Visiting Graves

ivylinn

CH27 wrote: »

Have you been to see mum?
Mum had no flowers.
Mum's headstone was all dirty.
The graveyard was very busy etc etc

"So and so didn't put any flowers on (insert any event here) date they obviously didn't love them or have any respect for them."

"X&Y Have bought a burial plot next to ours when are you going to buy one ?" :eek:

Februarycat

I visit my parents grave a few times a year, went yesterday for mother's day, it was a lovely sunny day and me and my son biked there and cleaned the headstone and put some flowers, I like to go when I can and the weather is fine.

bargainbetty

All my family have been cremated, and their ashes are scattered without sign or memorial. The last time I visited where my grandparents ashes were scattered was when he scattered my Dad's and the next time will probably be for any other relative being 'composted'.

A family 'friend' once asked me why I didn't visit my Dad, and that she thought it was poor of me to forget him. I told that he was dead and therefore not receiving visitors, and if she thought that a spot under a tree in Falconwood Crematorium was in any way useful in remembering him, then she didn't know me or my Dad very well at all. Oh, and would she mind terribly sodding off and keeping her rude and unwanted opinions to herself in future?

If someone tries to guilt trip you OP, tell them politely but firmly that you grieve in your own way and it's none of their damn business to comment on it.

heartbreak_star

Nan and Grandad were cremated and we scattered most of their ashes at a lovely rocky cove where they used to take me as a child. A small part of the ashes are buried under a memorial stone with my great-uncle and aunt.

I feel closer to them going for a lovely walk around the cove than to the graveyard, so that's what I do to remember them.

Same with Dad - he has a plaque on a memorial bench at Mum's local seaside promenade. The local Lifeboat scattered his ashes at sea as he was a seafarer through and through - even after he came out of the Navy he volunteered for the RNLI We decorate the bench at Christmas as he loved Christmas, and sometimes I like to sit there and look out to sea.

One of the loveliest things happened after Dad's plaque was put up...a long-lost friend got in touch on FB and expressed condolences that Dad was gone. I popped to the bench the next day and they had left a small posy of flowers

HBS x

bylromarha

My dad died when I was 3. I have been visiting his grave on a regular basis since then (now late 30s).

As I was brought up to do so, it would feel wrong to stop visiting the grave. I go and place flowers, enjoy the peace and indulge myself in thinking of some photos I have of him. I have no real memories of him at all - except one, which is burned in the brain, of his lying dead on the sofa.

My mum died Nov 2012, and she her ashes are in the same place as dad's. I've been several times since her death, and know I will go and visit for the rest of my life and indulge myself in the memories I have of her when I'm there.

I think allowing yourself the space to recall loved ones is a healthy thing - for me it happens at the graveside, for others it happens in other ways like notices in newspapers or sitting in a favourite spot.

Your own grief is your own thing though - what is good for you is rubbish for someone else and it's sad when people think they know what's best for you in this. You're the best judge, no one else.

Torry_Quine

Gra76 wrote: »

I don't have a clue where my Dads ashes are. My Mum had him cremated 8 years ago and she never picked the ashes up. I'd imagine he's probably been scattered over a remembrance garden or something by now to make space for other ashes....

I don't lose any sleep over this. I don't really believe in 'spirits' and the like. I'm very much a believer that once your body dies that's it over and done with. When I'm done burn my body and have done with it!

I never knew my Grandads, both died before I was born, but my two Grandmas were both buried when I was in my teens. I've never felt the urge to visit their graves, although in fairness I live in East Yorkshire.... One of them in buried in Glasgow, one in a graveyard somewhere near Sligo in Ireland so not easy even if I wanted to!

The ashes will quite likely still be at the funeral director. I do remember last year that one funeral director tried to contact relatives of ashes they'd had for many years and even decades and those who weren't collected were scattered eventually.

jemb

I agree they're not there. My grandma hated the idea of a grave and stone so what did my grandad do when she died? Had her cremated but stuck her in the bloody ground! He lives 100 miles away and can't get there himself so we have to take him when we go over. My great gran used to say that there's no point the dead taking up room that the living could enjoy. I'm sticking to that when I go!

egoode

My mum died 5 years ago and I've been to her grave once since then however she's buried in a tiny town in Australia so it's a 24 hour flight and then a 4 hour drive to get to the grave site so not particularly easy for me to get to. I would probably go more often if it was closer or near where my family still lived. She was buried in the same cemetery as my grandparents but no one in the family lives near the area anymore so it isn't even convenient to go there when I do visit Australia.

I actually find cemeteries quite relaxing and interesting and often go and visit them when I'm travelling to different places. I've recently moved to a new area in London and it has a fairly famous cemetery and it's often really busy with people visiting graves, site seeing, exercising and walking dogs etc. I think it's great that the cemetery is a such a social place and not all about death.

Ms_Chocaholic

When my dear dad died, he was cremated but his ashes were buried. Although the graveyard is very close by, I never visit and I don't feel it's him there, I think his ashes were just a "shovel full" of whoever was cremated that day.

My mum is still alive and also lives very close by and she stipulated that she never wanted flowers laid at his grave - merely because they die and look untidy. I've therefore been unable to leave flowers to remember my dad which I find quite upsetting despite me still thinking he's not there.

Pickle29

My Dad died 9 years ago and was cremated but his ashes buried with his parents and a headstone says so. I go regularly to take fresh flowers and make him look nice but more importantly for me- to talk to him! I'd tell him about anything that is happening in my life. It is my wedding anniversary today and I wanted to share it with him. I cry every time I go but I always feel better after I've been. I also laugh at the things I say and hope he is laughing with me x

My mums ashes are 200 miles away but I go and see her and do the same when I am in the area, I think it's lovely to have a place to go, even though I still think about them both every day! X