Daughter's boyfriend, worrying behaviour

Byzantium14

Regular poster, new anonymous account.

Looking for people's viewpoints, as I am not sure what to do. Bit of background: I have two daughters, and their Mum and I split up when they were quite young. D1 is 30, sensible and strong-minded. D2 is 26 and emotionally less robust. She's a clever girl, but unsure of herself and physically quite petite. Mum and I split when they were 3 and 7 and although I have had a good relationship with them since then, and we have never lost touch, things have always been less than ideal for obvious reasons. I don't feel I am as close to them as I should be, or want to be.

D2 had a bit of a bad year (I don't know the full details, but plenty of inappropriate behaviour, I think) and ended up being treated for depression and had counselling. I was thrilled when she got a job near to where D1 and her partner were living (call this town A), and they all got together and rented a house. It all worked really well, but last year the rental agreement ended, and at the same time D1 got a job in London, so D1 moved there. D2 had a boyfriend who has an apartment about 40 miles away in town B, and she went to live with him. I've met the lad a few times and he seemed a good sort, so I thought things were fine. She commuted the 40 miles back to her job, often using his car as he lived close enough to his work to be able to walk. This went on for about 6 months.

Then recently her Mum told me that she had moved out and was renting a room back in town A. D2 wouldn't talk to me about it over the phone, except to say that everything was OK, so last weekend I drove up and spent the weekend with her. D1 also came to stay, so we had a really pleasant time. This is the story that I get told eventually:

D2 finds the boyfriend very needy and controlling, and decided to get her own base closer to work as she desperately needed space. She finds a spare room through a friend and moves some of her stuff there. She was living in A for the week, and returning to B at weekends. Boyfriend can't understand why she isn't available for him 24/7 and does the whole crying, begging, pleading thing. In one sense he is a pathetic figure and he has told D2 that she is a heartless b!tch etc for not wanting to spend time with him, but on the other hand he resents her spending any time away with him and if she (for example) goes to see her sister in London he 'makes her pay for it' when she comes back. If she has Monday night with her sister, he says she has to spend the whole of the next weekend alone with him to 'pay him back' for her absence. She has almost cut off contact with D1 because, in her words, the hassle with BF isn't worth it. She really knows that she has to stop going back to him and cut off all contact, but she is too soft, and feels sorry for him. I think she is also afraid of what he might do.

So far, so good, and I would be all for saying they are all in their late 20s, and they should learn to sort out their own problems. But then I found out that BF has threatened suicide. Worse than that, he has started what I can only think is dangerously obsessive behaviour. She went out with her sister one night, and he sent her around 80 texts asking her what she was doing, who she was with, and why she hadn't come home. One Sunday night, she wanted to return to A for work on Monday, and said she would take a taxi to the station as she didn't want him to drive her there (look how much I do for you, why can't you be grateful, etc). He followed the taxi in his car, and then confronted her at the station, shouting and screaming with her in front of all the other travellers. On another occasion, she was in her bedsit and he was on the phone at about midnight dragging out yet another discussion on the relationship (she had work the next morning). She told him she did not wish to continue the conversation and switched her phone off. At 1 am, he was outside her house throwing stones up at her window and begging her to come down and talk to him, having driven 40 miles through the night to be there. It's got to the stage where she has asked me not to phone her while she is staying in B, because she won't be able to speak freely and it will cause more problems for her with the BF. She has missed time off work beaause of it all, and I suspect she has been back to the doctor for more pills to cope.

I'm wondering what is the best course of action for me. My little girl seems to be being manipulated and guilt-tripped into continuing a relationship that is making her miserable and depressed. Im aching for her. The BF's behaviour is getting more bizarre and worrying. I don't want to over-dramatise, but a lot of the tragic things you read about in the news seem to start with jealous boyfriends and obsessive, controlling behaviour. My ex would like me to go to his place and 'have a word', but that isn't my style, and may make things worse for D2 rather than better. I'm tempted to go to the police in B, not to start any action, but just to make them aware that I am concerned for her welfare and perhaps to ensure that, if anything were to kick off, they might not ignore it as a 'domestic'. I want to support her and help her to make the right decision (and we all agree, including her, that it can't go on), and to deal with the consequences of whatever she decides to do. But to be honest I have no idea where to start. And I have an awful feeling at the back of my mind that it may get very much worse, very quickly.

Sorry for the long post. Written in one go as I wanted to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading.

ema_o

My goodness how worrying. My first thought is that the behaviour is domestic abuse, maybe it would be worth contacting one of the helplines about it and getting some advice.
Good luck and I hope someone with a bit more knowledge can give some advice xx

marisco_2

It comes across to me that your daughter is involved with a very controlling, manipulative and unstable individual. I agree with the above poster who suggests there are elements of domestic abuse going on here. The longer she stays with this guy and treads eggshells around him, the more likely it is that his awful treatment of her will escalate. What is verbal control now could turn physical. The threat of suicide to a partner is a known indicator of someone of an abusive persuasion. Yes she is an adult but few people of any age know how to handle being in such a predicament. The best advice I can give is to recommend she calls Women's Aid and talks through everything with them. Their advisors have years of experience in supporting and guiding people who are suffering as she is. Their phone number is 0808 2000 247, www.womensaid.org.uk

DomRavioli

Hi OP,

Get your daughter out of there as soon as possible, don't wait for something to happen (it will happen if you do nothing). Sounds like the BF has some serious mental health issues (personality disorder springs to mind - I used to have one and sounds exactly the thing that would be done), might be borderline personality disorder - frantic attempts to stop abandonment (even though it isn't, that is how it is seen by the person with the illness).

If the BF doesn't get help for his blatant issues, then he will end up hurting either himself, or your daughter, or both. Ask your daughter to cut all ties until they are receiving help for the condition(s), she can even have a restraining order if he's being a complete nuisance.

To me, doesn't sound like DV, but that is just my opinion - suicidal ideation is more MH based and self inflicted rather than aiming it at others - I could be totally wrong, and thats why I have advised to get your daughter out ASAP in case there is DV. Better safe than sorry.

clarryd

Well this is every parents nightmare. A controlling, manipulative partner for their daughter or son.

Firstly speak to your daughter and ask her if he has ever laid his hands on her, or is everything verbal. Then take it from there. If he had hit or pushed her then report this piece of scum to the police straight away. If it's all controlling he is still a piece of scum but she must keep a diary (date, time and what was said) as to when the abuse is happening and what kicks it off. So if there is a need to report to the police she has back up information.

The threatening suicide is just another thing to make her feel guilty and control her because if she doesn't do what he wants then it's her fault for him thinking these thoughts.

I think this man needs a psychiatric report as he has thoughts of harming himself. This is the first thing that specialists ask when people are mentally sick and that is exactly what he is.

Get you daughter to contact (as above) the women's aid or even another organisation that deals with women's abuse.

And make sure she leaves him - she must leave him or this abuse will keep happening and may get worse. She must change her mobile number, e-mail address etc. so that he can not contact her easily.

Good luck

claire16c

Print this off and show it to your daughter. Her boyfriend is clearly displaying some of these signs including the suicide thing

http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/index.php/dating-violence/red-flags-for-abusive-relationships/

Bella73

I would echo the advice already given, you are obviously worried to be posting so early in the morning.

I would get her out of there pronto, sadly there are lots of very sick people who are allowed to wander the streets at will as their rights always seem to come first.

Get her to change her phone number as soon as possible and I know it will be a pain but I would get her to move house too as he knows where she lives. Could she stay with you or her Mum to get some breathing space?

Hope all gets sorted.

fivetide

Abuse doesn't have to be physical. Your daughter is well shot.

Get her away from him. Not sure if it is worth getting her a new phone or something? Certianly register a complaint with the police and speak to some women's charities linked to above. Chances are she doesn't even recognise this as abuse the way it has been done.

Good luck.

dandelionclock30

Yeah get her away from him and inform the police. If he starts hanging around her work etc or turning up places she is tell her to ring the police.
The problem you may have is that a lot of people wont leave their partner when they are like this, they complain etc but to and fro for ages.
She has to be ready herself like a drinker or drug user has to be ready to stop.Hope she is at that point.

Rottensocks

I think, as her parents, you *want* to do something, but tread carefully - she is still in some kiind of relationship with this guy, and your uninvited interference may inadvertently push them back together, not apart (Romeo & Juliet "they're all against us" style). I would be careful about intervening too much unless D2 asks you to.

More importnantly, why is she still in a relationship with this guy? You say that D2 has had issues of her own - presumably when they met this was the meeting of two like minds - probably both low in self esteem/confidence. If your daughter is improving over time and becoming less dependent on him , it will feel to him like he's losing his grip on her. However, your daughter can't be on top of the world right now as inexplicably, she's still seeing this guy at weekends.

I think your first port of call would be a lunch date with D2 to find out whether she even really wants to be around this guy or not. That should inform your next moves, as ultimately it is her choice to be with him.

(which doesn't make it any easier for everyone else looking on and thinking "Why?")

carefullycautious

She needs to let the police know what is happening. It is harassment and Domestic violence and will get worse.

Please don't underestimate the severity of this.