Visiting Graves

System

After my grandad died, I often went there. Sounds silly to say I used to go and "talk" to him, but I was really struggling and it helped.

When my nan died it again hit me hard, possibly harder. But I didn't feel the same comfort. Last time I went was her funeral in 2006. I feel so guilty. I've tried to summon the courage to go back but I know seeing both their names on that headstone is going to be hard. I was ill for a long time and mentally couldn't cope with it. I guess it made it more real knowing they were both gone forever. I do want to go back though.

Silly how I'm welling up just thinking about it

GobbledyGook

I go when I feel like I want to go. Sometimes that is once a month and sometimes it can be six or seven months apart. I tend not to go on days like mother's day or christmas day because (and I know this is going to sound mean) the man whose parents are buried in the next grave to my family is a chatterer. Even if I've bumped into him in town the week before he'll want to chat for ages and I like the time at the cemetery to be quiet and reflective. I tend to go when I've got stuff going on.

When I die I want my children to do whatever they feel comfortable with. I always used to think I didn't want a grave because I didn't want them to feel obliged, but my cousin's Mum insisted on that and my cousin always feels like she's not got a place to go and she'd like one. So if they want burial then that's fine, but equally if they want to cremate or whatever then that will be fine. I intend to talk to them when they are older so that they know as well - my mother was young when she died and it was horrible having no idea what her thoughts were and my brother and I argued (we were only young teenagers) as we thought different things so I want them to have an idea of what each other thinks so that they don't have to have big conversations at the time.

marisco_2

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

Silly how I'm welling up just thinking about it

Not silly at all. Grief and feelings around loss of people closest to us has no expiration date. Far better to feel what you need to rather than bottle it all up. I lost someone very dear to me 27 years ago, and to this day if I hear a certain song I still have to stop what I am doing and steady myself, as it evokes so many memories of him.

Scrapaholic

I have no relatives graves to visit as they were cremated . That was what they wanted . I don't think I could have faced a burial or visiting a grave . I found the two burials I attended quite disturbing . I don't mind looking at very old gravestones though . I don't need to go anywhere to remember my loved ones but I know everyone is different .

neverdespairgirl

I haven't visited my Grandparents' grave since my Granny's funeral, 11 years ago. I think of her, and loved her dearly, but her grave in itself has no particular meaning for me at all.

Melonade

trolleyrun wrote: »

I have no graves of loved ones to visit nearby even if I wanted to. I am weird in the sense that I sometimes visit random graveyards as I find them oddly fascinating. I wonder what lives they led and how they ended up where they did. Many people find graveyards spooky and sad, and I respect that. I find them interesting and peaceful.

I agree, when I go to visit my Nans grave I do actually like looking at the older graves that are there. I find it interesting but not spooky.

My Nans ashes are buried with her mum and dad who died in the 1930's and 40's so it's an older part of the cemetery. It's so peaceful and I love the quiet. Some of the headstones are too old to read and some are just beautiful. It wasn't busy today and I prefer it like that. I laid flowers at another cemetery on the way there for a friend and it was packed... Rows of cars to get in and out. I go every year and can't remember it ever being that busy on Mother's Day.

When my grandad died my nan had him cremated and scattered his ashes, she said if she buried him she'd never be away from the cemetery. Not in a bad way but they were never apart and she would no doubt have to be dragged out every night at closing time

meritaten

I like to visit the local graveyard, its very peaceful and is quite beautiful in its slightly neglected way. the other one is council run and reminds me now of the horrible military graveyard we visited in France on a school trip.

its also one of the best BlackBerrying patches we have.

busiscoming2

My Mum has no marked grave, just sprinkled ashes. I go when I feel the need to. It's a lovely tranquil place and sometimes is the pick me up I need.

We have an unmarked dedicated piece of land from the Woodland trust in a local wood and strangely enough I feel closer to her there.

I believe its personal choice whether you visit or not.

Mrs_Soup

We don't do graves in my family so no have never visited one. Can't imagine doing so except possibly for the loss of a child.

Armchair23

I definitely don't see anything wrong in people visiting graves as often as they would like. When I was a kid a weekly visit was the norm for a lot of people.

My husband died 3 years ago and my adult kids and I have visited once since the funeral. For us he quite simply isn't there, he chose his burial place and I'm sure we gave him the funeral he would have wanted. A woodland burial and nothing dark or gloomy.

But for us he lives in our hearts and minds. Not underneath a lump of turf.

My B.I.L frets endlessly over the plot, the caretaking the plaque.
You name it, it bothers him. I just don't have the heart to tell him
that everything he's doing is exactly what my late husband loathed.

It's such a personal choice and within reason should be respected.