever I was anxious, upset, stressed, I would reach for the fags. At those moments it was my choice wether or not to have a cigarette, no one forced me to have one, but I was addicted, and so therefore I 'needed one', until I realised that no, I didn't actually need them, and I gave up by going cold turkey. Anyone can do it be it with cigarettes, food or whatever....it's always a choice.

paulineb_2

FBaby wrote: »

I totally agree and that is no surprise when as a society we have been spoilt being able to protect our children from facing adversity and learning to cope with difficult emotional situations that would allow them to develop their will power. Everything we do is aimed at reducing anxiety in children. They then become adult who have no clue how to face telling themselves no and stricking to it.

One way to protect oneself emotionally is to become convince that external factors rather than internal are holding us up from making changes in our behaviours.

I have one friend who has needed to lose weight for sometime. It was obvious to me that she was eating too much because despite cooking herself healthy meals, they were huge and she regularly had 'treats' in addition. She wouldn't have it though, blamed her metabolism, the stresses in her life, the weather... I heard it for years. I said something at first but it was clear that the more I did the more defensive she became so I stopped. Her light bulb moment was when she was told by her GP she was officially obese and referred her to a weight management team. She saw a counsellor and a dieticians, and she finally accepted that she was eating too much. It's been 18 months and she has lost 3 stones. She does it healthily, lots of sports and she has never looked so healthy physically and psychologically. She needed that external help, but not so much to teach her how to cook healthily, but to accept that she was overweight and that it was because of her doing. She could then move on and do something about it productively.

It may be exactly the same for the OP's wife, her light bulb moment wont necessarily happen because her husband has asked her to walk around with a swimsuit on. It could be another year down the line or more than that.

Sometimes people are in denial about their weight, sometimes they arent.

After I had an injury at the end of 2012, I went to an event and I took a couple of pairs of cargos with me. They had fitted me 8 weeks earlier. It was a struggle to get them on. That could have been my LBM, it wasnt. It took me another 5 months to do something about it, after I had physio. It was the thought of seeing myself on a video, one that I had to watch back that actually got me into action. And when I did watch it I thought something has to change.

Im not sure what I would have done if it hadnt been for that. Id like to think Id have got back into exercise and healthy eating regardless, but Im not sure.

Being overweight and having a LBM can take some time and it might not matter if you know you are overweight and other people know you are overweight, that wont necessarily spur you on to make changes.

paulineb_2

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Well, it kinda is. Cigarettes were my 'crutch', whenever I was anxious, upset, stressed, I would reach for the fags. At those moments it was my choice wether or not to have a cigarette, no one forced me to have one, but I was addicted, and so therefore I 'needed one', until I realised that no, I didn't actually need them, and I gave up by going cold turkey. Anyone can do it be it with cigarettes, food or whatever....it's always a choice.

Yes of course, but that choice can take years to get to. Its horrible having food issues. I spent years on and off diets, fixated with calories, gaining weight rather than losing it.

Its a lifelong battle for me and my weight has often been linked to my self esteem and confidence. I put on weight easily, I always have done. No one else in my family has ever had a weight problem, quite the opposite, my mum finds it hard to gain weight and in times of stress it drops off her. She had a really tough year a couple of years ago and her weight at one point was less than 7 stones. My brother would probably be naturally heavier if he didnt do the job he does, but hes a PT and he's in great shape.

I think women can often struggle more, because men do tend to take a more practical stance when it comes to losing weight. Thats not to say men dont get eating disorders, they do.

Ive spent the last year eating when Im hungry, not counting calories and eating good food in normal portion sizes. I dont think Ive done that for 20 years.

Yes its a choice but its also a struggle.

bluebeary

im going to assume your at work all day but you should incorporate some sort of exercise into your time together at weekends or when you have a day off

either go for walks together, swimming at the local leisure centre, invest in a couple of good bikes and explore some good off road cycle routes in your area, not sure where you are in the uk but british cycling and sky run a variety of lead bike rides, lead by trained cyclists, you can shortly find new organised rides in your area, if they havent been listed already and theyre free, you can meet like minded people and discover some good cycle routes in areas you dint even know existed near you, here

www.goskyride.com

theres plenty of things to do together at leisure centres or just by yourselves, make it a joint effort and that way you can make it more fun and motivational for your wife