Step Mothers support club

FBaby

Bur surely it is up to step mums to make it clear that they will not pick up the not so pleasant parental role on behalf of their partner.

FBaby

Stepmothers are just normal human beings. Some are brilliant, some are poor, some neglectful, some mean, even cruel. Most are just somewhere in the middle. So your stepmother being unpleasant to you is not an indication of stepmothers in general.

And where did I write that she was? I totally agree with the above. I gave her as a personal example of a step-mum who I don't think was a good one, but then gave also an example of one who I think was, yet you only picked up on the first one only. Why?

Maybe it is true that step-mothers are more closely judged than mothers, but I also think there is often a systematic defensiveness stand even where there is no accusation made in the first place.

Woolwich_Kim

FBaby wrote: »

Bur surely it is up to step mums to make it clear that they will not pick up the not so pleasant parental role on behalf of their partner.

She's likely to be told, as I was, to go and get a guy without children. And that is true, which is why I wouldn't be with a father again.

I have a friend who's now divorced. Her ex husband had a step mother who resented him and his brother. She was never directly horrible to them but had a general attitude of disinterest and dismisses them, making it clear they were nothing to do with her and she resented the time they spent with their father. He (friends ex hubby) always got the impression she wished he and his bro were dead before she met his father or were not even born at all. This caused great tension in his relationship with his father as I guess it does reflect badly that the father still stayed with her.

This resulted in him not having much respect for women, especially women in authoritive roles and it is this attitude that ultimately resulted in their divorce.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

FBaby wrote: »

How long have you been together? How old is the child? Do you live together?

I personally would say that depending on the stage of your relationship, you might in that 'I am doing too much too soon', thinking you are doing good to help everyone, but that could potentially lead you into the 'no-one appreciate what I do for them' and grow resentment that no-one will understand.

At the moment, you are helping the ex, your partner and your SD. You could very well be given them a false sense of what you are prepared to do for them. There might come a time when your SD doesn't find you as much fun and you don't feel like taking her out to allow your partner to have a breather. How will he feel then? How will she feel that you don't want to take her out any longer?

I am not saying that it is bound to go badly at all, it all depends whether you are happy to do all what you are doing and potentially all of it to be taken for granted.

A year, but we've been friends for longer. She's 4.

I had my kids young and remember very clearly what it was like to have to do everything myself - when I wasn't actually being actively sabotaged by the ex :cool:


I work in a high school, my two are older than her and have left home. I know that sometimes you become boring to them. But you don't push them away, a rejected teenager is as hurt as a rejected six year old.

The moment I became part of her life, I believe I took on some responsibility for her: I'm not her parents, she has two of those already. Which means, whether I feel appreciated or not (but I am, I know that), I have an obligation to her, not because she's my boyfriend's child, but because she's a child.


I would never have started seeing her Dad if having a child around was going to be a problem for me. It is a shame that I often go to social things alone because he is looking after her, it's a shame that we can't just drop everything and disappear off on holiday - but that's just how it is. I'd not want to be with him if he had no interest in his kid.



I'm not suggesting that I'm perfect or that it won't all go horribly wrong in the future. Believe me, I know how bad things can go.

But my viewpoint is that, whatever the future holds, whether I'm appreciated or not (and as Mum struggles with the responsibility, I can't help but look pretty unflappable with experience of two girls of my own, leading Brownies and my job in a high school), I'm morally obliged to do it. The bonus is that she's lovely.

FBaby

The moment I became part of her life, I believe I took on some responsibility for her: I'm not her parents, she has two of those already. Which means, whether I feel appreciated or not (but I am, I know that), I have an obligation to her, not because she's my boyfriend's child, but because she's a child.

my personal belief is that it is this mindset that is dangerous. You are not responsible for her, no more than you are responsible of a niece or nephew. Having an obligation towards a child IS taking on a parental role and this is why things go wrong, because step-mums will very often be left with only the negative aspects of being a parent, with little of the benefits that actual parents get, hence the resentment that can install itself in the relationship before anything can be done about it.

I would never have started seeing her Dad if having a child around was going to be a problem for me.

And I think that's how many step-mothers feel to start with...before they see the problem getting hold of them by which time it is too late to go because the love for the father has grown deep.

Saying that, if you can be happy with the sacrifices that you seem to accept, then it can work very well. I know kids who get along brilliantly with their step-mums and vice versa. One of my colleagues always gets excited on Friday when her step-daughter comes. They get along brilliantly and she has no issues with her spending exclusive time with her husband because as she says, she takes him off her for a while and she can have a break!

I am so relieved that things are working well between my kids and their step-mum, especially since there are many issues in the family but they are left out of it. From my perspective, she has found the perfect position in that she genuinely looks forward to seeing them and spending time with them, but has never step over the mark and acted as their mum. She has never disciplined them or told them what to do. There have been a couple of occasions when she offered for my DD to get some hair treatments I didn't agree with and she didn't insist when my DD relayed it to her. I think what has helped is that she considers my children easier to live with than her own children to her own admission. In any case, I am massively grateful to her to allow my children to be happy to go and see their dad and don't have the experience that ball in the throat that I used to get every other week-end visiting my dad.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

FBaby wrote: »

my personal belief is that it is this mindset that is dangerous. You are not responsible for her, no more than you are responsible of a niece or nephew. Having an obligation towards a child IS taking on a parental role and this is why things go wrong, because step-mums will very often be left with only the negative aspects of being a parent, with little of the benefits that actual parents get, hence the resentment that can install itself in the relationship before anything can be done about it.

And I think that's how many step-mothers feel to start with...before they see the problem getting hold of them by which time it is too late to go because the love for the father has grown deep.

Saying that, if you can be happy with the sacrifices that you seem to accept, then it can work very well. I know kids who get along brilliantly with their step-mums and vice versa. One of my colleagues always gets excited on Friday when her step-daughter comes. They get along brilliantly and she has no issues with her spending exclusive time with her husband because as she says, she takes him off her for a while and she can have a break!

I am so relieved that things are working well between my kids and their step-mum, especially since there are many issues in the family but they are left out of it. From my perspective, she has found the perfect position in that she genuinely looks forward to seeing them and spending time with them, but has never step over the mark and acted as their mum. She has never disciplined them or told them what to do. There have been a couple of occasions when she offered for my DD to get some hair treatments I didn't agree with and she didn't insist when my DD relayed it to her. I think what has helped is that she considers my children easier to live with than her own children to her own admission. In any case, I am massively grateful to her to allow my children to be happy to go and see their dad and don't have the experience that ball in the throat that I used to get every other week-end visiting my dad.

But, surely, any child in your care/home for any period of time is your responsibility? If a kid wakes at night, how can anybody roll over and go back to sleep, saying 'not my problem'? If you're about to cross a busy road, surely you stick your hand down for a little one to take it if you're nearest to the child?

That's not a parental role, that's being a normal human being. And as a human being, to me it's essential that she feels safe, secure and valued by her Daddy's girlfriend. Which her mumbling 'wuv you, Jojo' as she fell asleep splodged over me at New Year, tells me she does.


I just don't feel like there's a sacrifice involved.

FBaby

But, surely, any child in your care/home for any period of time is your responsibility?

Not when there is someone else there with that role. At least that's my opinion. If your niece came to stay over with your sister (assuming you had one!), and the child woke up in the night in pain, would you feel it is your responsibility to deal with it because she is in your house, or would you go and wake up your sister if your niece was really distressed? It is different of course if you are on your own with the child.

Again, your investment in your step-daughter seems to be worthwhile and rewarded and when that is the case, it is the best case scenario all around. However, as many step-mothers testify to, it doesn't always remain this way and you are then stuck in a vicious circle where you are expected to continue to do all the extra things you do for your step-child, but are not allowed to complain when you don't get the same appreciation from those you are taking these responsibilities from.

I personally think it is much safer to start with doing as little as possible and then gradually increase your involvement then starting with great enthusiasm and willingness to find be desillusioned and taken for granted.

I am again speaking in general terms as again, many very involved step-mothers are happy in their role.

paidinchickens

esmerelda98 wrote: »

In my opinion, the stepfather often occupies a very different position to the stepmother. Even in these times of equality it is well known that in the majority of homes childcare and household duties are not evenly split. Also, the split of duties within the home still tends towards the traditional. Therefore IMHO, mothers and therefore stepmothers are usually more hands-on than fathers and stepfathers. I am comparing mothers with fathers, and stepmothers with stepfathers, not, for example, stepmothers and biological fathers.

So I don't think it is unusual to hear that there is less tension and conflict where a stepfather is concerned, especially when the natural father takes a step back. It is not unusual for fathers to be less 'hands-on', and I think stepfathers usually are, and are expected to be (less hands-on). Whereas the stepmother can be viewed as trying too hard or being cold and disinterested if she steps back. More usually, however, she does get involved, giving interested parties and nosy spectators more opportunities to analyse her words, actions and inactions.

This is exactly true, everything you do and say is analysed and there is no right way as there is always someone who has something to say.

ttc39

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

A year, but we've been friends for longer. She's 4.

I had my kids young and remember very clearly what it was like to have to do everything myself - when I wasn't actually being actively sabotaged by the ex :cool:


I work in a high school, my two are older than her and have left home. I know that sometimes you become boring to them. But you don't push them away, a rejected teenager is as hurt as a rejected six year old.

The moment I became part of her life, I believe I took on some responsibility for her: I'm not her parents, she has two of those already. Which means, whether I feel appreciated or not (but I am, I know that), I have an obligation to her, not because she's my boyfriend's child, but because she's a child.


I would never have started seeing her Dad if having a child around was going to be a problem for me. It is a shame that I often go to social things alone because he is looking after her, it's a shame that we can't just drop everything and disappear off on holiday - but that's just how it is. I'd not want to be with him if he had no interest in his kid.



I'm not suggesting that I'm perfect or that it won't all go horribly wrong in the future. Believe me, I know how bad things can go.

But my viewpoint is that, whatever the future holds, whether I'm appreciated or not (and as Mum struggles with the responsibility, I can't help but look pretty unflappable with experience of two girls of my own, leading Brownies and my job in a high school), I'm morally obliged to do it. The bonus is that she's lovely.

I totally agree with your view on things .