New Relationship advice

Ozzuk

The_Hurricane wrote: »

60 times per month, your hand must be sore.

Hey everyone needs a hobby. You could try reading but I think yours needs work


In an attempt to get back on track, I am interested in making this relationship work, I recognise I've screwed up things many times in the past and I'm trying not to repeat any mistakes and I'm treading carefully as kids are involved.

I'm just looking for advice/discussion on a something that maybe isn't a massive issue, but wanted views on. Thats all.

shegirl

You need to talk to her and you both need to make decisions too based on that.

It is way too soon for you to be spending time with her kids!!!!

Also,I would be careful and ensure she actually wants a relationship with your rather than a stand in to replace something she once had.Harsh but given the kids (and even family!) are involved so soon...

pukkamum

Is the lack of sex because she is refusing your advances or are you not making the advances in the first place?
if it is the latter then I would suggest you feel she is more of a friend than a lover, if the former then I would be asking her why.
Could it be too soon after her marriage, could she be feeling self concious about her body, could it be that that is a lot more sex than she was hav7ng with hubby and just hasn't caught up yet
If she is just not that into sex and you are a very sexual person then perhaps its time to accept she will be a friend not a lover.

The_Hurricane

Ozzuk wrote: »

Hey everyone needs a hobby. You could try reading but I think yours needs work


In an attempt to get back on track, I am interested in making this relationship work, I recognise I've screwed up things many times in the past and I'm trying not to repeat any mistakes and I'm treading carefully as kids are involved.

I'm just looking for advice/discussion on a something that maybe isn't a massive issue, but wanted views on. Thats all.

Interested in making things work, you just want someone to lay 5 times per week - lucky girl.

Gloomendoom

pukkamum wrote: »

If she is just not that into sex and you are a very sexual person then perhaps its time to accept she will be a friend not a lover.

On the other hand if, in all other aspects, she ticks the right boxes it might be worth hanging on in there. I may be showing my age here but, if you don't even regard yourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend yet, why would you expect the quantity of sex that is (usually) commensurate with such a relationship.

lostinrates

Ozzuk wrote: »

Just to be clear, I don't have any real expectations and I ask very little of her (perhaps that in itself is an issue). But as time goes on, its niggling me a bit. I know a part of me wants the fairytale, but life has shown me fairytales are often just that, stories we tell ourselves.

I think I do have a fear of rejection. Last year was really bad for me and my life is now vastly different from how it was and life plans have changed completely. Hence I'm okay with slow, but I'm getting attached to the kids and family - the kids are awesome. I'm worried about getting too attached (and them to me) if their mum and I have a fundamental difference in needs. And she is so hard to read.

I know... I need to talk to her, I just want to do it in a way that doesn't pressure her. Thanks though, this is helping me think clearer.

You talk of your fear of rejection.
There is every chance that she is fearful too.

Not many people with a full plate want to put the stress of 'things going wrong down the line' or even ' the wrong relationship' in to the mix too.

Fwiw, 60/70 times in three months sounding like a lot to some people? I think in the early days ( not every body wants to get right down to it, and I think that's no bad thing) but neither is it the stuff of fantasy by any stretch of the imagination.

The important thing is everybody is doing what they are comfortable with and not feeling pushed into anything.

notanewuser

lostinrates wrote: »

You talk of your fear of rejection.
There is every chance that she is fearful too.

Not many people with a full plate want to put the stress of 'things going wrong down the line' or even ' the wrong relationship' in to the mix too.

Fwiw, 60/70 times in three months sounding like a lot to some people? I think in the early days ( not every body wants to get right down to it, and I think that's no bad thing) but neither is it the stuff of fantasy by any stretch of the imagination.

The important thing is everybody is doing what they are comfortable with and not feeling pushed into anything.

She's only recently ended a marriage and has children. Piecing together the information OP has given they've seen each other between 26 and 39 times since meeting online. It's not unreasonable for them not to have slept together for say a month, so now we're down to 18 to 26 times. Some of those may have collided with her being knackered/menstruating. So maybe 9 - 13 times there was the potential for sex. Even at 3 times a go they wouldn't be anywhere near 60-70 times. The OP's expectations of a working mother with a toddler is unrealistic.

lostinrates

notanewuser wrote: »

She's only recently ended a marriage and has children. Piecing together the information OP has given they've seen each other between 26 and 39 times since meeting online. It's not unreasonable for them not to have slept together for say a month, so now we're down to 18 to 26 times. Some of those may have collided with her being knackered/menstruating. So maybe 9 - 13 times there was the potential for sex. Even at 3 times a go they wouldn't be anywhere near 60-70 times. The OP's expectations of a working mother with a toddler is unrealistic.

All fair points and i made one of them myself. . I was thinking about the period of time average number of months rather than meeting opportunities BUT I think the main point I was trying to convey is that it doesn't make someone abnormal for wanting once a week or more than once a day. I absultely concur the partner has to be willing!

I just don't think suggesting 'abnormality' for appetite ( large, normal, or small) is particularly helpful. Suggesting compromise discussion, or even as gloomendoom suggests discussion and even a relationship first on the other hand seem to be sensible advice to me as do the experiences of those of you with kids on the real impact on energy levels that might lead to these compromises in some situations

Cottage_Economy

After three months of dating and sleeping together, albeit infrequently, she still doesn't want the two of you to be officially BF and GF then I'm not sure I'd still be invested in that relationship.

If this was a man, we'd all be saying "he's just not that into you. Have the talk and if necessary move on."

Because it is a women with a child, we're saying "don't worry, she's tired. You can't expect the rabbit stage with a single mum."

I think you can and that it is doing a disservice to single mums to think they're too tired to feel those saucy flushes in a new relationship. When the spark is there, the spark is there.

They may be more than meets the eye, but you have to have The Talk to find out.

Do the two of you have 'make out' sessions or are they few and far between too?

Ozzuk

Gloomendoom wrote: »

On the other hand if, in all other aspects, she ticks the right boxes it might be worth hanging on in there. I may be showing my age here but, if you don't even regard yourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend yet, why would you expect the quantity of sex that is (usually) commensurate with such a relationship.

This is what I'm thinking, then the romantic (maybe unrealistic) side kicks in a asks why isn't everything perfect.

Can we move away from the 50-70 or whatever I said, it was a just an example and poorly chosen one at that. I should have just said we're not all over each other, ie, early honeymoon days of high passion.

I appreciate I'm not explaining myself very well, but it mirrors the way I'm feeling, perhaps this isn't the place to gain insight but I appreciate the (non-judgmental) replies.

In an effort to be clearer, it seems too much into friends territory but as the person I quoted said she seems to be integrating me into her life in quite a serious way, I almost feel like a replacement husband! Maybe I should have refused to get involved with kids. I don't know. I'll talk to her - thank you everyone.

Its likely the kids/tiredness/job are a major factor and something I haven't any experience of.