what's 'normal'

davenport151

Funny how people think now that no mobile phone means no contact. How did we manage in days gone by?
You said he has internet access do you have an email address? Is there a neighbour you have contact details for?
I am assuming he is due back today so please keep us informed.

Mojisola

Seanymph wrote: »

He went to our house in france, alone, 9 days ago. I was worried about him going - but he wanted to go - he thinks he is 'fine' but then he's thought that even when he couldn't remember my name.

He called me on day 2, panicking - he'd dropped his mobile and broken it. So he'd gone to the home of the estate agent who sold us the house, banged on their door on the Sunday morning, and called me from their home phone.

I reassured him not to worry about me - to enjoy his holiday - I was fine.......... I calmed him down.

Seanymph wrote: »

It's just as the 'carer' your reality shifts too - and then it becomes your 'normality'.

I completely understand your feelings. Having cared for someone with dementia, your idea of "normal" can definitely shift - it's only when you catch an expression on a visitor's face that you realise that something that's normal for you obviously isn't normal for the average household!

I would be concerned that an adult panicked about breaking his phone and disturbed a relative stranger at home on a Sunday. If he couldn't contact you by other means - email, public phone, through neighbours - I would have expected him to wait until Monday morning and bought a new phone.

If he won't go to the GP, you need to go and talk about what's happening. Make a diary of things that are different about his behaviour so that you have examples. It's quite normal for people with brain injuries or other problems like dementia not to see there is something wrong with them - that's part of the nature of the illness.

RedBern

Ok, what would I do? You're worried, he's not acting in character and you have no way of contacting him? When is he due back? If it isn't for a few more days, I'd be inclined to ring the guy whose house he rang from, say you're worried and ask could he just check everything is ok and ask your OH to contact you please. You're going to drive yourself mad otherwise.

Seanymph

The no present was because he 'couldn't think what to get me' and thought he'd 'take me shopping at the weekend'.

He was very sorry, once he'd worked out that I found that unacceptable, arrived home from work with gifts and I think it's fair to say was an error he wouldn't be repeating.

It was lazy husbanding - but to me doesn't feel on this level.

He did wake me up, bearing tea, on my birthday, explain the no gift and offer the trip - he didn't expect the reaction he got though, he thought he was being reasonable, so perhaps this is in the same league. I don't know. I know no gifts hurt my feelings, but this just feels like I don't even figure in his life - or at least in his thought processes.

Any

Agree with the diary-sometimes when we are presented with 'give us an example' we cannot quickly think which would be best to present and with lesser caring GP your concerns could get dismissed quickly.

Any

Seanymph wrote: »

The no present was because he 'couldn't think what to get me' and thought he'd 'take me shopping at the weekend'.

He was very sorry, once he'd worked out that I found that unacceptable, arrived home from work with gifts and I think it's fair to say was an error he wouldn't be repeating.

It was lazy husbanding - but to me doesn't feel on this level.

He did wake me up, bearing tea, on my birthday, explain the no gift and offer the trip - he didn't expect the reaction he got though, he thought he was being reasonable, so perhaps this is in the same league. I don't know. I know no gifts hurt my feelings, but this just feels like I don't even figure in his life - or at least in his thought processes.

Hmm, no I don't think that is in the same league...
My OH wouldn't go shopping with me if they paid him for it haha!!!

Seanymph

Bern he's due back today - I've just sort of 'held it together' all week for the kids, today I'm on here because I have to deal with him sooner or later.

Mojisola that's it exactly! I dont' know which one of us is out of step, but one of us is.

He went from panick 'oh my god I spent three hours last night trying to fix my phone I'm so sorry I haven't called babe' to nothing.

It's like the START of dementia (I did this with my grandmother) - where you sort of glimpse not right things, but get brushed off - but this isn't like glimpsing - this is like blimey!

I phoned his sister - who said that his disinterest in me is 'normal' he's always been selfish but driving home from the middle of France with no phone is out of character - his problem solving would have caused him to rectify that in case he broke down on the way. Lovely.

His disinterest in me isn't normal for me though.

I had a dog with heart failure when he went away, a beloved pet of 12 years - I had a hospital appointment obtaining results on Wednesday - they turn out to have been important.

And I've dealt with it all.

Normally he'd have been in touch I think. I'm just not sure a broken phone is excuse enough.

itsanne

You're really presenting two different problems - possible lack of caring and impact of the head injury. From what you describe, your husband has changed since the accident, so that needs addressed. Given that, then worrying about his apparent thoughtlessness is pointless as it may be the result of the injury.

Seanymph

Ah, but this is page 2 itsanne

I started trying to decide if he was uncaring OR if it was the injury.

We are all coming around to the injury - let's hope so for his sake But that wasn't were I started - it's talking about it and people sharing their experiences that brings us there

marisco_2

What did you both regard as being a normal level of communication when you were apart, before he had the head injury? You are clearly upset and feel very unsettled about this situation. When he arrives home approach him about it calmly and try as much as you can to keep all emotion out of it. If he has not contacted you due to the side effects from his injury, then any animosity and upset could confuse him and make things a whole lot worse. You need him to be able to apply reasoned, logical thought to how his actions have made you feel. He wont be able to do that if he is on the defensive.