Daughter's boyfriend, worrying behaviour

olibrofiz

OP your first post made me feel uneasy. The behaviour you described is so similar to my DD's ex in many ways - the controlling, shouting in public, suicide threats etc, etc. Awful, awful to deal with, and when they do break up it won't be nice.


My heart goes out to your DD. Take care, she'll need you x

tayforth

Byzantium14 wrote: »

My daughter is fairly perceptive, and she is of the view that the suicide threats are completely manufactured. He told her that one weekend when she was away with big sister he spent the whole time lying in the dark with no food and taking masses of pills. She later found out (how, I don't know) that he spent the time watching football with a takeaway, and that the 'masses of pills' was three paracetamol. I don't think that suicide is anything more than a remote possibility on his part - what concerns me is that he is using the threat of it to manipulate her. She's a soft old thing, and he knows it. So I don't plan to alert his parents just yet.

As to moving out - well, that's slightly the issue. She has her own place (the room with the landlady and other tenants), so she has somewhere to go, and she lives there most of the week. But she still goes back to him at weekends, as far as I can see. And while she does, he thinks it is worth trying to control her. My preferred solution is that she moves to the new house permanently, and tells him very clearly that they are no longer together, and then just sticks to it long enough (blocks his calls, etc) for him to accept it is over. But I can't impose that - I can only advise and support. Interestingly, I have found that his previous girlfriend walked out on him, but she did so when he was out - waited for him to leave the flat, and then packed everything and disappeared. Apparently she couldn't face telling him directly either.

And last of all, yes I am her Dad. I'm very blessed with two fabulous daughters, and I'm hoping that a few days away together will help us to bring this affair closer to a conclusion. We have all decided we are going to climb an Alp.

Pace Tayforth's comment: yes, I am aware that some people commenting here are going through (or have gone through) very bad times themselves, and I am humbled by their support. Tayforth, I wept and then cheered at your big thread all the way.

Thank you all.

Aww, thank you so much for your kind words

I really hope that a few days away with you and her sister will help your daughter get some perspective on this situation. I always find my mind refreshed when I go to a new place! Please do come back and keep us updated. Best of luck xx

Pinzy

I think you're right with the softly-softly; at the moment a hard stand would potentially make her clam up. It sounds like you've got a great relationship with your daughters. Of course the BF doesn't want her seeing her family - he recognises a close unit, and is worried that they may "turn her against him", then he'll be on his own. You've done very well in getting to the point where she feels she can open up. And although you've probably thought of this on your own - when you are all away together, don't ask her straight away, let her come out with it in her own time. If she gets upset she'll probably worry that she's spoiled the holiday! Just reassure her that the time together is the most important thing to you.

Clearly he has psychological issues, but that isn't for your daughter to solve. She can't be his saviour. Things won't get better (see his previous relationship history), and the question for her is - how many years is she planning to spend being unhappy? There are better relationships than this.

I'm sure he was fabulous initially (and obviously he's going to put on a show of being a great guy to you), but it takes time for someone's true colours to show. It's a gradual process of more and more abuse - be it emotionally or physically.

Her previous depression means she's likely susceptible to lack of confidence. It may not be obvious - often the most bubbly person at the party is the one with the biggest confidence issues. That self-doubt can be very damaging to any ideas that she'll be ok on her own.

Just let her know that you'll never judge her for what she's doing, but you want to help her get out when she does get out.
Though you all live miles away, if she was willing to change her job and move closer to you, would you be able to take her in? At the moment the BF knows where she lives, works etc., and this can help reinforce the thought that she won't be able to escape him, so there's not much point in trying.

Emotional abuse is very severe. He's messing with your daughter's mind. Already, it will take her a long time to be free of him in her head. The earlier she can start that process, the better.

Byzantium14

Thank you all for your kind words and support.

I had a long chat with their Mum over the weekend (which was nice, as it's usually brief and businesslike), and I think we are all on the same page. I haven't spoken to D2 since I saw her, but we have exchanged a few emails and she seems in good spirits - arranging a holiday is always nice Elder sister has her finger on the pulse and is both hugely sensible and respected by D2, which is a big bonus for me.

I have learned a little more. Apparently the bf's mother has mental health issues and he has always been prone to slightly odd behaviour. I wonder (but don't know) if D2 was trying to 'mend' him at some point. She's very soft-hearted and kind, and having been in a few dark places herself she might have seen him as a mission. However, there have been no dramatic developments since my last post, which is a relief.

In one message, she said it felt like being in quicksand, and that she just needed to energy to pull free. I can completely understand how she is feeling (been there, etc) and she knows that we are all on her side. Holiday plans are now firmed up, however. D1 is out of the country the week before, and is making some epic trans-European journey to meet us near our Alp. This leaves D2 and me with two full days travelling together, when I am hoping we can get to the bottom of things and find her an exit strategy.

Me, I am like a dog with two tails. I can't wait.

Thank you all again.

Byzantium14

claire16c wrote: »

Print this off and show it to your daughter. Her boyfriend is clearly displaying some of these signs including the suicide thing <link removed>

Just to add: I sent this link to her. Her response was "thanks, I have seen a lot of things like this ..." She's obviously been doing her homework independent of the rest of us, which shows that she is taking it seriously. Thank you, Claire16c.

On the other hand, reading that list made me realise a few things about a relationship I used to be in ...

claire16c

Byzantium14 wrote: »

Just to add: I sent this link to her. Her response was "thanks, I have seen a lot of things like this ..." She's obviously been doing her homework independent of the rest of us, which shows that she is taking it seriously. Thank you, Claire16c.

On the other hand, reading that list made me realise a few things about a relationship I used to be in ...

It's good she's doing that so she realises his behaviour is not normal as he's obviously going to want her to think it is, Glad she seems to be seeing this.

tayforth

I'm very glad to hear all of this. Looking forward to further updates.

Byzantium14

I think, if I could get inside her head, she would say: I know this relationship is bad for me, I know that I am being manipulated, I know I am better off out. But I can't find a way to leave. I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to bring a big drama down on my head. How can I get the courage and will to do what I know I have to do?

Helping her find that is going to be my focus over the next few weeks. Actually, one thing occurred to me today, which I wish I had said to her when we were together - the one thing that could turn an unpleasant and difficult situation into a total disaster: don't get pregnant! I assume when she goes back to his flat for the weekends that they are still sleeping together (she would have said if they weren't, I'm sure), and in the middle of rows and making-up, who knows what might happen?

I will keep coming back here and if there's anything significant I will post an update. But I think the next stage will be in a couple of weeks, when we both have time off work and will be travelling together.

I just want to thank every single person who has contributed to this thread. I haven't agreed with everything I have read, but every comment has made me think and helped me towards finding what I need to do. You're all brilliant.

Maz

My eldest daughteer is in a similar situation. Her bf sort of slid into her life nearly 4 years ago and it was only fairly recently that my daughter has confided in me about his behaviour. She has also had the screaming abuse in public, alienation from friends and family etc. His latest ruse was to tell her to drop a day at work as he didn't want her meeting new people, so she did just that! He told her he would make up the shortfall in her income so she is now partially dependent on him financially.

My daughter is extremely intelligent and a very gifted artist, I cannot comprehend why she stays with this specimen. Or why she continues to give in to his unreasonable demands. She has two teenage boys who completely despise him.

I've run out of things to say to her tbh.

poet123

One of my sons had a GF who behaved this way. Of course there wasn't the same potential for violence but emotionally he was manipulated by this girl until he was at his wits end. We had to play the waiting game and let him come to the realisation that her behaviour was not something anyone would want to, or have to, live with. A lot of his friends were more direct and told him how much they disliked her, but until he had his "lightbulb moment" it made no difference. He got up one morning and simply realised how unhappy she was making him and that was it. They have been apart for over 12 months now and he is happier than he has ever been. We have deliberately never said a word against her.

Good luck OP, it is hard being a parent of adults, sometimes it brings even bigger challenges than when they were young.