Step Mothers support club

paidinchickens

Hi,

My husband and I are on our second marriage and both have two children. My eldest has left home and has her own family now (thankfully on both sides!) and we have the three boys living with us full time.

DHs youngest was four when we got together and he is now coming up to 12. The next is 14 and my DS is 17.

We have been through some really tough times but some how we have muddled through as best we could.

One of the things I found was that I knew plenty of women who have their step children at weekends and I know plenty of men who have step children full time but I know no women who have their step children full time.

Another problem I found is if you say "bl**dy kids are doing my head in" people look at you in horror because they are not your kids but these same people don't bat an eye when you say it about your own ?? They all drive you bonkers at some point, you dont' have to give birth to them for them to do that

We have learnt to muddle through and we have managed pretty well so far but as they reach teenagers I thought it would be a good idea to have other peoples points of view and experiences.

So over to you, are you a Step Mother? How have you survived?

PiC x

cllola

Hi - great idea. Step parenting is really tough at times!

I am a recently initiated step mum, i have a son (5 years) and DH's twin boys are 3. We have been together for nearly 2 years so all the children don't really know much different. DS remembers a little of a time before we were together though. We have DS all the time and the twins at the weekends. DH was in a similar family situation when he was growing up and the best piece of advice we have taken from his dad and step mum was that the children were all treated equally by all parties regardless of whose they were. They were simply the children of the family and were brothers and sisters.

We make sure 'our' boys follow the same rules, we always back each other up during disclipline and guidance etc. If one of us dissagrees with something then we discuss it away from the children so that there is always a united front. I think supporting each other is the most important thing to do in a step family, one of you are bound to have reservations about something at some point and communication is the key to resolving those issues before they become real problems.

I can't pretend that it isnt hard work and it took me months to adjust to the above and i'm still adjusting!

I agree its difficult to 'moan' about step children for fear of being cast as the wicked step mother but children are children and when you live with them they can be trying regardless of whose they are. I've not reached the point where i feel like i can moan yet!!

The boys are becoming really good friends as well as brothers and we hope we can provide a solid home for them to grow up in, even if it is a bit unconventional.

We are expecting a little girl in May - adding a fourth to the mix is going to be interesting!

Seanymph

I have mine full time (well, I did until they left home) - and I have nothing nice to say about it at the moment.

I'm not sure, if I knew how hard it would be, if I would ever have taken up with OH.

turtlemoose

3 years and counting. Welcome to the club!

Mint1955

14 years two step kids and loads of heartache and still it goes on!!!

paidinchickens

When DH and I got together I had no one to ask and because your a woman your just supposed to get on with it.

Some days have been hard and some days have been heartbreaking. I'm sure when they get to "that age" we will go through hell and I'd like to hear about the good and bad to see how you managed through and what advice you could give to others.

Seanymph I hope things get better for you x

Another problem we used to have was the elder two boys would pick/leave out the younger one and DH and I would torture ourselves over it until we were asked if we were a "normal" family and all three children were ours would we make such a big deal about it and after that we didn't worry so much.

PiC x

Seanymph

Thank you - of my step children two have left home, one remains - and one of mine has gone and one remains.

Unfortunately this week is not a good week - some are better than others - but step parenting is thankless, and it doesn't matter what you do you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Mint1955

Would I do it all again?

Definitely not but then I wouldn't be with my partner !

Saying that We have only had a few weekends in 14 years on our own and three whole blissful months last year and that's it. No support really and loads of hassle.

mica2000

hi im a step parent to 3 all have left home now,2 left allmost immediatley as i moved in.its just as hard for the kids as it is the step parent,i know cuz i had a step dad too.i had a troubled step dtr caused endless rows constant battle,but now shes older she sees me as her friend not her enemy took long enough lol and id do it all again.ppl say u cant love step kids like ur own any thoughts on this?

paidinchickens

Mint 14 years :eek:

Seanymph It is a thankless task indeed. Hopefully now they have moved out they will realise how good they had it at home.

When I was working I couldn't have time off if the step children were sick as they were not my children ???????? Thanks B&Q for your family friendly policies

PiC x

Seanymph

mica I think you can offer them the same level of commitment - but I read an article about if a bus was heading for the two kids would she grab her child first - and her honest answer was yes. I think she was telling the truth.

I too would, now, prioritise my children. I didn't, because I didn't want to be SEEN to be prioritising my children, but now I am. They care back, and that makes it much easier.