Daughter's boyfriend, worrying behaviour

globetraveller

And find out from daughter his parents address or phone number . They need to know their son is suicidal. If they dont believe it at least you have told them.

duchy

There is no point in insisting she "gets away from him" until she is ready.
The fact she is still tolerating his odd to say the least behaviour and still considers herself in a relationship with him says she's not yet had her lightbulb moment ( but the fact she's talking to you and her Mum about it says she's getting closer).

She may resist Women's Aid because she doesn't see it as domestic abuse (although it is-screaming at someone in public is a prime example) but if you push too hard she may stop sharing with you.

Have you asked her what she wants, and where she's sees herself in six months time, a year, five years ? Would she consider counseling ...and would the family be prepared to pay for it ? If she's going to have it to examine where her life in general is going rather than making it all about the boyfriend-she might be more open to it.

You can only go to the police if she wants you to.....If she's not prepared to follow through and press charges it's pointless and may actually put her more at risk .

Ultimately she's an adult and you can offer her options as well as support but only she can decide what steps to take......no matter how frustrating that is.

paddy's_mum

carefullycautious wrote: »

Please don't underestimate the severity of this.

This^^^^^

She may be "a grown woman" but she may well need to be frightened into realising the potential for disaster inherent in this situation.

In your shoes, with or without her consent, I'd be begging the Police to come and talk to her before she winds up dead in a ditch somewhere.

Globetraveller - I agree with your point but I'd bet money that he is not on good terms with his family due to his previous unstable/unpleasant/threatening conduct. Such behaviour rarely comes out of nowhere...

pogofish

Yup - Womens Aid are usually excellent in these situations, for both advice and practical help.

Similarly, most police forces now have specialist officers trained in dealing with these situations and usually work to try and resolve matters before they escalate into full-on domestics. Some councils may also run similar projects but that can be more patchy.

One thing, she does need to make a firm decision and set clear and unshakable boundaries about how she deals with the guy, even if it is action short of leaving him. Which would be the best option IMO but she may not be quite in that place yet.

pollypenny

As she has told you everything she is clearly unhappy and wanting to get out, but she's fallen for his suicide threat.

She needs to get out now! Posters have mentioned Womens Aid and the police. I'd be on to them this morning.

This guy is dangerous!

FatVonD

I think you need to talk to her and ask the question that, if you could wave a magic wand and make it all go away, would she like that. I think she probably wants out but doesn't want to deal with the consequences and it's easier to stay and put it off to another day.

If that is what she wants then you need to tell her that you CAN make it as hassle-free as possible for her (even if that falls short of a magic wand.) Draw up a plan of action that starts with calling his parents and telling them about the suicide threats and that the relationship is over.

Talk to the Police and explain the situation, be ready for them to speak to him about harrassment if and when it happens. If she has to move house so he doesn't know where she lives so be it. Maybe think about a panic button (if the Police won't fit one then have one fitted privately.)

Could you/she afford to take a couple of weeks holiday somewhere where she doesn't have to deal with the immediate fallout and can come back when the worst is over?

Good luck, it must be very worrying.

Slinky

Wasn't there something all over the news a couple of weeks ago about people being able to check with the police to find out if a partner has a history of DV or abuse? Could be worth getting her to check and see if they have info which is cause for concern.

building_with_lego

It's called Clare's Law. According to the BBC it was expected to roll out in March; whether it has yet I don't know.

Mojisola

In addition to the good advice above, I would speak to her local police's Domestic Violence Unit. Even if she's not ready to talk to them, they should be able to give you advice.

BugglyB

I would just urge caution to you.

In these circumstances I wouldn’t be surprised if your daughters BF has already started with her on ‘your dad doesn’t like me, he’s never liked me, don’t listen to him’ etc.

The police won’t do or log anything at the address or against his name unless it is your daughter that contacts them, so at best it will be a waste of time and at worst you may well just inflame matters by approaching them.

Your daughter is not a little girl, shes a woman. If I was you I would sit with her and start by saying ‘I liked x when you got together, I still like him, I just think he has some issues and maybe the relationship is not healthy for you at the moment’ – reassure her, let her know that you love her, and you are there for her, and offer her any financial or practical help that you can offer, give her the number for womens aid etc. Crucially let her know that you respect her if she continues the relationship and you still want to see him and her regularly.

Text her regularly, not ‘are you ok whats going on’ but breezy updates about your day and general chit chat. Assert your presence without being domineering – stay beyond reproach!