Step Mothers support club

gropinginthedark

I've got a question I don't know where to ask so apologies if this is the wrong place. My wife died leaving me with a 6yo son. A few years later I re-married so my son now has a step-mum. They get on very well and she treats him as "her son" (she does have her own son but much older, married and a parent). There is a bit of sensitivity around the issue of - well I guess respect for his birth mother especially as mothers day is very close to the anniversary of his mothers death (some years it does fall on mother's day). He's been with his step mum more years that birth mother and I think he feels a bit uncomfortable about not having much memory of her and perhaps doesn't want to marginalise that any further.
The question is should he buy his step-mum a mothers day card/gift. Or perhaps, more to the point, should I prompt him in some way? She'd definitely be delighted but he's not taken the initiative in the past several years (now he's 20+).

3wisemonks

gropinginthedark wrote: »

I've got a question I don't know where to ask so apologies if this is the wrong place. My wife died leaving me with a 6yo son. A few years later I re-married so my son now has a step-mum. They get on very well and she treats him as "her son" (she does have her own son but much older, married and a parent). There is a bit of sensitivity around the issue of - well I guess respect for his birth mother especially as mothers day is very close to the anniversary of his mothers death (some years it does fall on mother's day). He's been with his step mum more years that birth mother and I think he feels a bit uncomfortable about not having much memory of her and perhaps doesn't want to marginalise that any further.
The question is should he buy his step-mum a mothers day card/gift. Or perhaps, more to the point, should I prompt him in some way? She'd definitely be delighted but he's not taken the initiative in the past several years (now he's 20+).

I think its quite sad that your ds hasn't done this for your dw, I would have a quiet word to see what his feelings are on the matter tbh. He may not be sure himself what is the right thing, the shops do stepmum cards if he is uncomfortable with mum ones.

Mint- I'm so sorry you are in a similar situation, we live in the same town and can't escape , maybe one day it'll be better x

neverdespairgirl

paidinchickens wrote: »

Another problem I found is if you say "bl**dy kids are doing my head in" people look at you in horror because they are not your kids but these same people don't bat an eye when you say it about your own ?? They all drive you bonkers at some point, you dont' have to give birth to them for them to do that

I don't have any step-children or step-parents, but when my son was a baby, my mother said something very calming and useful to me, that "sometimes being a good parent is managing not to throw the child out of the nearest window". Any loving mother, father, step-parent etc surely has days when a child drives them up the wall - like with a toddler who has just discovered the word "no", for example!

FBaby

paidinchickens wrote: »

Men have feelings?? :rotfl: joking

FBay

My husband was in the forces and was away quite a bit so I had to take on the roll of both parents to my step children. There was no alternative, unless I wanted my Mother in law to stay during his absence :eek::eek:


PiC x

I would hope in that case it was decided with your full agreement and get out card. After all what would be have done it you were not there?

Buzzybee90

I'm sure it's hard to be a step parent but it's sure as hell hard being a step child too. Your family has (in many cases) been ripped up, bitterness from both sides. Wholly horrible.

I'm lucky enough to be from a family where in our whole tree we have had one divorce! However, my OH is now techically a step child (even though he's an adult) and the venom he has experienced and the disruption (even from hundreds of miles away) has been awful for him, I can't begin to imagine what it's like for a child.

Well done to everyone trying to make it as easy as poss for the children involved.

Seanymph

gropinginthedark wrote: »

I've got a question I don't know where to ask so apologies if this is the wrong place. My wife died leaving me with a 6yo son. A few years later I re-married so my son now has a step-mum. They get on very well and she treats him as "her son" (she does have her own son but much older, married and a parent). There is a bit of sensitivity around the issue of - well I guess respect for his birth mother especially as mothers day is very close to the anniversary of his mothers death (some years it does fall on mother's day). He's been with his step mum more years that birth mother and I think he feels a bit uncomfortable about not having much memory of her and perhaps doesn't want to marginalise that any further.
The question is should he buy his step-mum a mothers day card/gift. Or perhaps, more to the point, should I prompt him in some way? She'd definitely be delighted but he's not taken the initiative in the past several years (now he's 20+).

Should he? Yes, of course he should! I too have step children who lost their first mother - the youngest, who I could cheefully throttle at the moment has been known to refer to me as 'second mum', 'other mum' - and just plain mum.

He doesn't in the family, he uses my name, but if someone phones or asks he says 'I'll ask my mum' - when doctors and dentists etc assume then we don't correct them.

Someone cleverer than I said early on not to over play it - I have told him I'm not looking to replace yadda yadda - that we'll visit the grave whenever he wants, but he does it because it's 'shorthand' - it is easier than having to explain to everyone that he has lost his first mum - and we talked about it 'do you want me to correct people' - no, don't bother. the advice I received? I am the 'mum' I'm not HIS mum, but if I was at work, on my door, or the nameplate on my desk, it would read 'mum'. That's the job I do.

I get a card from him on mum's day - but it usually says 'to you on mothers day' rather than 'to mum'.

To be honest, you should have been steering him to show his appreciation a lot sooner. OH didn't either, so don't feel bad - fortunately I have two kids in the same house who battered him into being thoughtful.

Kids need teaching to be thoughtful - even now it's not too late to say 'shall we take xxx out for dinner on Mothers day' and see what he says?

Person_one

Seanymph wrote: »

I have mine full time (well, I did until they left home) - and I have nothing nice to say about it at the moment.

I'm not sure, if I knew how hard it would be, if I would ever have taken up with OH.

Seanymph wrote: »

Hanky Panky I was a 'nurture' girl until I raised OH's kids - two of the are wicked, one isn't, he's lovely - but I think that there complete lack of morals, and continual theft and lying is inherent from their mothers side of the family.

I now am firmly in the 'nature' camp - they all had the same opportunities, same conditions, same treatment. Two are completely disengaged, and would stare you in the face and lie through their teeth.

It's been hard.

Seanymph wrote: »

Should he? Yes, of course he should! I too have step children who lost their first mother - the youngest, who I could cheefully throttle at the moment has been known to refer to me as 'second mum', 'other mum' - and just plain mum.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but are you getting any counselling or similar? Does your partner know how you feel about his children?

Woolwich_Kim

Apologies, not read all the posts.

My last partner had a child. I can honestly say that any problems we had in the relationship was almost always due to this child. This child was 6 when I met their father. My partner passed away 3 years ago, we were together for 5 years and due to be married.

I would never ever want to be in a relationship with someone who has young kid(s) ever again. I know that the older you are the chances of someone not having attachments is rare but I feel I'm better off and more happier being single than with someone who has kids.

Seanymph

Thanks for your concern Person_One - yes, my OH is aware of how I feel - because I'm just following his lead.

Unfortunately as a step parent you can't 'parent' in the same way as you do your own - your authority comes from your partner - he needs to 'suggest' cards and things, ensure you get respect, take point with their own children - look after the discipline, be front runner on the decisions....

When you have kids each, you negotiate and find common ground for boundaries for ALL children of the family.

He is fine with my kids, his eldest is very much part of our family - his daughter is not, and his son is very much on our !!!! list at the moment.

Not mine, both of ours.

So yes, he knows, because I follow his lead with his children.

Person_one

Seanymph wrote: »

He is fine with my kids, his eldest is very much part of our family - his daughter is not, and his son is very much on our !!!! list at the moment.

Maybe Relate might be a good idea? They do family counselling as well as couples.

I won't deny I find your posts fairly alarming, things are clearly not good.