Daughter's boyfriend, worrying behaviour

Watto30

To the op, so sorry to hear of what your Daughter is currently going through and for you as a parent I can only imagine the amount of worry you must have sitting on your shoulders right now.

I think as someone else said that this is a bit of a cry for help from your Daughter in a roundabout way, she may be too frightened and too embarrassed to directly ask for help, the fact she has recognised it is not a healthy relationship and it cannot continue and took steps to move out of his place is a good sign, however please be prepared for this to take time and for her to truly recognise she has to get away from him for good and cut the contact, sometimes easier said than done.


Please tread carefully with this, I know others have suggested talking to his parents due to the suicide threats but am pretty sure if the boyfriend caught wind of it even if his parents mentioned that you had been in touch without disclosing why this might make things ten times worse, he sounds unstable and no one can predict how he may react to you getting involved or "interfering" in his eyes. The thing with these types of abusers is that its all about isolation and control and from the sounds of it he is doing his best to stop your Daughter having contact with her Sister and with you, I went through a similar relationship aged 20 and he didnt directly say I could not speak to family and friends but used to create merry hell and give me hours of rows if anyone ever texted or called me and my attention was diverted from him for two seconds!! I desperately wanted to leave him but didnt have the money, strength etc and to be truthful was pretty much brainwashed by him, I was terrified of him and what he would do if I left him and he found me, my family were worried sick but I didnt tell them the half of went on for a number of reasons, mainly because I was embarrassed and frightened and the other one was that if I had I know my Dad or brother would have been round like a shot to have words, and deep down I knew it and was worried what he would do to them or to me because of it.


The police may be a good start even if they cannot currently do anything at least they will be aware of it, have not used them myself but womens aid are very good and would be the best place to contact for advice


I hope things can get sorted quickly and that you Daughter will be ok

RAS

OP

The law changed very recently so that women can find out if their partner has previous form http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-26488011

You might want to suggest that your daughter ask that question?

rosie_78

Your post sent a chill right through me.

It's how the "early" days of my relationship were. Maybe four years ago?

It progressively got a lot worse.

I really don't want to scare you but your daughter needs to get out.

I lived through my biological dad being violent to my mum. He nearly killed me and my sister.

He raped mum too - I was the result of one such occaision.

I have no self esteem after my relationship at all. I'm trying to build myself back up slowly.

Physically, I'm a wreck. Emotionally, I'm on anti depressants, anxiety meds, sleeping meds and addicted to OTC painkillers.

I am covered in scars both self inflicted and given to me.

Please please let your daughter know that yes it's hard. But it CAN BE DONE. she needs to get out now before it's too bad.

My EX BOYFRIEND tried the same with me yesterday "I'm going to kill myself".

I told him fine ... crack on.

Please tell her to contact Women's aid / CAB / anyone.

For me? Police are my next step to report sex without consent. Not that I expect anything to happen about it, but I feel I need to so I can move on?

I do hope things work out for her.

Maybe you could see if she wants to come on here. I'm more than happy to talk to her in private message about how to get out of this if she wants / needs it.

Good luck xx xx xx

Byzantium14

I am overwhelmed with the support here - thank you to everyone who took the time to post. I can't answer all the points in one go, as too many issues have been raised. I will put something together later on. (By the way, I work nights and 5-6 am is a quiet time in the fun factory, hence the early morning posting - it's not insomnia, very much the opposite!).

Byzantium14

I can see that some people replying here are quite alarmed at what I described. I don't think it is as bad as that, although I am glad to have my worries confirmed. I have never encountered anything like this before and had no idea whether I was over-reacting or not. Now I am sure that I was not.

I saw a lot of the girls when they were younger, but now they have busy lives and I see less of them. I've met the BF a few times and he seems a really nice lad and there's no sign of any instability that I could see. He and D2 were at school together and met up when they were both working away, quite by coincidence, so I don't think there was anything meaningful in the fact that they got together. From D2's description, he sounds more weak and needy than aggressive and violent, but weak people can be the most determined manipulators of other people's emotions. He seems to be very demanding of D2's time and attention, in a way that is not normal or healthy. The shouting in public and late-night missions are just a sign to me that he is a bit unbalanced and immature. However, I see the news, and I can think of several awful cases which started with a jealous and/or rejected boyfriend. My daughter is very slight, and although BF is no Charles Atlas (I am twice his size), if things got violent I doubt if she could put up much of a defence.

One problem is that of geography. I live about 160 miles away in one direction, and their Mum lives about the same in the opposite direction. So there is no opportunity for just popping in to see them, and equally no chance to take D2 under my wing for a while without her giving up her job. But she has a place of her own (a room in a house with others) and the lady who owns the house seems very capable and grounded, and is aware of the situation, so as far as her place is concerned I think she is safe.

D2 is a very bright girl, but lacks confidence. She will happily talk about the situation (at least she will now that I know about it - it took a phone call from her Mum to alert me to it all) but is very vague about what she is going to do. I am absolutely firm that I will not try to coerce her into doing anything, because she would just clam up and I would have no further say in the matter. I want to give her the guidance and support she needs, without making up her mind for her, if that makes sense. Mum, sister, landlady, me and D2 herself all know that it can't go on and that a clean break is probably in everyone's best interests, but she seems unwilling to make the decision. Left to her own devices, she will still be living like this in five years' time. All I have been able to get across to her is that if she feels in any danger at any time, not to hesitate in calling the police.

D2 and I have some time off work booked for next month, and we had planned to go off together as we did a couple of years ago. Then D1 revealed that she had the same week off, so it looks like we will be going off as a threesome. As their Dad, I am delighted with this, and I reckon we can have some proper conversations and good times when we are away. We don't know where we are going yet, but probably France or the Alps.

In the meantime, I am going to see if I can talk to a local branch of Women's Aid or similar, and definitely pass on to her some of the resources mentioned above. Thanks to everyone here for the ideas and opinions and support.

Byzantium14

claire16c wrote: »

Print this off and show it to your daughter. Her boyfriend is clearly displaying some of these signs including the suicide thing (link removed)

Thank you so much for this. I am going to send her the link tonight.

Thankfully, most of the things on that list aren't happening (as far as I am aware), but there are a number of direct hits also, and she will see that.

Corelli

Hi Byzantium

Just wanted to wish you and your daughter well. I didn't post as my experience was with a much younger daughter living with me and having a relationship with a young man who clearly had some sort of diagnosable issue who was not good for her at all.

She came through it and is now a strong capable and independent adult. With the support you describe, and the advice given on here I have faith that your daughter will come through too.

Just one thing, and I know other posters have said this too. It is easier from the outside to see a relationship is unhealthy but it is important not to alienate the person you want to support.

My line with my daughter was not to critiscise the lad she was so wrapped up with but to state my concerns for her, to support her being with other friends who were also supportive and doubtful of the relationship, making sure we had time together away from the BF. Again with no critical words from me about him. Well, after I learnt the hard way that she would always defend him if he was criticised.

Have a good time with your daughters.

Prothet_of_Doom

I posted in another thread, "this bloke makes me look like god'd gift to women"

Ditto.

My reaction to my daughter being treated like this would end in prison. So I can not be constructive.

Indie_Kid

You say she lives in a shared house and that the landlady is aware - are the other people that live there aware of the situation?

I think you and D2 should go to the police - even if it's just for a chat and not wanting them to actually do anything with him.

Byzantium14

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

My reaction to my daughter being treated like this would end in prison. So I can not be constructive.

My instinct is to go round there and punch his lights out, but that's not the way I am going. As I said above, I am twice his size and I could truly frighten him, but what good would it do? He needs to hear from her that it is over. Anything else he could construe as her being bullied and coerced into dumping him, and he would try even harder to get her back.

Others have said not to alienate her, and I am very aware of this. Other friends of hers have been very firm that she must leave him, and she has ended up lying to them and saying she isn't seeing him, just to keep them quiet. At the moment D1 and I are getting a striaght story from her, and I don't want to risk changing that. So it's softly-softly for the time being.

Indie_Kid wrote: »

You say she lives in a shared house and that the landlady is aware - are the other people that live there aware of the situation?

I think you and D2 should go to the police - even if it's just for a chat and not wanting them to actually do anything with him.

I'm fairly sure she is aware, although I have only met her briefly (last weekend) and there wasn't the opportunity for a talk about it. I am reassured that she is the kind of person who wouldn't hesitate to act if anything happened, like the BF turning up in the middle of the night. She seems pretty feisty.

I have decided not to go to the police just yet. But I won't hesitate if I get the slightest inkling that things are turning ugly.

Thank you all again for your ideas and support.