Daughter's boyfriend, worrying behaviour

Byzantium14

Maz, that must be very frustrating and worrying. It seems love does strange things.

My daughter (D2) was very strong-willed as a child. She wouldn't put up with anything she didn't want to do, and even my best efforts at Dad Rage had absolutely zero effect. Fortunately, she was always amenable to reason and persuasion, and it wasn't a problem. It astounds me that she didn't kick this guy into touch when it all started. I think it's a combination of habit, and being too kind-hearted (or not tough enough) to make the hard decisions.

Byzantium14

poet123 wrote: »

Good luck OP, it is hard being a parent of adults, sometimes it brings even bigger challenges than when they were young.

Thanks Someone said to me long ago that, as the kids get older, the problems get fewer but bigger. True.

You are dead right about the 'lightbulb moment'. The rest of us can say what we like (and that's me, her Mum, her sister, and all her friends), but until the realises in herself what she needs to do, we can only listen, advise and support.

Like you, I haven't said a word against the BF, for fear that it will make her want to defend him and make things even harder to untabgle. I haven't even told her what I would do if he were to lay a finger on her, in case she starts not telling me things for fear of what I would do. But believe me, if he touches her he's going to regret it.

System

I really feel for you

I was in a bad relationship (though I think I hid most of it from my parents). There were times though when I was a state and they had to pick up the pieces. But they never said anything bad about him. In all honesty I wouldn't have listened even if they had. It must be incredibly hard to watch and see your daughter like this, but hopefully as others have said her lightbulb moment will come. Mine did evetually and I am a million times happier for it, but it took a lot of heartache to get there.

Please continue to be there for her, and hopefully she will find the strength to do the right thing, and when she does you'll be there.

Byzantium14

Things have moved on (slightly) and I thought I would post an update.

We were a couple of days away from going on holiday together when their grandfather (my ex-FiL) had a massive stroke. D1 flew back from Germany and D2 caught the train up to be with him. Sadly, he died a few days later. By then, we had cancelled the trip, so I used up my leave from work by travelling up there and being a helping hand for a few days. Mended a lot of bridges.

D2 was shattered after spending several nights sleeping in a chair in the hospital, so when she had had enough I offered to drive her home (about 4 hours in the car). She slept for most of the journey, but we did get the chance for a decent chat. I am a lot happier about her situation now. Her take on the situation is that he is very insecure, and she admits to being a bit undemonstrative with him, which leads him to be clingy and possessive. It seems he hasn't pulled any stunts like the ones I described for quite a while, and she seems happy to keep the relationship going for the time being (I don't think she really knows her own feelings in the matter, to be honest). I asked her directly, and she was adamant that he had never shown her any physical violence, and "I would have been straight out of there if he had".

So, all calm for the moment, although I will be keeping an eye on things from afar, and if she needs any further help I am ready to jump in.

I probably won't update this thread any more, unless there is something to report, but I thank most sincerely everyone who took the time to respond. You have been a great help in sorting out my own feelings, and a source of moral support. If I could buy you all a drink, I would.

paulineb_2

I hope that things work out positively.

Byzantium14

Thank you, Paulineb. I'm seeing them all tomorrow for the funeral, and I will have a discreet word with her. I get the feeling that there is no crisis as such, but that the relationship isn't destined to last long. But only D2 can decide that now. She knows I am there to help, which is about the best I can do, now that punching his lights out seems to be off the cards

marisco_2

Sorry to hear of the recent loss in your family. I am glad that things have settled down in your daughters life, and that the worry you had for her has eased somewhat. You come across as a great dad, grounded and level headed and I am sure you are a great support to your daughters.

Byzantium14

I thought I would make just one more post to round things off.


The holiday that we planned was postponed back in April, but we rescheduled and went last week. We (me, D1 and D2) had a fantastic time and I have a lot of amazing memories. During the pick-up/drop-off stages (guess who did all the driving) I had a chance for a couple of long chats with D2. She has given up her single room near her work and moved back in with the boyfriend. She has persuaded him to go to counselling, where low self-esteem seems to be the major issue, and says he is much better now. This is ongoing, but very promising.


I asked her about the violence she had hinted at, and her words were "other way round - he is far more at risk of that than I am!" Taking at all together, it sounds as though his bizarre behaviour was the result of an inability to relax and trust the relationship, and desperation that she might leave him. Now he is getting help with all that, she feels that things are working out. And, as I said right at the beginning, he seems a nice lad to me, so perhaps my instincts were right all along.


As a Dad, I am going to have to trust that she knows her own mind and is happy with the situation. Although I will of course keep my eyes peeled for any signs that things are not well, I am happy to put this one to bed for now and move on.


This thread has been an education. Thank you all.

19lottie82

I hope it all works out ok for your daughter in the long run OP, and that her partner follows through with the counselling. Good to know she has a loving father looking out for her.

terra_ferma

I don't want to get you worried again, and also only you can judge the situation. However denial is typical in many cases of domestic violence, that in isolation doesn't mean much, it's more about looking at signs.
Even when the signs are obvious I've seen women making up that they had accidents, including a car accident when things were quite bad.
Not saying you are wrong, just sharing information

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/abuse/Pages/signs-domestic-violence.aspx
http://refuge.org.uk/what-we-do/campaigns/early-warning-signs/