what's 'normal'

Seanymph

I'm updating in case anyone is interested - and because this has helped me.

Last night he asked if I was worried about him - when I said yes he said he would go to the Doctors for me. Because I was worried.

He also said that we are doing alright aren't we? That he didn't want it to be a character assasination, that he felt strange about going because I was going to sit and list his faults. That he didn't mean to hurt me ever, and would never go away and not phone again - that he understood now that wasn't ok - that he knew what he had to do at work - that he didn't get lost any more - and that he couldn't really see what they could offer.

A stutter wasn't so bad, and he'd phone more, so did he have to go? and I had t promise not to make him look like he did bad things to me. He didn't mean to - and me telling someone else all the things I didn't like about him would be difficult for him to hear.

So, I'm at a bit of a loss with this man and what to do with him at the moment.

he doesn't want me to go alone first - nope, if we are going to do this , we'll do it.

I just don't know how to love him best at the moment. Whether leaving us to 'rub along alright' is best, or whether it's worth putting him through it and seeking medical support.

Tahlullah

Hi Seanymph,

Jump at the offer! He has made it so hold him to it. No doubt this is painful for him, and the guilt is now ripping you apart, but you have to remember that this is about getting him any help that is out there. No other reason. You want to know if there is any treatment, therapy, support that can improve his situation, and ultimately yours. If you don't take him up on the offer, you may never get the opportunity again.

It's good that he is able to see the damage that he did, however unintentionally. But if you can, for both of you, go to see the GP. Perhaps agree who says what first and how, but he has to let you speak openly and honestly, or it's a pointless exercise.

Still interested and offering support if wanted.

Tx

troubleinparadise

Morning Seanymph,

That's an interesting conversation - positive in that he has listened to you and realises something is wrong, and also because he's telling you his feelings about it and how he'd like your support but also his fears.

I guess you have to think about what you might be hoping to achieve by going to see the GP.

If what you were looking for is confirmation that something has changed and for your husband to then acknowledge it because a professional has agreed with you, perhaps you don't need that because it does sound as though he has acknowledged that you aren't just making it up and making a fuss unnecessarily.

A checkup on the lines I mentioned about other things being tested (anaemia, Vit B12, thyroid etc) could mean treatment that helps take away some of the problems and bring you both peace of mind and better everyday living. And let's not forget the normal issues of high blood pressure and cholesterol - those definitely need treating if found to prevent problems further down the line.

A memory test that shows signs of losses could set you down another pathway - whilst there are some medications that can help a little, they don't cure. If your husband is managing his driving ok, and that doesn't give you cause for concern, the GP is obliged to inform DVLA if he/she makes a diagnosis that flags up potential driving problems, and could mean having to do an assessment.

Re his fears about seeing the doctor - unless your OH has given the Dr permission, the Dr shouldn't talk to you without OH re his problems because of patient confidentiality. That changes if capacity is lost, or you have attorneyship for health and welfare. So I'd be surprised if the GP agreed to an appointment alone with you. (That's why my suggestion of sending the letter with concerns listed - you've given the information, the Dr hasn't broken the rules, and the Dr decides for themselves - but if you feel uncomfortable about going behind his back, then don't do this).

As to being embarrassed - I wouldn't want to sit and listen to someone listing my shortcomings, especially if I don't see all the things their way! So I can't blame him, and sensitivity is needed.

But an appointment to rule out the other physical issues would be good, focusing on that - how about seeing what he feels about that, rather than his shortcomings.

This is also a flag that you need to sort out your affairs - setting up Powers of Attorney, Wills etc, so that both of you are prepared should you need to be for any unexpected event.

Sorry, I've rambled on a bit - hope that might help you reach a decision

tayforth

Hi Seanymph

Has there been any progress with this?

I'm asking as I found your thread when I was searching for something on concussion. I'm seeing a guy (it's early days but we've become very close). He had an accident a couple of weeks ago, resulting in concussion. Since then, he has been normal to talk to, but a few times he hasn't answered my calls or texts. This is totally out of character for him.

I spoke to him yesterday, and he told me that he's had a few post-accident symptoms (including bleeding from his ear!), and he hadn't told me because he didn't want to worry me (!). Before the accident, he wouldn't have been like that.

We arranged to meet up today, but I haven't heard from him since. I'm really worried that he's unwell. I have no way of contacting him except via his mobile, and he's not answering.

Seanymph

Hi tayforth.

We went to the doctors last week, finally, and he has a referral to either a neuropsychologist or a neurologist, it depends what is available at our health care trust.

Does your chap have someone else with him? Do you know any of his friends?

Otherwise just tell him 'I'm worried, please answer me'. It may be that you aren't being direct enough. I have to be really direct now.

tayforth

Seanymph wrote: »

Hi tayforth.

We went to the doctors last week, finally, and he has a referral to either a neuropsychologist or a neurologist, it depends what is available at our health care trust.

Does your chap have someone else with him? Do you know any of his friends?

Otherwise just tell him 'I'm worried, please answer me'. It may be that you aren't being direct enough. I have to be really direct now.

I texted him exactly those words yesterday. I've heard nothing at all since.

I don't know any of his friends.

Good to hear that you have a referral, I hope that he gets the care he needs. Take care of yourself too xx

Seanymph

Have you heard from him now Tayforth?

tayforth

Seanymph wrote: »

Have you heard from him now Tayforth?

You're so kind to think of me. Yes, I did hear from him, but he's been quite distant since, and he hasn't contacted me at all in the last two days. I'm so hurt.

How is your OH? xxx

jobbingmusician

Here are some related ramblings - I hope you might find some of them useful.

1. When you go to the neurologist/whatever, you aren't listing your DH's faults, you are listing symptoms because you think something might be wrong with him. Can you explain to him that what you want to be is working together to get him fully well? If I was you husband it might help me to hear that yes, we are all right. That you are a dependable thing in his life, and you want to help him to be as happy and rounded a person as he was before the accident. That you can see that things like his aphasia are upsetting for him, and so you really want to work with him (and that the NHS is quite hard work, nowadays, so you have to make things sound bad to them, so that they act!)

2. In the mean time it might be worth pressing your GP for (another?) scan to make sure there are no bleeds which might have happened after the accident. Sorry, there probably aren't, and I hate to worry you, but this needs ruling out, especially if you think that his behaviour (impulsivity about things like sharing youtube) has increased. (Don't answer on the board, just for YOU to think about, but how is sex? Disinhibition is a sign of frontal lobe damage).

3. As a counter to this, some good news. No-one on the board has said this, but the brain is incredibly plastic, and there is no reason why he shouldn't make a full recovery, given time. There are some things you can do to help him - you will laugh, but playing Kim's game together is likely to help, and there are memory techniques which might help him. For a very example, he could learn to always associate the smell of coffee with looking at his reminder list.

By the way, I used to run a stroke charity, that's why I know this stuff. And I agree - Headway are incredibly helpful.