Visiting Graves

Torry_Quine

As others have said it's an individual choice and there is no right way to mark the death of a loved one.

johnswife

I am one of 6, live close by, so between us we try to keep fresh flowers on my Dad & Mum's grave. Mum loved flowers and she died just over a year ago, so it helps each of us cope.

January20

CH27 wrote: »

Do you visit the graves of your loved ones? If so how often & why?

I don't visit my mum's as I believe she isn't there. Do not stand at my grave & weep etc...
People try to guilt trip me for not going & I think that is unfair as I don't force my views on them.

Whenever I go back home, I feel compelled to visit my maternal grandparents' grave. I lost them when I was 12 and I have great memories of them and wish I wasn't so young when they passed.

I don't know why I go and visit their grave. Nobody forces me and I actually tell nobody, just go on my own, and mostly I don't stay very long. It's like I have a need to say "hello, I'm thinking of you". I just don't know why. It's interesting also how nearly 40 years on they are still so much in my thoughts. And again, I can't explain why!

I don't want to be buried because I don't want my dd to feel she has to do the same, although I don't feel it's a chore for me.

totallybored

Person_one wrote: »

Everything done after a person dies is for the benefit of the bereaved, not the deceased. If some people get comfort from a public memorial that's fine, if others don't they shouldn't be pressured.
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I agree about everything being for the bereaved. I hate going to my mum's memorial in the crematorium but I do it for my dad. The same with the memorial notices in the newspaper every year. They're done for him as I know he appreciates I've done it for him.

I also hate funerals and don't see the point but I go for those left behind to offer comfort to them and support to them.

[Deleted User]

My dear MIL died in her home country in Asia last year. In her Hindu tradition, all the family gathers just after death, certain ceremonies are done and there are dietary and other rules to follow for 13 days afterwards, open cremation takes place within 24-48 hours and the remains are scattered into the water. One year later, the eldest son or closest male heir will visit a large open body of water, anywhere in the world, offer the family's final goodbye along with flowers, fruits and incense, say prayers and immerse himself. Then the grieving and bereavement process is formally finished.

(wikipedia)"Conceptually, it is a way for people to express heartfelt gratitude and thanks towards their parents and ancestors, for having helped them to be what they are and praying for their peace. It also can be thought of as a "day of remembrance." It is performed for both the father and mother separately, on the days they became deceased."

The soul is free and there is no gravesite. Every part of the flowing waters in the world will contain an atom from the dead person's remains. I find it a comforting thought and process although I am not a Hindu myself.

My husband & I went to a local sea side spot here in the UK a couple of weeks ago with my mother to do this final one year on ceremony and it was beautiful, simple and strangely positive. The flow of life goes on....

Personally I'd like to be buried under a tree or veg field. I can then help something to grow as fertiliser, and then ultimately benefit others in some way!

Woolwich_Kim

I don't go at all. I have nothing to prove to anyone.

I know each to their own but what I can't stand is those who go more often then they bothered to visit the person when they were alive. I know it's probably guilt but I for me, it just appears rather....well, the best word I can think of is 2 faced.

sweaty_betty

We don't really do burials in my family - and the ashes are scattered in the garden of rest, so don't have a particular memorable place to go in that sense.

However, when my twins were born prematurely (and subsequently died) we did have them buried. Firstly because they were born too early to have birth certificates so their grave inscription would be the only record of them existing. Secondly, the other hospital-arranged option was a "group" cremation, so we'd not have ashes to scatter (and in their case we felt we needed to do something symbolic like that to remember them).

I don't go very often (every 3-4 months maybe) and I'm not really sure why I do. Perhaps it's to allow myself to get upset as often life is so busy that you're constantly having to put on a brave face. Maybe it's to remind myself that they did exist, that I've had three children, not just my one (fabulous) LO who is alive and well. I'm not really sure, but I do find it cathartic for whatever reason.

I'm not sure how long I'll keep it up (fortunately, from a practical perspective, it's a shared baby grave, with a number of other families also helping to keep it tidy etc) and not sure that I'd opt for burial myself, but I'm certainly glad I have somewhere to go for the moment.

Anatidaephobia

We visit my partner's mother's grave but, even though she died too young and we still feel sadness, these visits are rarely depressing. The graveyard is a pretty and peaceful place. We sit in front of the headstone and just talk and share memories.

I think it helps that we have actually visited her grave with her before she died. She had a terminal illness and we took her to the graveyard to see the plot she would have and this might sound depressing but it actually wasn't at all; she was vibrant and funny and she was making jokes that whole day. When we sit at her grave now, we remember those jokes and it makes us smile. So that makes her grave feel more like "her" because we actually have good memories of being on that very spot with her. For us, the visits can be comforting.

My family were all cremated so we don't have anywhere to visit. We're not religious so it makes sense but sometimes I kinda wish there was a specific spot I could go and just stare at their name and think about things.

Anatidaephobia

ALIBOBSY wrote: »

OH and I often go around churchyards strangely they often have a calm quiet atmosphere and reading the old graves can be fascinating. My gran use to take us on picnics in a local churchyard. Its a lovely quiet, green place to contemplate life (and death). But for some people that would probably sound weird.

I agree. I like graveyards. We sometimes go for a walk around a church or a graveyard and look at the headstones. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we just have a quiet, peaceful walk. Reading the headstones can be sad - particularly when you find someone who has died young or was a child - but mostly the visits are nice.

In some ways, it saddens me that many graves (especially old ones) have very few visitors - I guess this is because it's a reminder that once you die, there comes a point when there won't be many people left who will think about you. I don't like to look at the graves and think that all of these people have been forgotten. I realise that I don't know the person buried beneath the headstone but, in a way, I find it nice that at least I'm there thinking about them. They may have died 30, 70, 100, 200 (or more) years ago but they are still having an impact on me, making me feel something or think something, and I guess I take solace in that.

coolcait

CH27 wrote: »

Do you visit the graves of your loved ones? If so how often & why?

I don't visit my mum's as I believe she isn't there. Do not stand at my grave & weep etc...
People try to guilt trip me for not going & I think that is unfair as I don't force my views on them.

In what way do people try to 'guilt trip' you for not going?