Daughter's boyfriend, worrying behaviour

paulineb_2

BugglyB wrote: »

I would just urge caution to you.

In these circumstances I wouldn’t be surprised if your daughters BF has already started with her on ‘your dad doesn’t like me, he’s never liked me, don’t listen to him’ etc.

The police won’t do or log anything at the address or against his name unless it is your daughter that contacts them, so at best it will be a waste of time and at worst you may well just inflame matters by approaching them.

Your daughter is not a little girl, shes a woman. If I was you I would sit with her and start by saying ‘I liked x when you got together, I still like him, I just think he has some issues and maybe the relationship is not healthy for you at the moment’ – reassure her, let her know that you love her, and you are there for her, and offer her any financial or practical help that you can offer, give her the number for womens aid etc. Crucially let her know that you respect her if she continues the relationship and you still want to see him and her regularly.

Text her regularly, not ‘are you ok whats going on’ but breezy updates about your day and general chit chat. Assert your presence without being domineering – stay beyond reproach!

I wouldnt be saying I wanted to see the pair of them regularly if she continues the relationship. Hes abusing her, this is abuse, its also borderline stalking, it actually sounds like more than borderline.

No shes not a little girl, but adults can get involved and trapped in abusive relationships

Yes, if he comes on too strong it might push them together, but I absolutely think given that his behaviour is obsessive, Id be saying in that this is not healthy and getting away from him needs to be her priority. Ie ending the relationship and moving somewhere that he cant find her.

He may be threatening to harm himself, but he could also harm the OP's daughter and god forbid if that did happen, then I bet there would be a few people sitting thinking, I wish we had done something.

The mum wants the OP to have a word, what is she doing to support her daughter?

BugglyB

paulineb wrote: »

I wouldnt be saying I wanted to see the pair of them regularly if she continues the relationship. Hes abusing her, this is abuse, its also borderline stalking, it actually sounds like more than borderline.

No shes not a little girl, but adults can get involved and trapped in abusive relationships

Yes, if he comes on too strong it might push them together, but I absolutely think given that his behaviour is obsessive, Id be saying in that this is not healthy and getting away from him needs to be her priority. Ie ending the relationship and moving somewhere that he cant find her.

He may be threatening to harm himself, but he could also harm the OP's daughter and god forbid if that did happen, then I bet there would be a few people sitting thinking, I wish we had done something.

The mum wants the OP to have a word, what is she doing to support her daughter?

The advice comes from years of having counselled DV victims and listening to them have to choose between their families and their partners, because their families have (quite understandably) said 'hes not welcome in this house' or 'if you carry on with him we dont ever want to see him.

Abusers are quick to turn it into a 'them or me' scenario and the alst thing you want to do as a family member is encourage this.

Getting away may 'need to be her priority' but OP can't change her priorities, only she can do that. He can help, but help needs to be constructive and not dictated.

paulineb_2

BugglyB wrote: »

The advice comes from years of having counselled DV victims and listening to them have to choose between their families and their partners, because their families have (quite understandably) said 'hes not welcome in this house' or 'if you carry on with him we dont ever want to see him.

Abusers are quick to turn it into a 'them or me' scenario and the alst thing you want to do as a family member is encourage this.

Getting away may 'need to be her priority' but OP can't change her priorities, only she can do that. He can help, but help needs to be constructive and not dictated.

I appreciate that you have your experiences, but I do as well and that shapes how we feel about certain situations. I did say in my above post that if he comes on too strong it might push them together, however, I think the warning signs are there, big warning signs.

I dont agree as I said about the family seeing the pair of them regularly, hes abusing her and any time the father or any of the rest of the family sees them as a pair, its highly unlikely that she would have the freedom to talk and it also might send out signals that the family actually accept whats happening to the daughter, even if they dont.

My mum worked with women who didnt survive domestic abuse and she never got over it. Again, hes talking about harming himself, he could very end up harming the daughter, if he isnt already. The comment that was made about making her pay for it if she spends time with family is very concerning.

Its fine to disagree and give different advice, the OP can accept or reject the advice that's given.

BugglyB

paulineb wrote: »

I appreciate that you have your experiences, but I do as well and that shapes how we feel about certain situations. I did say in my above post that if he comes on too strong it might push them together, however, I think the warning signs are there, big warning signs.

I dont agree as I said about the family seeing the pair of them regularly, hes abusing her and any time the father or any of the rest of the family sees them as a pair, its highly unlikely that she would have the freedom to talk and it also might send out signals that the family actually accept whats happening to the daughter, even if they dont.

My mum worked with women who didnt survive domestic abuse and she never got over it. Again, hes talking about harming himself, he could very end up harming the daughter, if he isnt already. The comment that was made about making her pay for it if she spends time with family is very concerning.

Its fine to disagree and give different advice, the OP can accept or reject the advice that's given.

You dont need to convince me that he is dangerous or that shes in danger, I understand that. There are just different strategies to deal with it. It doesn't sound like they spend a huge deal of time together anyway (bf and dad) so perhaps not much of an issue.

Its very easy, if dad says he wont spend any time with bf, or even entertain the notion, for bf to convince daughter that its dads fault, dad has a problem with him, dad wants them apart, 'your family always hated me' etc.

There are ways to spend time around someone without condoning their behaviour or the relationship. I'm more counsellilng against the 'you need to leave him now and come with me' approach - it might work short term but he will still (in most circumstances) have his claws in her emotionally.

Yep, is definitely fine to disagree and give different advice.

paulineb_2

Ive spoken about experiences my mum had on the forum before. She married her ex husband, he first hit her I believe not long after they got married. She couldnt get him out, he wouldnt leave. When the fights got physical, she gave back as good as she got, but he was always the one who started it. Shes five foot 3, he was tall and well built.

Her family didnt know, my grandpa had not long died of cancer and my mum believes that he married her thinking she would have got money when my grandpa died. Everything my grandpa had went to my gran and my gran was good to all of us for many years after my grandpa died, to the end of her life which was 30 years later, but my mum didnt get an inheritance directly from her dad.

My mum didnt tell her family for a long time, my gran was still grieving due to my grandpas death and she was too proud to tell her brother what was going on. My gran was no fool and while she might not have known the specifics, she knew he was a ratbag.

One day when I was at school my mum came downstairs to find all the gas taps on the cooker had been turned on, it was actually my gran who had walked in to find that. There was a lot of mental cruelty as well, after the gas tap incident he said he didnt do it, my mum was a nutter etc, lots of stuff happened. He never touched me and my mum always said if he had she'd have got rid of him sooner, she took the beatings. My mum later found out that his first wife had got a divorce on the grounds of mental cruelty and that wasnt easy to do in the 70s.

I absolutely understand that it is not easy when you are dealing with someone who is abusive. From the outside looking in its so easy to say, do this and do that.

But the OP said in the first paragraph that he is concerned that things might get much worse. After my mum got him out she set up an advice centre in our home town for women who were suffering abuse, with the help of womens aid. She worked with women who didnt get away from partners, who found out where their ex partners were living and as I said above she never got over it.

I know its a complex issue. I saw my mum go through what she went through. Shes one of the strongest and most intelligent people I know, what happened to her can happen to a lot of people.

No easy answers, but if there are huge warning signs, my advice would be, don't ignore them.

ifstar

Byzantium14 wrote: »

Regular poster, new anonymous account.

Looking for people's viewpoints, as I am not sure what to do. Bit of background: I have two daughters, and their Mum and I split up when they were quite young. D1 is 30, sensible and strong-minded. D2 is 26 and emotionally less robust. She's a clever girl, but unsure of herself and physically quite petite. Mum and I split when they were 3 and 7 and although I have had a good relationship with them since then, and we have never lost touch, things have always been less than ideal for obvious reasons. I don't feel I am as close to them as I should be, or want to be.

D2 had a bit of a bad year (I don't know the full details, but plenty of inappropriate behaviour, I think) and ended up being treated for depression and had counselling. I was thrilled when she got a job near to where D1 and her partner were living (call this town A), and they all got together and rented a house. It all worked really well, but last year the rental agreement ended, and at the same time D1 got a job in London, so D1 moved there. D2 had a boyfriend who has an apartment about 40 miles away in town B, and she went to live with him. I've met the lad a few times and he seemed a good sort, so I thought things were fine. She commuted the 40 miles back to her job, often using his car as he lived close enough to his work to be able to walk. This went on for about 6 months.

Then recently her Mum told me that she had moved out and was renting a room back in town A. D2 wouldn't talk to me about it over the phone, except to say that everything was OK, so last weekend I drove up and spent the weekend with her. D1 also came to stay, so we had a really pleasant time. This is the story that I get told eventually:

D2 finds the boyfriend very needy and controlling, and decided to get her own base closer to work as she desperately needed space. She finds a spare room through a friend and moves some of her stuff there. She was living in A for the week, and returning to B at weekends. Boyfriend can't understand why she isn't available for him 24/7 and does the whole crying, begging, pleading thing. In one sense he is a pathetic figure and he has told D2 that she is a heartless b!tch etc for not wanting to spend time with him, but on the other hand he resents her spending any time away with him and if she (for example) goes to see her sister in London he 'makes her pay for it' when she comes back. If she has Monday night with her sister, he says she has to spend the whole of the next weekend alone with him to 'pay him back' for her absence. She has almost cut off contact with D1 because, in her words, the hassle with BF isn't worth it. She really knows that she has to stop going back to him and cut off all contact, but she is too soft, and feels sorry for him. I think she is also afraid of what he might do.

So far, so good, and I would be all for saying they are all in their late 20s, and they should learn to sort out their own problems. But then I found out that BF has threatened suicide. Worse than that, he has started what I can only think is dangerously obsessive behaviour. She went out with her sister one night, and he sent her around 80 texts asking her what she was doing, who she was with, and why she hadn't come home. One Sunday night, she wanted to return to A for work on Monday, and said she would take a taxi to the station as she didn't want him to drive her there (look how much I do for you, why can't you be grateful, etc). He followed the taxi in his car, and then confronted her at the station, shouting and screaming with her in front of all the other travellers. On another occasion, she was in her bedsit and he was on the phone at about midnight dragging out yet another discussion on the relationship (she had work the next morning). She told him she did not wish to continue the conversation and switched her phone off. At 1 am, he was outside her house throwing stones up at her window and begging her to come down and talk to him, having driven 40 miles through the night to be there. It's got to the stage where she has asked me not to phone her while she is staying in B, because she won't be able to speak freely and it will cause more problems for her with the BF. She has missed time off work beaause of it all, and I suspect she has been back to the doctor for more pills to cope.

I'm wondering what is the best course of action for me. My little girl seems to be being manipulated and guilt-tripped into continuing a relationship that is making her miserable and depressed. Im aching for her. The BF's behaviour is getting more bizarre and worrying. I don't want to over-dramatise, but a lot of the tragic things you read about in the news seem to start with jealous boyfriends and obsessive, controlling behaviour. My ex would like me to go to his place and 'have a word', but that isn't my style, and may make things worse for D2 rather than better. I'm tempted to go to the police in B, not to start any action, but just to make them aware that I am concerned for her welfare and perhaps to ensure that, if anything were to kick off, they might not ignore it as a 'domestic'. I want to support her and help her to make the right decision (and we all agree, including her, that it can't go on), and to deal with the consequences of whatever she decides to do. But to be honest I have no idea where to start. And I have an awful feeling at the back of my mind that it may get very much worse, very quickly.

Sorry for the long post. Written in one go as I wanted to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading.

Domestic abuse doesn't need to be physical. The red flag list that another poster put a link to shows this. You have already mentioned a number of points on the list for things he is doing.


The trouble with people involved in domestic situations is that they don't always know or want to acknowledge it. Many will makes excuses for the other person - he/she is really sorry after it, it was my fault, I haven't been spending enough time with him/her.


Someone driving 40 miles to stalk another or threatening suicide should have alarm bells ringing. It really depends on your daughters feeling on it though. Does she want to actually be with him or is she just scared that he may do something to harm himself (or her).


Being with someone just because you are scared they will self harm is not a base for a healthy normal relationship. For the vast majority of these threats, the person will not attempt suicide. They may make half hearted attempts and contact people to tell them, however this is part of the attention and when you respond they know they have got a hook. People who genuinely want to commit suicide are more likely just do it and leave a note.


I think you, your ex or both of you need to sit down and have chat with her. If she isn't going to change her mind then you can't force her however the fact that she has been able to move away from him is a good sign for her as her leaving is a very good sign that he hasn't got a full hold on her. If she does want to split up then if he turns up at all hours of the day then she needs to be reporting it to the police. It may be enough to convince him to stop but if not then he could be charged with stalking and receive bail conditions not to approach or contact her.

Beckyy

Could your ex, and other daughter help you to help her sister (if they're both aware)? I think you need to tred carefully as the last thing you want it to 'lose' her to his manipulation.

Could she stay with you for a while or could you help her to find somewhere else to live so and get her a new phone providing she's willing to.

pollypenny

I come back to what I said before: as she had told you all this, she clearly wants your help.

I would tell his parents what's going on. Be interesting to hear what he had told them.

Work out an exit strategy with your daughter, whether it's for future reference or immediate action.

Mojisola

paulineb wrote: »

I wouldnt be saying I wanted to see the pair of them regularly if she continues the relationship. Hes abusing her, this is abuse, its also borderline stalking, it actually sounds like more than borderline.

BugglyB wrote: »

The advice comes from years of having counselled DV victims and listening to them have to choose between their families and their partners, because their families have (quite understandably) said 'hes not welcome in this house' or 'if you carry on with him we dont ever want to see him.

Abusers are quick to turn it into a 'them or me' scenario and the alst thing you want to do as a family member is encourage this.

Getting away may 'need to be her priority' but OP can't change her priorities, only she can do that. He can help, but help needs to be constructive and not dictated.

The problem is that abusers are very manipulative people. If Byzantium welcomes this man into his home or socialises with them, the abuser can say "Well, your Dad doesn't think there's much wrong with me because he asked us both round to his place last week. He wouldn't do that if he thought I was treating you badly".

Stephb1986_2

Your daughter must of told you all this because she is worried and is asking for help without actually saying Dad I need help. What you do to help her I'm not sure of but what ever you do it needs to be soon before things get worse.

She needs to start looking for somewhere else to live, look at changing her number. She needs to disappear from this guys life sooner rather than later.

Good luck keep us updated