what's 'normal'

KiKi

My sister's husband had a bike accident some years ago and had neurological damage. It took years to diagnose. If he's more forgetful, behaving differently, the symptoms you describe, I'd get him back to the GP with a clear list of symptoms and example and insist on a neurological consult. It's very possible that this is who he is now, that the head injury has shifted some of his emotions, reactions and impulses. It's incredibly common. But to have that confirmed by a specialist does wonders for your confidence to deal with it. He also has to recognise that this has happened (if this is what it is).

I hope you manage to convince him to see his GP.

KiKi

Seanymph

Thank you to everyone.

He could problem solve his way out of not contacting me.

he could buy a handset in france and put his sim in it. He could take his laptop to anywhere with wi-fi - every mcdonalds has it and he could send an email. He could use a payphone. He could buy a phone card at the intermarche and use a payphone.

This is the 21st Century - he is in France not katmandu - logistically with a small amount of thought and effort he could have got in touch.

I wrote him a letter on Monday and posted it and he would have got it Thursday! Blimey, he could have written a letter!

'He has no phone how do you think he should contact you' holds no water at all. He is an adult, and with rational thought that isn't a problem.

We have a HOUSE there, we have bank accounts, debit cards, and the ability to speak the language. He also has a laptop, and a working sim on an english network which he could put into any mobile that was either unlocked or had a reciprocal agreement with Vodaphone.

I'm afraid the 'broken phone' is not an excuse for no contact.

fireyfirenze

I would not be impressed in the slightest if my husband hadn't contacted me for a week. like you said, there are ways and means to do it, he isn't in the desert or somewhere ridiculous like that, just France.

in fact after 2 or 3 days of no contact I would be seriously worried about him. but I suppose it depends if it is out of character for him. I know my oh would not leave it that long. sorry no advice on the head injury thing, just thought id share my opinion that he is out of order...

splishsplash

Seanymph wrote: »

Thank you to everyone.

He could problem solve his way out of not contacting me.

he could buy a handset in france and put his sim in it. He could take his laptop to anywhere with wi-fi - every mcdonalds has it and he could send an email. He could use a payphone. He could buy a phone card at the intermarche and use a payphone.

This is the 21st Century - he is in France not katmandu - logistically with a small amount of thought and effort he could have got in touch.

I wrote him a letter on Monday and posted it and he would have got it Thursday! Blimey, he could have written a letter!

'He has no phone how do you think he should contact you' holds no water at all. He is an adult, and with rational thought that isn't a problem.

We have a HOUSE there, we have bank accounts, debit cards, and the ability to speak the language. He also has a laptop, and a working sim on an english network which he could put into any mobile that was either unlocked or had a reciprocal agreement with Vodaphone.

I'm afraid the 'broken phone' is not an excuse for no contact.

So, you've answered your own question very comprehensively there and have resoundingly decided NO it's not normal to go and not contact your wife for a week.

Now what?

RedBern

Seanymph wrote: »

Thank you to everyone.

He could problem solve his way out of not contacting me.

he could buy a handset in france and put his sim in it. He could take his laptop to anywhere with wi-fi - every mcdonalds has it and he could send an email. He could use a payphone. He could buy a phone card at the intermarche and use a payphone.

This is the 21st Century - he is in France not katmandu - logistically with a small amount of thought and effort he could have got in touch.

I wrote him a letter on Monday and posted it and he would have got it Thursday! Blimey, he could have written a letter!

'He has no phone how do you think he should contact you' holds no water at all. He is an adult, and with rational thought that isn't a problem.

I'm afraid the 'broken phone' is not an excuse for no contact.

It's really difficult to know what to say, as we don't know your OH and only have your 'take' on things. However, his rational thoughts may be impaired at the moment, and if he has an injury, that will affect his thought processes. I know I couldn't have sorted my way out of a paper bag in the first few months, and it is difficult for someone who hasn't experienced it to understand. So it may be that although you can see all the logistics of retaining contact, he's being very literal in your 'enjoy your holiday' message, and can't see a wider picture? If he has a head injury, just don't be too hard on him, it's not his fault. (Him being a prat about birthdays text is a different argument!)

peachyprice

He broke his phone, you said you'd be ok, and to enjoy his holiday, so he did. Perhaps you gave him the impression by that that not going out of his way to contact you would be fine?

As you said, he's in your house, with access to bank accounts etc., it's not like he in a strange place with no back up. Perhaps he thought it would be ok to kick back and enjoy the peace?

I can't really see the problem TBH, you know his phone is broken, so you know he won't phone.

Seanymph

I get the 'don't be too hard on him' Bern.

It's just as the 'carer' your reality shifts too - and then it becomes your 'normality'.

So I spend a lot of time questioning myself and wondering about 'what's changed here'.

Seanymph

PP I did say 'I'm fine' - he was panicking and in someone else's house - I was reassuring him, calming him down.

But to use someone saying 'I'm fine' as licence to not call or be concerned for a week strikes me as not his normal self.

He used to have independent thought - he would have had SOME curiosity as to how I was faring with the kids and dogs etc..... Or at least want to tell me about how his week was going.

Silence is a new one on me. Now, could his bang on the head have caused him to be so literal that his non contact is somehow my 'fault' because I reassured him I was fine during one phone call.

Or is he an inconsiderate so and so.

and if he IT because he took me so literally is that normal? Could any other wife on here stand by the fact that if they said to their husband when he was away for a week 'yep, I'm fine, don't worry - yep, kids all fine - nope, dog not dead, £546 bill mind you, but we are all ok, don't worry about us'. Is it somehow reasonable for a husband to think 'ah, she's fine - I'll just f off for a week and not bother about anyone at home'.

Because I would think of him in that situation - worry about him - WANT to talk to him. So I would have called.

One of us obviously is out of touch with 'normality' - of course it could be me and I could have unreaslistic expectations of the man I married, or, his bang on the head could have meant that he isn't quite processing things correctly any longer - and therefore appearing uncaring but actually isn't.

However, it's all helping me line up my thoughts, so thanks for all opinions. Sometimes hearing what strikes you as wrong helps you work out what is right for you.

Georgiegirl256

I totally agree with the OP about the not having a mobile is no excuse not to get in touch....I mean, how on earth did we all manage before they were invented?!

Only you know OP if this is the kind of thing he would have done before the accident. If before the accident he would have phoned every day/every other day say, then that is not normal for you as a couple. But, I do get what you are saying, has he changed because of the brain injury? Or has he changed just in general, and isn't as thoughtful or caring towards you anymore?

Any

If it wasn't the head injury ans he actually really thought that is normal (and broken phone really is NO excuse-I managed to contact my Oh from India without a phone!!) then you really do have a problem. I would not be impressed.
Speak to him though and see?

When he did not get you a birthday present, what was his excuse?? My OH did not get me 'present' one year, but that was because I was going to New York and he just said to get myself something there and present him with the bill (although that didn't wash with me this year either, I said if he is going for the easy option I would like at least have an envelope to open on my birthday rather then to nag him for money 2 months later...).
Did he think there is no need to get you present then, or was there an explanation??

That might cast light a bit what is 'normal' for him..