Step Mothers support club

CH27

Seanymph wrote: »

Thanks for your concern Person_One - yes, my OH is aware of how I feel - because I'm just following his lead.

Unfortunately as a step parent you can't 'parent' in the same way as you do your own - your authority comes from your partner - he needs to 'suggest' cards and things, ensure you get respect, take point with their own children - look after the discipline, be front runner on the decisions....

When you have kids each, you negotiate and find common ground for boundaries for ALL children of the family.

He is fine with my kids, his eldest is very much part of our family - his daughter is not, and his son is very much on our !!!! list at the moment.

Not mine, both of ours.

So yes, he knows, because I follow his lead with his children.

Do you think these problems are agitating the situation with your husband's brain problems?

Seanymph

No, I don't - his daughter moved out over three years ago, and has phoned twice in the last two years - his brain injury was August. She didn't phone, visit, enquire how he was doing.

I think the stress of his youngest son who still lives with us hasn't helped, but I don't think it's affected his recovery - it affected mine, his son was completely unconcerned and unsupportive when it happened - my girls both took time out from college and university to stay with him so I could attend work on days I couldn't work from home. On the one day his son was supposed to stay with him on two occasions when people came to the house he'd disappeared - once to go get his wages and the second time to go spend them on drugs.

OH has pretty much disengaged from both his daughter and son - as a step parent you can't make up for a parent who doesn't.

I have done six years of attending all the school events alone, doctors, dentist, hospital appointments - I even had a family support worker attend the house three times for 'family sessions' and OH refused to leave work early - we had the sessions without him.

I am fed up to the back teeth with two of my step kids - my step daughter is living with a friend after being thrown out by her maternal grandmother - she owes her money, her brother money, her aunt money - she has payday loans, she has lied about all sorts of things, on one memorable occasion she crashed into someone in her car and told them her father had just died and she was upset. Obviously he isn't dead, but she uses that for sympathy - she has been accused of theft from the old people whose domestic care she provides through an agency - she does not talk to OH's mum, or his sister - and is not speaking to either of her brothers.

I can promise you the deficiency isn't mine. she lived with us until she was 16, and CHOOSE to go live with her grandmother. She was seeing a counsellor through CAMHS who says she has aspergic tendencies, and her grandmother told her everything would be fine if she went to live there. Turns out it isn't, and now her grandmother has thrown her out.

My step son has similar morals and standards. He has been arrested for drugs, stolen from me, stolen from my business, taken my bank cards, driven his moped uninsured having said it was - taken driving lesson money from me and oh and told us how it all went for 10 weeks before the instructor called and told us he hadn't been for nearly three months.....

I could write pages and pages of things they have both done, and also, obviously, how I have tried to support them and seek support for them.

However this week is not a good week. And I have called time on trying to maintain a one sided relationship with two kids who couldn't give a stuff about their father, much less me.

I don't need marriage counselling - my marriage is fine - two of my stepkids however are not nice people - not nice adults now, as they are almost 18 and 20.

I did my best, I put time, money, energy and care and concern into them - and they care about no one but themselves.

So, I now don't - it's a conscious decision to disengage (google it - it's a way of coping).

I speak very frankly on here, and carry very little guilt because I absolutely have earnt the t shirt - step parenting is hard, thankless, and no matter how much you give, and how hard you try - it can remain a one way street.

I hope, as many posters have said, in time they wise up, and start to appreciate what they had - but so far there is no sign of it.

Mfu

Had to actively join this site just to say that no child should ever be forced, badgered or made to feel bad about not calling a person mum or treating a person as though they are. Feelings can not be forced upon a person especially if that person is youngster they should be natural. Especially were a mother has died.

ttc39

My step son thought it ok to go out and spend 85 quid on trainers last week despite the fact he owes his dad and I 200 plus.

Just an example of how he thinks what he says /does rules at the moment :-(

He won't be borrowing any more money off us again .

Woolwich_Kim

Seanymph wrote: »

I have mine full time (well, I did until they left home) - and I have nothing nice to say about it at the moment.

I'm not sure, if I knew how hard it would be, if I would ever have taken up with OH.

Being quite a newbie here I don't know your background but I'm glad you said this.

Admittedly, I resented the mere presence of my partner's child (6 when I met my partner). I can honestly say I don't think I could ever take on a guy with a kid again no matter how great he was.

BUT

I do not have kids myself either with him or from previous relationship. Do you think this fact means I would understand less about parenting? That's one thing he always said to me, that I didn't understand anything about parenting or how torn he feels at times.

FBaby

When I found myself single and looking for a new partner, I set my mind on a man who was already a dad as I felt he would be more understanding of my priorities as a mum and more likely to be confortable with my children. As it is I married a man without children and it is a real relief. I can relate to the feeling that it is nicer to get just the man rather than his family on top. Saying that, he took me and my children and he is fine with it. We have found what is right for all of us and that is what matter.

I had a real difficult time as a child with my step-mum and wished at the time my dad had never met her. It wasn't that I wanted my dad for myself, I had got very close to a previous girlfriend of his, it was just a personality clash and the fact that like many, I came as a poisoned package as she would have prefer to have my dad without me. We are now very close.

My kids get along very well their step-mum. They used to have a closer relationship with her, she has removed herself a bit from them but they get along well. I think she really looks forward to them coming to visit their dad.

FBaby

I do not have kids myself either with him or from previous relationship. Do you think this fact means I would understand less about parenting? That's one thing he always said to me, that I didn't understand anything about parenting or how torn he feels at times.

Just to pick up on this and my childess husband. I do feel that he understand and respect very well my devotion for my children. He has never ever shown sign of jealousy in that regards, which I am very grateful for as I would find this extremely difficult to live with. However, what I have found is that he sometimes compare how I am raising my children with how he was raised himself and struggles at time to appreciate that for one, he has forgotten a lot about his own behaviour (confirmed by his mum!), and the fact that generation do evolve and what wasn't acceptable when we were children is now, just like we had evolved from how our own parents had been brought up (like being able to talk at the table).

What works for us is that he doesn't get involved in their education. I do believe that it is essential that all in all, he does think I am bringing them up well. It is only when my son gets a bit stroppy and answers back that he gets annoyed and if he feels he is going too far will say something, which is absolutely fine, but as a whole, I am their parent and it is for me to discipline them. This is very clear between all of us and why I think it works well.

Tiglath

15 years a stepmum to 2 now-adults. I found it incredibly hard but not because of the behaviour of the kids or anyone else; it was just resentment on my part because I hadn't realised how much it would change my life in terms of being able to have 'downtime.' All good now though - no other kids on either side, and I have a brilliant relationship with the stepchildren I'd never do it again though - a childfree set-up is my absolute preferred option..

Seanymph

Woolwich_Kim - I think that for him to say you don't understand 'ANYTHING' about parenting is not fair.

Using someone's childless status to win an argument seems wrong to me.

You may not be a parent - but if you are step parenting his child then that's all he needs to know - you have a right to your feelings and opinions because you are in the mix.

Mfu I think you misunderstood my post, if it was my comment that made you post. No one in our family has ever forced SS to call me anything - he refers to me as 'mum' to other people because it's short hand and easier.

And he buys me a card because I do the job - the washing, cleaning, cooking - the caring.

You are completely right, no child should be forced, ever, to go against their feelings and make out they care about someone they don't - but equally, 'say thankyou' is something that is not taught to children enough - and recognising that their step parent deserves respect, and recognition - I think that does bear a mention.

I say to my children, my biological children - 'did you remember to buy your dad a fathers day card?' - because I support that relationship and reminding them means he gets a card (I also remind them his birthday and christmas posting times) - it is not a long stretch to say 'did you get a little something for your step father?' That doesn't mean he is a father replacement, that they are forced to love him - but it means that as their mother I expect them to make a gesture of gratitude for the support and care he has given them over the year.

Parents often don't - they allow their children to take step parents completely for granted, because they don't want to 'force the issue' as in your post.

I am not saying these kids have to love me back - just that for a father to remember mothers day and ensure all children of the family mark the occasion so the woman who is holding the 'mum desk' in the family gets a card should not be expecting too much, i am not talking forcing emotions, just recognising the time and care on an annual basis.

esmerelda98

FBaby wrote: »

like many, I came as a poisoned package as she would have prefer to have my dad without me. We are now very close.
.

There is a lot more I would like to say on this thread but I haven't the time right now, but I cannot let this 'straight out of the fairy tales, wicked stepmother comment pass'. Where is your evidence that 'many' stepmothers would rather have the man without the children?

My experience, which has been recounted again and again on here is that women go into these relationships thinking that lots of love and persistence is what is needed, and they get disillusioned when they realise that they are often perceived as being in the wrong by at least one of the other three parties, and sometimes all three. They put in a lot of hard work and get little appreciation, even from their partner, which hurts especially.

Stepmothers especially, whether they choose to or not will find themselves doing the traditional mothering tasks, and can you imagine the outcry if the stepmother were to do, for example, packed lunches for her children, leaving the father to do the lunches for his as you suggest? In some cases those children wouldn't get a lunch, if the father isn't used to such duties. And what kind of family would that be?

That is why I advise unattached women to realise what the battleground their life may become, if they take up with a man who already has children, because there may well be very little thanks on offer. From your partner, the child, their mother, if still living, or society who regard stepmothers with a lot of suspicion. Expected to be Mother Theresa, Princess Diana and the Dalai Lama all rolled into one, and be grateful for the indifference or hostility you get in return. The view is that you knew what you were getting into (not always the case), so make sure you do!