Daughter's boyfriend, worrying behaviour

RedBern

globetraveller wrote: »

And find out from daughter his parents address or phone number . They need to know their son is suicidal. If they dont believe it at least you have told them.

A friend's son broke with his manipulative ex several times and she always threatened to harm herself. After the latest in a long series of break ups she visited his house one night. He offered to walk her home (it was late) and she refused, so he asked her to ring when she got home to let him know she was safe. She didn't. So, he waited 40 minutes or so and rang the police. He said he was worried as it was only a 10 minute walk, she wasn't answering her mobile and he couldn't get hold of her. The police visited her house and woke her up and gave her a talking to for wasting their time. She didn't do it again.

tayforth

OP - this is extremely worrying behaviour. Please contact this man's family and tell them that he is suicidal. Your daughter is at risk. IMHO, softly-softly will not work. She's told you about it, knowing that you love her and would not want to see her treated like this.

rosie_78 wrote: »

Your post sent a chill right through me.

It's how the "early" days of my relationship were. Maybe four years ago?

It progressively got a lot worse.

I really don't want to scare you but your daughter needs to get out.

I lived through my biological dad being violent to my mum. He nearly killed me and my sister.

He raped mum too - I was the result of one such occaision.

I have no self esteem after my relationship at all. I'm trying to build myself back up slowly.

Physically, I'm a wreck. Emotionally, I'm on anti depressants, anxiety meds, sleeping meds and addicted to OTC painkillers.

I am covered in scars both self inflicted and given to me.

Please please let your daughter know that yes it's hard. But it CAN BE DONE. she needs to get out now before it's too bad.

My EX BOYFRIEND tried the same with me yesterday "I'm going to kill myself".

I told him fine ... crack on.

Please tell her to contact Women's aid / CAB / anyone.

For me? Police are my next step to report sex without consent. Not that I expect anything to happen about it, but I feel I need to so I can move on?

I do hope things work out for her.

Maybe you could see if she wants to come on here. I'm more than happy to talk to her in private message about how to get out of this if she wants / needs it.

Good luck xx xx xx

Rosie, as you know I am following your thread. This is a truly courageous and inspiring post. I's very touching that you have reached out to help someone else even at this difficult time in your own life xxxx

paddy's_mum

Byzantium14 wrote: »

I have decided not to go to the police just yet. But I won't hesitate if I get the slightest inkling that things are turning ugly.

'things' already are.

80 texts in one evening; pursuing her taxi; screaming insults and reproof at her in public; turning up at her home and throwing stones at her window, her lying to conceal .... etc

Is there any reason why you can't approach the police very much in the vein of "I would appreciate your advice..."?

I'm in total agreement with carefullycautious (post number 11) who said "don't underestimate this" and I also firmly believe that forewarned is forearmed.

Good luck.

claire16c

I don't think the op needs to be warning the mans family he's suicidal. It's most likely an empty threat and it's a classic form of abuse to keep the victim in a relationship that's why it's on the red flag list. It would only encourage him to keep saying it if he thinks people believe him.

This guy is not the OPs problem to be worrying about in that sense anyway. She has her daughter to worry about!

jellyhead

pollypenny wrote: »

I come back to what I said before: as she had told you all this, she clearly wants your help.

I would tell his parents what's going on. Be interesting to hear what he had told them.

Work out an exit strategy with your daughter, whether it's for future reference or immediate action.

Agree with the exit strategy.

If she's not ready to leave just yet, then make sure she knows that she is welcome at your place any time, and that you will keep her safe and not let him in.

When I was in this sort of situation, and he'd already made me quit work, etc. my mum just appeared on the doorstep and said she wanted me home just for one night because she hadn't seen me for ages - he couldn't argue in front of her, not like he'd have done if we were in private, and I never went back to him. My parents answered the phone and the door and would not let him talk to me during that one night, but they said it was my decision whether I wanted to go back to him or not after that one night. After seeing what life could be like, that I could go to college and work without him yelling at me for hours, I had my lightbulb moment. But I was only 18 and hadn't long left home.

Maybe this time away with your daughters will give your daughter breathing space and she will see how bad this relationship has got.

tayforth

claire16c wrote: »

I don't think the op needs to be warning the mans family he's suicidal. It's most likely an empty threat and it's a classic form of abuse to keep the victim in a relationship that's why it's on the red flag list. It would only encourage him to keep saying it if he thinks people believe him.

This guy is not the OPs problem to be worrying about in that sense anyway. She has her daughter to worry about!

The OP is a man.

And I do rather think that his family needs to be told.

But above all, I think that this girl needs to get away from this man, by any means necessary. When I was in an abusive relationship, I told nobody. I only spoke up when I was at rock bottom, and even then it was to strangers on MSE. Because I knew that my family and friends would urge me to leave, and I wasn't strong enough yet.

This girl has told her dad what's going on. That's a huge flag. She knows that this relationship isn't right. Softly-softly is NOT what's needed here; it may make her think that what's going on is normal and even condoned by her own family!

claire16c

I'm just not sure what the advantages of telling them would be.

If he found out what if it made him get really angry she had been telling her family that? What might he do then?

Surely it's better to get her out safely without potentially causing him to go mad at her.

And then after that he's not her problem anymore.

fivetide

Byzantium14 wrote: »

My instinct is to go round there and punch his lights out, but that's not the way I am going. As I said above, I am twice his size and I could truly frighten him, but what good would it do? He needs to hear from her that it is over. Anything else he could construe as her being bullied and coerced into dumping him, and he would try even harder to get her back.
.

I think I'd be doing the same to be honest!

One good thing is she has moved away. I reckon she knows how bad this guy is, he's lost her already and the theatrics are simply to try and hang on to her.

I would be less worried about forcing them back together based on the fact she has moved out.

Sods law though, you'll be the one infront of the cops after telling him to stay away and he'll get to carry on with his abuse.

Byzantium14

My daughter is fairly perceptive, and she is of the view that the suicide threats are completely manufactured. He told her that one weekend when she was away with big sister he spent the whole time lying in the dark with no food and taking masses of pills. She later found out (how, I don't know) that he spent the time watching football with a takeaway, and that the 'masses of pills' was three paracetamol. I don't think that suicide is anything more than a remote possibility on his part - what concerns me is that he is using the threat of it to manipulate her. She's a soft old thing, and he knows it. So I don't plan to alert his parents just yet.

As to moving out - well, that's slightly the issue. She has her own place (the room with the landlady and other tenants), so she has somewhere to go, and she lives there most of the week. But she still goes back to him at weekends, as far as I can see. And while she does, he thinks it is worth trying to control her. My preferred solution is that she moves to the new house permanently, and tells him very clearly that they are no longer together, and then just sticks to it long enough (blocks his calls, etc) for him to accept it is over. But I can't impose that - I can only advise and support. Interestingly, I have found that his previous girlfriend walked out on him, but she did so when he was out - waited for him to leave the flat, and then packed everything and disappeared. Apparently she couldn't face telling him directly either.

And last of all, yes I am her Dad. I'm very blessed with two fabulous daughters, and I'm hoping that a few days away together will help us to bring this affair closer to a conclusion. We have all decided we are going to climb an Alp.

Pace Tayforth's comment: yes, I am aware that some people commenting here are going through (or have gone through) very bad times themselves, and I am humbled by their support. Tayforth, I wept and then cheered at your big thread all the way.

Thank you all.

*max*

OP, you are everything a father should be, and I wish you and your daughter all the best. You sound wonderful, and I hope she realises some day just how lucky she is.