New Relationship advice

Ozzuk

I tend to spend a lot of time on here reading and offering advice only when I have something useful to add, and it occurred to me I could ask about my relationship which I'm finding quite confusing. I'm great at giving advice but I think I'm too close to this to see the way ahead.

So we have similar interests and its sooo easy to hang with her, very relaxed, lots of cuddling. The kids are awesome, I really like them and they like me. We're not boyg girlf yet, she wanted to take things slow but I met the kids after a few weeks, hang with her family etc. So that doesn't feel slow to me. I've had issues in the past with 'high octane' relationships, jumping in very fast, falling for people so I'm doing okay with slow and not getting carried away.

However...here's what Im wondering is an issue. I'm very sexual, in new relationships and when together for a while. I know its bad to compare, but say in a new relationship to me sex is pretty important and full of passion I'd say I'm usually at it like a rabbit, very open, adventerous. With this relationship we've been dating 3 months, seeing each other 2-3 times a week but we've only slept together a few times. But we're not all over each other. I know, comparing is wrong and its not the quantity that counts, but this is a real big difference for me. I think, frequency aside, its a big part of a relationship for me and maybe not for her. Its like all other areas of the relationship are moving on nicely but not this part - and to me sex increases the connection between two people.

So it has me questioning if we are suited. I do like her, but I'm not head over heels. And I usually am by now - and those relationships didn't work out so maybe this approach is better.

I'm going to talk to her about it but I thought I'd see what other people thought, am I placing too much importance on it, is it childish, is this modern dating? Aside from dating a lot the past 9 months I was in long term relationships back to back for 18 years so I'm really not sure what is 'normal' anymore. Perhaps I just have a much higher sex drive. Perhaps she just doesn't fancy me but why be with me. Perhaps this is her way of taking it slowly and not getting to smitten. I know, talking to her is important as we don't know whats in her head and I will, just want to get things a little clearer in my head and need outside help for that. I don't think we communicate that effectively at the moment and she does tend to ignore any issues going on around her. I think this relationship is worth investing in though, she seems to as well.

19lottie82

I do agree with you to an extent, most people would be in their "honeymoon period" right now, BUT maybe she's just not a sexual person, there could be a reason for this (being treated badly in the past?), or maybe not.

what do YOU want though? It seems to me that you are already in a relationship, especially as you are forming a bond with her kids, yet you say that you are not boyfriend and girlfriend?

On second thoughts, maybe she's holding back until you can give her the commitment that she wants / needs.

You say " I do like her, but I'm not head over heels". TO me this would be a red flag, if you liked her and wanted a relationship, you would know by now, the lack of sex would not change this.

Dragging out the relationship isn't fair on her (or her kids), if you can't see a future.

Ozzuk

I'm glad its not just me then

I've already told her I'd happily be 'officially' boyf and girlf. I'm not the type to hold back. And there are no issues lurking as far as I'm aware. And it does feel to me like we're in a relationship.

The whole thing just feels odd.

What do I want? Thats a very good question. I'll figure it out one day!

19lottie82

Ozzuk wrote: »

I'm glad its not just me then

I've already told her I'd happily be 'officially' boyf and girlf. I'm not the type to hold back. And there are no issues lurking as far as I'm aware. And it does feel to me like we're in a relationship.

The whole thing just feels odd.

But you said you're not head over heels? If you're willing to commit to someone then surely you should be feeling that? As I said, I don't think more sex will create this feeling.

Ozzuk

Hmm good point. Perhaps I'm trying to force something that isn't there, I am worried about that. I'm okay being on my own (took a while) and ended a relationship prior to this one as I thought we were better off as friends. Does there always have to be that head over heels part though? We obviously like each other its just not all-encompassing at the moment. Can't some relationships have a slow start?

19lottie82

I think after 3 months you should know.

I wouldn't consider making a commitment to someone that I wasn't "head over heels" with. Especially when I was interacting with their kids. That's not fair.

notanewuser

She's got a job, a teenager and a 3 year old. Her energy levels are probably in minus figures.

Buzzybee90

To some people it's essential, for others it's nice and for others it's just not something that even care about.

I fear you're in two different categories, will lead to resentment further down the line (for both of you).

But I agree she's probably really tired.

Ozzuk

I think tiredness does play a big part - she has a very demanding job as well. I really don't know how she manages everything.

And for 19lottie82 - I'm doing everything pretty much on her terms, I didn't ask to meet kids/family but didn't turn it down either. I was happy to take it slow, again at her request because she didn't want 'too serious' so was surprised to be interacting with the kids. I'm not head over heels and part of that is because its just plain confusing the conflicting thoughts about what we actually are.

I'll try and talk to her tonight, get a sense of what she feels/wants.

quidsy

She has 2 kids, one of them 3, you are lucky you got sex 3 times.

victory

Ozzuk wrote: »

I think tiredness does play a big part - she has a very demanding job as well. I really don't know how she manages everything.

And for 19lottie82 - I'm doing everything pretty much on her terms, I didn't ask to meet kids/family but didn't turn it down either. I was happy to take it slow, again at her request because she didn't want 'too serious' so was surprised to be interacting with the kids. I'm not head over heels and part of that is because its just plain confusing the conflicting thoughts about what we actually are.

I'll try and talk to her tonight, get a sense of what she feels/wants.

So how do you define ' head over heels' is it when you get everything on your terms, or when you have endless sex? 100% devoted attention just to you?

You agreed slow, seem happy with slow, are going along nicely but need to question it, why?