Depression Support Thread

dawnylou

Mumoftwins - citalopram.
Feelinggood - thank you for your support.

I am really upset that my doctor felt the need to prescribe me medication in the first place, and I feel like a failure as a person to even need them.
I know others take them, and this is in no way meant to offend anyone as I am not at all judgemental - but I always hoped I could pull myself through this on my own.

Tulip

:hello: Everyone,
Hope all is well,I am fine today .I am going to go for a walk along seafront later on and do some engraving art to keep me busy during the day
Have a lovely day

*hugs* Dawnylou and everyone that needs one

love and light,
Katie xxx

feelinggood_2

Just back from the doctors, I've lost another 2kg. 11kg down now, few more to go though!

Not long till the appointment, trying to view it as a positive, I'm sure externalising things will help.

JennyW_2

Hi Everyone :hello: I wonder if I could post my situation. I know there are no answers but just to feel reassured that what I feel is normal.

3 years ago I lost my father very suddenly and unexpected (I was 36). Without going into too much detail, he went in to have some cancer removed. (from the bile duct). The op was successful and he was due to return home. However there were complications and he had internal bleeding and died. As a family we suffered the middle of the night phone call and rush to hospital. Unfortunately by the time we got there it was too late He left me, 3 brothers and my mum. Dad was our world and it hit me extremely hard. I had bereavement counselling for 2.5 years and only finished in May of this year. My life has never been the same since and I feel as if it's taken a different path. I had anti-depressents initially when it happened but only for about 4/6 weeks - my doctor was very reluctant to prescribed them any longer than this and my counselling commenced 7 months after my dad's death. The early days were very dark and each day I would wake and say to myself "another day to get through". At the end of each day and at bedtime, I would say "I got through today". Anyway, life carried on as it does and each week I would go to my counselling and discuss my feelings and after each year went by, we would discuss other things because my dad's death had an enormous effect on the rest of my life.

Anyway, fast forward to now and I find I'm so scared that I'm going to lose my life suddenly as my dad did and cancer is my biggest scare. I never felt this way before but now I'm so aware of death and how easy it can happen. It makes me feel so sad because I have a good life. I have a lovely husband, a nice little job, a nice home but I feel as if this death worry, or cancer scare just sits over me and takes the edge off my happiness in life. I just don't know what to do to stop these feelings I eat as heathily as I can, exercise, don't smoke - all the things you should do to look after yourself. My counsellor would say that I'm doing everything possible and should take comfort from that but I cant. I even have my cholesterol checked every 6 months just to make sure I'm ok on the inside.

3 years on and I still cry when I think about him, I cant talk about him and cant look at his photo without making me feel so sad and what I've lost. My counsellor said that in time I will improve but no-one knows when.

I just don't know how to pick myself up. Outwardly if you saw me you'd think I was fine but inside I still hurt. It's still normal for me to cry at night if I've had a particuarly bad day thinking of him and what I've lost.

My life is now different. I react differently to things, bit panicky at times, couldn't even socialise for about 18 months after it happened but am a bit better now.
Perhaps theres a good book someone could recommend me?

THanks for any comments.

feelinggood_2

Hi JennyW.

Thanks for your post. I wish I could offer some advice, but I've not been in a situation like yours. What you've said does sound like a normal reaction to loosing someone close to you in a sudden way. Do you think that the counselling helped? Why did the counselling stop, and do you think that you'd benefit from having some more counselling?

I hope that by writing down how you feel you feel a little better. Do you have someone you are able to talk to about you Dad and how his death continues to affect you?

xx

hibees1875_2

DAWNY, if you feel AD's aren't the best way to go then (if not already done) see your GP about being referred to the practice therapist/counsellor. Pretty much all GP surgeries should have one of these, there can be waiting lists of a few weeks, but depending on your situation it can be well worth it to talk things through with someone impartial. They can look at arange of therapies with you and tackle the causes of how you feel. The AD will take 4-6 weeks to start working, first few days may seem a bit rough bu persist with them. Take medication with/just after food (always a challenge with depression!). The thing that your dr probably didnt say is that you will need to take the AD for at least 6 months after you are feeling WELL again. But if after 4-6 weeks you havent noticed any difference go back as the dosage may need to be tweaked or a different AD may be more suitable. Not all AD's work in the same way for all people. If you are on less than 20mg then chances are it may need increasing at some point in the future. But do this in conjunction with your dr.

If ever you feel that things are getting too much and that even posting on this board doesn't help adn things get desperate go back to your GP and discuss further options as you will have a CRISIS TEAM in your area that can provide home treatment and have experienced mental health workers handle your care rather than a GP who only knows a little about a lot of things. But as the name suggests, you need to be "deemed" in a crisis.

Also, try doing a search for mary ellen copeland, she is american but is very prominent in the idea of mental health recovery and self help and taking control of your life rather than illness controlling you.
Good luck and keep using the board for support x

---

Some days we are the dog, other days we are the lamppost.

dawnylou

Thanks, it is the first time I have ever agred to take ADs, I've always preferred to get through tough times myself without having to rely on drugs.

I have been referred to a counsellor - but there is a 1 year waiting list.
I am currently on 20mg - but have only had one pill so far - that was this morning.

So far everything seems ok, don't feel any different.
Still just low mood, and very tired. But don't think any side effects have come up. (I'm so paranoid, it's embarrassing!)

JennyW_2

feelinggood wrote: »

Hi JennyW.

Thanks for your post. I wish I could offer some advice, but I've not been in a situation like yours. What you've said does sound like a normal reaction to loosing someone close to you in a sudden way. Do you think that the counselling helped? Why did the counselling stop, and do you think that you'd benefit from having some more counselling?

I hope that by writing down how you feel you feel a little better. Do you have someone you are able to talk to about you Dad and how his death continues to affect you?

xx

Hi feelinggood. People have often asked me if I feel the counselling helped. It's a hard question to answer because I'll never know how I may have felt without it - if that makes sense. The counselling was via Cruse so I guess they can only help people for a certain period. That's why initially it took 7 months for me to start with them. I think that as one person ends, another starts.

CarolnMalky

Just popped in to share some hugs and fairy dust with everyone :wave:

Tiff_2

jennyw!
You're very welcome jenny - I'm sure that you've been made to feel at home already angel.

quote=JennyW
Hi Everyone :hello: I wonder if I could post my situation. I know there are no answers but just to feel reassured that what I feel is normal.
Of course you can hun - they let me on here all the time,, so you've got no problems.
I can't guarantee that we'll make you feel normal hun, as there's no such thing (I don't mean that to sound blase) - it's something we all imagine, that we try to aspire to and that we might all have different definitions of.
But maybe something here can ease your mind hunnie. I want to try anyway and give you a few Tiffy thoughts in the vague hope that they might help a little angel.

3 years ago I lost my father very suddenly and unexpected (I was 36). Without going into too much detail, he went in to have some cancer removed. (from the bile duct). The op was successful and he was due to return home. However there were complications and he had internal bleeding and died. As a family we suffered the middle of the night phone call and rush to hospital. Unfortunately by the time we got there it was too late He left me, 3 brothers and my mum. Dad was our world and it hit me extremely hard. I had bereavement counselling for 2.5 years and only finished in May of this year. My life has never been the same since and I feel as if it's taken a different path. I had anti-depressents initially when it happened but only for about 4/6 weeks - my doctor was very reluctant to prescribed them any longer than this and my counselling commenced 7 months after my dad's death. The early days were very dark and each day I would wake and say to myself "another day to get through". At the end of each day and at bedtime, I would say "I got through today". Anyway, life carried on as it does and each week I would go to my counselling and discuss my feelings and after each year went by, we would discuss other things because my dad's death had an enormous effect on the rest of my life.
I'm so sorry for your loss jenny and I can empathise with you.
I'm sorry your dad had cancer and that the surgery didn't help him in the end hunnie.
I say this a lot hun, but there's no right or wrong way to grieve. It's an unknown quantity. Some people grieve for weeks, months or years.

Sometimes the way we phrase something, can give us little bits of insight into our thoughts.
I notice that you said ''He left me, 3 brothers and my mum.''
It may sound like a really silly thing to start with jenny, but he didn't leave you. This gave a feeling of abandonment to me and implied just how lost you felt without him. And angel, I'm sure that's exactly how you felt - and feel! But your dad so obviously loved you - you know this - and the last thing he would do, is leave you.
Being the only girl, I imagine you felt that much closer to him - almost a special bond, if you will. In your last sentence you said your ''dad's death had an enormous effect on the rest of my life.'', but sweetheart, that book is not yet completely written & the story isn't over yet angel.

It was a terrible shock jenny and it must have rocked your world I know, and I don't doubt at all that it has affected your life. I'm equally sure it felt unbearable not being able to get there in time and that that thought has stayed with you. Your dad passed and suddenly your whole world changed. But hun, it would have hurt just the same way even if you had gotten to the hospital that night.
Suddenly dad's not there any more - and it hurts so much because it was an unforeseen event and you had no time to prepare yourself. Nothing makes any sense. A lot of people will be able to understand these feelings hun because they've had them too. So as far as normal goes, you're right there angel. There's never a right time to lose anyone, let alone a parent. It is a time of huge upheaval because everyone's role shifts and we have to adapt to that while grieving the one we've lost.

Obviously I don't know you hun or your family, but be sure that your dad loved you all very much and that the one thing he knew, that he could be sure of, was how very much he was loved by you. And that's a wonderful thing to have given him.

We all have different views about what happens after someone passes but the fact is, that no-one knows what does actually happen next. That can be a source of comfort sometimes angel. And although it sounds a glib answer hun, your dad would not want you to suffer like this. He'd be the first one to say that he's still with you, loves you and that he wants you to live the best life - the life he helped to create - that you can, for his sake and yours.


Anyway, fast forward to now and I find I'm so scared that I'm going to lose my life suddenly as my dad did and cancer is my biggest scare. I never felt this way before but now I'm so aware of death and how easy it can happen. It makes me feel so sad because I have a good life. I have a lovely husband, a nice little job, a nice home but I feel as if this death worry, or cancer scare just sits over me and takes the edge off my happiness in life. I just don't know what to do to stop these feelings I eat as heathily as I can, exercise, don't smoke - all the things you should do to look after yourself. My counsellor would say that I'm doing everything possible and should take comfort from that but I cant. I even have my cholesterol checked every 6 months just to make sure I'm ok on the inside.
But hun, you're not okay on the inside are you?
Your dad's passing was traumatic for you.
What you're feeling is a common reaction hun, in your situation. It says nothing about who you are, your husband and family, what you have or where you live, this is all about pain and fear.

Time is still very new since your dad passed hun. What I think hun - and tell me if I'm wrong, please - is that now you're desperately trying to look after yourself, to do anything to stop this happening to you and to stop your family from going through the same thing. You say you have a good life but angel, these thoughts are damaging the quality of it, imho. You can't go on frantically worrrying like this - you deserve better. You need support to live and enjoy your life now jenny, instead of focussing on the hopefully distant future's events.

I'm not so sure about the gp's long term reaction tbh. As time has gone on, it would have seemed that you needed more support and I feel that they could have looked into that further for you. You know the right things to say to yourself it seems jenny. Have you spoken to your gp about this angel? That may be a good thing to do - or maybe see a different gp at the practice if you'd rather. It may help to have a more specialised type of counselling? I'm not an expert or any professional hun, but your gp will know of them.

As well as what I've said, you are allowed to howl, shout and cry as much as you want and need to - that's not what needs changing. What needs to change is the fear you feel, and that can be helped hun. I think mastering deep relaxation would maybe help you jenny.

3 years on and I still cry when I think about him, I cant talk about him and cant look at his photo without making me feel so sad and what I've lost. My counsellor said that in time I will improve but no-one knows when.
This is true angel and it would be wrong to give you a time-frame. Equally, you shouldn't expect one - although we all do.

I just don't know how to pick myself up. Outwardly if you saw me you'd think I was fine but inside I still hurt. It's still normal for me to cry at night if I've had a particuarly bad day thinking of him and what I've lost.
And that is allowed hunnie! It's not about losing your dad - it's about loving him and not being able to tell him the way you want to, imho.
If you can imagine taking the fear out of your life, my guess is that you'd be a lot happier. You don't seem to realise that you're a true survivor hun!
It'll take however long it takes jenny, so please don't worry about that. You had your view and role in the world totally changed in one night and yet somehow, you've managed to keep hold of all that you hold dear. You're a brave soul jenny and tougher than you think, imho.

My life is now different. I react differently to things, bit panicky at times, couldn't even socialise for about 18 months after it happened but am a bit better now.
Perhaps theres a good book someone could recommend me?
THanks for any comments.quote
Look at you finishing with positives!
You've recognized that you have certain reactions sometimes but that slowly, you are improving!!! And even more wonderful, is the fact that you're still looking for ways to help yourself.

I do have some ideas for books hun, which I will post tomorrow. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to pop into the bookshops and browse the psychology/self-help section? Sometimes a book will just virtually jump out at you.

Yes angel, life is different. But that doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing.
I am so sorry for rambling on jenny and I do respect everything you said. I hope something I wrote made some sense.
Have a talk with your gp sweetheart and see what help there is - and if you're worried that you can't find the words, then print off this post to give to them, because you found them very well today jenny.
Please feel free to post whenever - the guys here are amazing and I'm sure have already said what I have said, so sorry for any repetition hun. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us jenny - keeping you in my thoughts angel.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx