Step Mothers support club

Shelldean

Must say reading these stories makes me realise just how fortunate we've been.
I'm not a step parent, but my OH is.
Maybe the fact she was so young when we got together that has helped.
She was only 4 mths. She did and still see her Bio dad, she saw him more often when she was younger, than she did during her teens. Originally he was Daddy while OH was Daddy Shelldean, but the birth of our boys meant she slowly changed from that to calling OH Daddy and her Bio dad by his Christian name. Totally uninfluenced by ourselves, more due to ex not spending time with her, whilst she stayed at his mothers.


But OH is her parent in all aspects, he wipes her tears, puts a plaster on, gives hugs, disciplines her and make her packed lunches etc etc just as he does for our three boys.
In fact people simply don't realise she isn't his unless told, and even people who've known us for a few yrs, express shock when something is mentioned about her other family.


I suppose its the usual horses for courses and what works for us, wont work for others? But I'm just realising just HOW lucky we've been really.


Btw DD is now 21, and is possibly closer to OH than she is to myself

FBaby

My evidence as you call it is derived from talking to step mums and reading forums. A lot of typical defensiveness when there had been no accusation made in the first place. My step mother was very unpleasant towards me something she has wholly admitted herself. It wasn't intentional but a case of meaning well trying too hard and and some deep resentment for the level of attention my dad gave me. However as already written I think my ex partner is a very good step mum to my kids despite not liking her as a person and I feel very lucky as a mum that it is the case.

Woolwich_Kim

esmerelda98 wrote: »

There is a lot more I would like to say on this thread but I haven't the time right now, but I cannot let this 'straight out of the fairy tales, wicked stepmother comment pass'. Where is your evidence that 'many' stepmothers would rather have the man without the children?

My experience, which has been recounted again and again on here is that women go into these relationships thinking that lots of love and persistence is what is needed, and they get disillusioned when they realise that they are often perceived as being in the wrong by at least one of the other three parties, and sometimes all three. They put in a lot of hard work and get little appreciation, even from their partner, which hurts especially.

Stepmothers especially, whether they choose to or not will find themselves doing the traditional mothering tasks, and can you imagine the outcry if the stepmother were to do, for example, packed lunches for her children, leaving the father to do the lunches for his as you suggest? In some cases those children wouldn't get a lunch, if the father isn't used to such duties. And what kind of family would that be?

That is why I advise unattached women to realise what the battleground their life may become, if they take up with a man who already has children, because there may well be very little thanks on offer. From your partner, the child, their mother, if still living, or society who regard stepmothers with a lot of suspicion. Expected to be Mother Theresa, Princess Diana and the Dalai Lama all rolled into one, and be grateful for the indifference or hostility you get in return. The view is that you knew what you were getting into (not always the case), so make sure you do!

This is why I wouldn’t be with a guy who had young kids ever again. Perhaps it makes a difference that my last partner wasn’t the ‘resident parent’ so I wasn’t taking on a single father as such. The vast majority of the time, our relationship was just me and him, without any interruptions or being mindful of anyone else. When his child was over, of course it meant I had to take a back seat and come second. I resented this and just stayed away and made plans of my own when the child was over.

It wasn’t easy that his family would also prioritise the child’s mother over myself when I have been with my partner longer than her (or anyone else). When he was ill nobody bat an eyelid when I took time off work unpaid to care for him and nobody ever once offered me any help or respite. I’ve not heard from most of his family since his funeral nearly 3 years ago. And I’ve not seen or spoken to the child since.

paidinchickens

Woolwich_Kim wrote: »

This is why I wouldn’t be with a guy who had young kids ever again. Perhaps it makes a difference that my last partner wasn’t the ‘resident parent’ so I wasn’t taking on a single father as such. The vast majority of the time, our relationship was just me and him, without any interruptions or being mindful of anyone else. When his child was over, of course it meant I had to take a back seat and come second. I resented this and just stayed away and made plans of my own when the child was over.

It wasn’t easy that his family would also prioritise the child’s mother over myself when I have been with my partner longer than her (or anyone else). When he was ill nobody bat an eyelid when I took time off work unpaid to care for him and nobody ever once offered me any help or respite. I’ve not heard from most of his family since his funeral nearly 3 years ago. And I’ve not seen or spoken to the child since.

That's really sad. There are so many pitfalls to step parenting, it's hard enough without the adults being funny bu88ers as well.

PiC x

Woolwich_Kim

paidinchickens wrote: »

That's really sad. There are so many pitfalls to step parenting, it's hard enough without the adults being funny bu88ers as well.

PiC x

Yes, and why I would never do it again. I'm sorry if I am going to offend any single parents here, but I would be selling myself short if I did into a relationship with a dad.

It doesn't bother me to lose touch with all his family, as it must be difficult when you only know someone through someone else who is now gone. And besides, if they didn't bother before whilst he was alive then I rather them not bother now.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Not quite at the step mum stage yet, but things are going well.

I find I've got a lot more patience with her than I did with my own kids when they were little. I can do the fun activities, as I'm not worn out by the day to day struggles. And I understand what it's like from the position of being the PWC and the 'absent' parent.

My failsafe answer to anything is 'what does Daddy think?'. And if she's trying to get a different answer, 'what did Daddy say?'

We make pictures and things she can take home, she is given clear answers and explanations appropriate to her age, and I always tell her Dad exactly what I've said or done if I've been in sole charge of her briefly.

Unfortunately, Mum doesn't cope very well as a parent and it falls to him to pick up the pieces of her messed up life. Messed up by her own choices and actions, not his. He seems to be a parent to his ex half the time, tbh. I let him vent about it, I reassure him if he has to say 'no' to his ex that he's doing the right thing - and I've always said that if I think he's in the wrong, I'll tell him. And yes, I'll explain sometimes how it might be from her point of view.


I've lent him money to help her out occasionally - with a gentle 'I don't begrudge it, but I'm lending it to you, not her - what you do with it is entirely your decision' and I would be fine with helping out with childcare sometimes, as I think she needs stability and to know there are people she can rely upon, whether they're related genetically or not.

He's still grateful that I'll take her out or keep her occupied so he gets a few minutes' breather. But it's taking the pressure off him and being supportive of him, which is my job, surely?


DD has offered to look after her for the day this week when she's off school - she's seeing her as a potential little sister - but it's still in terms of what he decides is OK. (And if a day off helps Mum, well, that's good for her, too).



On the 'who would you rescue?' Thing, I think I would be going for the smallest, most defenceless one. His DD. But you never know for sure.



It's a tricky balancing act, but hopefully we're getting it right.

GwylimT

My partner is a step mother to my son, now we have two more children she has realised biological children are just as annoying!

She told me she thought be a 'proper' mum would be easier, she couldn't have been more wrong.

FBaby

He's still grateful that I'll take her out or keep her occupied so he gets a few minutes' breather. But it's taking the pressure off him and being supportive of him, which is my job, surely?

How long have you been together? How old is the child? Do you live together?

I personally would say that depending on the stage of your relationship, you might in that 'I am doing too much too soon', thinking you are doing good to help everyone, but that could potentially lead you into the 'no-one appreciate what I do for them' and grow resentment that no-one will understand.

At the moment, you are helping the ex, your partner and your SD. You could very well be given them a false sense of what you are prepared to do for them. There might come a time when your SD doesn't find you as much fun and you don't feel like taking her out to allow your partner to have a breather. How will he feel then? How will she feel that you don't want to take her out any longer?

I am not saying that it is bound to go badly at all, it all depends whether you are happy to do all what you are doing and potentially all of it to be taken for granted.

esmerelda98

FBaby wrote: »

My evidence as you call it is derived from talking to step mums and reading forums. A lot of typical defensiveness when there had been no accusation made in the first place. My step mother was very unpleasant towards me something she has wholly admitted herself. It wasn't intentional but a case of meaning well trying too hard and and some deep resentment for the level of attention my dad gave me. However as already written I think my ex partner is a very good step mum to my kids despite not liking her as a person and I feel very lucky as a mum that it is the case.

I am not a stepmother. Therefore I have nothing to be defensive about in this regard.

Stepmothers are just normal human beings. Some are brilliant, some are poor, some neglectful, some mean, even cruel. Most are just somewhere in the middle. So your stepmother being unpleasant to you is not an indication of stepmothers in general. The thing people often forget is that they are human beings too, so of course they make mistakes. However their mistakes are much more likely to be leapt on, analysed and re-analysed than when a biological parent makes a poor decision, because people think that the biological parent has their heart in the right place. With the stepmother there is often a tendency to be suspicious about their motives.

esmerelda98

Shelldean wrote: »

Must say reading these stories makes me realise just how fortunate we've been.
I'm not a step parent, but my OH is.
Maybe the fact she was so young when we got together that has helped.
She was only 4 mths. She did and still see her Bio dad, she saw him more often when she was younger, than she did during her teens. Originally he was Daddy while OH was Daddy Shelldean, but the birth of our boys meant she slowly changed from that to calling OH Daddy and her Bio dad by his Christian name. Totally uninfluenced by ourselves, more due to ex not spending time with her, whilst she stayed at his mothers.


But OH is her parent in all aspects, he wipes her tears, puts a plaster on, gives hugs, disciplines her and make her packed lunches etc etc just as he does for our three boys.
In fact people simply don't realise she isn't his unless told, and even people who've known us for a few yrs, express shock when something is mentioned about her other family.


I suppose its the usual horses for courses and what works for us, wont work for others? But I'm just realising just HOW lucky we've been really.


Btw DD is now 21, and is possibly closer to OH than she is to myself

In my opinion, the stepfather often occupies a very different position to the stepmother. Even in these times of equality it is well known that in the majority of homes childcare and household duties are not evenly split. Also, the split of duties within the home still tends towards the traditional. Therefore IMHO, mothers and therefore stepmothers are usually more hands-on than fathers and stepfathers. I am comparing mothers with fathers, and stepmothers with stepfathers, not, for example, stepmothers and biological fathers.

So I don't think it is unusual to hear that there is less tension and conflict where a stepfather is concerned, especially when the natural father takes a step back. It is not unusual for fathers to be less 'hands-on', and I think stepfathers usually are, and are expected to be (less hands-on). Whereas the stepmother can be viewed as trying too hard or being cold and disinterested if she steps back. More usually, however, she does get involved, giving interested parties and nosy spectators more opportunities to analyse her words, actions and inactions.