Visiting Graves

CH27

coolcait wrote: »

In what way do people try to 'guilt trip' you for not going?

Have you been to see mum?
Mum had no flowers.
Mum's headstone was all dirty.
The graveyard was very busy etc etc

Seanymph

Oh people do!

I am a step mum to three kids whose mum's ashes were interred.

When I met OH he took them on christmas, mothers day, her birthday - he thought they'd want to go, but didn't consult them - in doing that he created an expectation.

Eldest still goes (I think his girlfriend is the driving force though) - they have put pictures of them there and all sorts.

Middle and youngest don't go. They choose not to.

Now I am happy to take them, and have, many times over the years - but that 'you must go because it's a birthday' was 'taught' to them.

And we have had well meaning aunts and grandparents incredulous that they have chosen not to go when they have phone to make a fuss on these 'special days'.

There is an expectation that at least three times a year they would be wheeled there to 'pay respects'.

It was a difficult thing to manage - the kids can think of their mum whenever they want to - they have photos up - I don't see how them being forced to attend a gravesite in another County when they don't want to 'pays respects'.

But absolutely family push for them to attend - it's an 'expectation'.

2gorgeousgirls

My dad died 13 years ago yesterday. I've been to his grave twice. The day he died and just after his headstone was put in place. I only went to see the headstone because my mum asked me to.

I don't need to visit a cold and windy graveyard to remember him. Things remind me of him every day, eg seeing some-one with liquorice allsorts or hearing Johnny Cash.

thorsoak

Armchair23 wrote: »

I definitely don't see anything wrong in people visiting graves as often as they would like. When I was a kid a weekly visit was the norm for a lot of people.

My husband died 3 years ago and my adult kids and I have visited once since the funeral. For us he quite simply isn't there, he chose his burial place and I'm sure we gave him the funeral he would have wanted. A woodland burial and nothing dark or gloomy.

But for us he lives in our hearts and minds. Not underneath a lump of turf.

My B.I.L frets endlessly over the plot, the caretaking the plaque.
You name it, it bothers him. I just don't have the heart to tell him
that everything he's doing is exactly what my late husband loathed.

It's such a personal choice and within reason should be respected.

You and I did the same thing - we also chose a local woodland cemetary - it overlooks the estuary and we take comfort in the fact that were he alive, it's where he loved to walk along the footpath that skirts it, watching the birds and the boats. We don't go there very often - its growing to be a woodland burial site, he has no headstone, just a simple wooden cross with his name and dates, and his tree (a walnut) which was planted the following autumn. We've planted a few bulbs which will naturalise, both otherwise it is growing wild - just as it should. He lives in our hearts - and thats where he should be.

masonsmum

Im glad someone posted this as I too do not visit my brothers grave. He was killed in a house fire 8 years ago when he was only 19, I miss him terribly every day and the years do not make it easier I think you just adapt your life around dealing with the grief.

I hate going to the cemetery, it only upsets me more and I too dont feel that is where my brother is, I dont need to visit there to think about him as I think about hime every day anyway! I too sometimes feel guilty, my mum is also of the same opinion of me and she gets so upset when she visits but feels that on his birthday and aniversary she needs to. My aunt (mothers sister) is an regular visitor and makes comments like "when was the last time you visited the graveyard" but I try not to let her make me feel guilty as we all have our own way of dealing with loss and grief xx

arbrighton

Scrapaholic wrote: »

I have no relatives graves to visit as they were cremated . That was what they wanted . I don't think I could have faced a burial or visiting a grave . I found the two burials I attended quite disturbing . I don't mind looking at very old gravestones though . I don't need to go anywhere to remember my loved ones but I know everyone is different .

We buried my great aunt's ashes with her parents (unmarried). Many cemetaries have areas for memorials for cremations. Cremation doesn't have to mean no memorial.
But Grandpa very specifically said to me that he regretted choosing cremation for his mother and wished to be buried with my Gran, so that's what we are doing. I have made sure my parents will write down what they want, because Grandpa hadn't told my dad about what he wanted.

We don't put flowers down at any of them, as we don't live close and they die and look worse. Planted snowdrops for Gran but we need to try that again as they haven't survived. We also planted a tree with a small plaque that Grandpa could see from his window.
We sometimes go to my great grandparents' graves to tidy them up, mostly as Grandpa liked to know we had done so.

SandC

My dad passed away in 2009 and he was cremated but his ashes interred in the crem so he has a headstone. This was what my stepmum wanted and she wishes to have her ashes with him when she goes.

I have only visited a couple of times because I don't feel like he is there. My mother passed away when I was 10 and 400 miles away. I have no idea what happened to her or her ashes as we weren't really involved with the process. My dad became ill when I was 19 and never regained speech and it hadn't been something I was desperate to know about as a younger teen. Her brothers and sisters have now all passed away too and my cousins don't know.

So it's kinda, well I never had anywhere to visit for her so it's not something I've felt strongly about with Dad.

But my stepmum did and still does and my brother and I were more than happy to do whatever she wanted.

I do love old graveyards though, very peaceful and thought provoking places to have a quiet meander around once in a while.

Gra76

I don't have a clue where my Dads ashes are. My Mum had him cremated 8 years ago and she never picked the ashes up. I'd imagine he's probably been scattered over a remembrance garden or something by now to make space for other ashes....

I don't lose any sleep over this. I don't really believe in 'spirits' and the like. I'm very much a believer that once your body dies that's it over and done with. When I'm done burn my body and have done with it!

I never knew my Grandads, both died before I was born, but my two Grandmas were both buried when I was in my teens. I've never felt the urge to visit their graves, although in fairness I live in East Yorkshire.... One of them in buried in Glasgow, one in a graveyard somewhere near Sligo in Ireland so not easy even if I wanted to!

Sportycus

I'm quite a spiritual person, I believe in something, but cannot define exactly what.

I used to hate the thought of going to a cemetery, but over the last 5-10 years I have found them to be a place of solitude and great comfort to me. I often (after visiting a particular grave) go for a wander round. I find myself talking to myself, rationalising my life and any problems that I may have.

I like to think that 'IF' there is an afterlife or 'someone' is listening I may somehow gain some insight or think of a solution to a problem I may have.

Whether you believe in divine inspiration is your own concern, but at the end of what can be an hour or longer walk I do feel refreshed and often see things from a much better perspective.

DUKE

I visit my Dad's grave on his birthday, father's day, & Christmas or New Year as I quite enjoy going. Although none of my family ever go, but each to their own.