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Relationship problem

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Comments

  • DomRavioli
    DomRavioli Posts: 3,136 Forumite
    1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    tea_lover wrote: »
    That's quite an assumption! It may well be the case that the OP's marriage is over, it may well be the case that it would be better in the long run for them to separate. But none of us know that, cetainly not based on just a couple of posts. It seems very irresponsible for a board guide to be posting such strong statements, without any real understanding of the actual facts.

    So, Tea Lover, you think that children being in a situation where their mother is being financially abused and controlled is a situation you would want a child to be in?

    My parents stayed together even though they shouldn't have, and it has caused some serious problems for me and my siblings - no child should see their mother abused in any way, it is far more toxic (clinically proven - google the reports if you like) to stay together because of kids when there is any form of abuse.

    OP - Be strong, and get as far away from that monster as is physically possible, you are worth so much more than that, and both you and your kids deserve better. It will hurt, so very much, but it will be worth it; self respect, confidence and knowing your kids are in a safe situation is worth far more than any man (if you could call it that).

    Chin up, keep smiling, and know you are doing what you think is best for you and your kids.
  • Not all men behave like this.

    Well, I think in my experience, when faced with mounting stress, coupled with that mid-life disillusionment, most average men, actually do become grumpy, difficult, angry, and take it out on the people they love.

    For most it passes.
  • Well, I think in my experience, when faced with mounting stress, coupled with that mid-life disillusionment, most average men, actually do become grumpy, difficult, angry, and take it out on the people they love.

    For most it passes.
    My ex was just like the op's husband, controlling and very nasty towards me. Always saying he was leaving so I would have to plead with him not to. He would laugh in my face and call me a bad mother. When I was heavily pregnant he threw me on the floor and told me he was taking dd1's clothes and furniture. I realised I could no longer live like this and when he told me he was leaving I told he to and he was so shocked and begged me to change my mind but I told him to go. It was hard, I was lost but I did get stronger and I found who my true friends were.

    My husband is the most kindest man, he never raises his voice to me and respects me. He does have stress at time but he deals with it by partaking in his hobby and talking it through with me.
  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,374 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    but them all of a sudden the wall goes up and then the silences, when he does talk its all about why do I not show him affection, he is unhappy with his life, I am selfish.


    In that case, there is clearly some misunderstanding going on in your relationship as you started your thread saying that you are showing him a lot of affection, holding hands, kisses etc... Does by affection he means sexual contact?


    When he says you are selfish, what it is in context of? I get the feeling that you are mutually not good at listening to each other. I think he is trying to tell you something, maybe in an indirect way that is not easy to pick up and he is frustrated that you don't do so, whilst you are getting more and more confused by his behaviour and words. I know it is difficult because he won't talk, but maybe it is because talking is more about you talking than him? Because he struggles to do so, so the conversation naturally turns to you? I say that because that's how it is with my husband. I now know that if I can get him to open up to a 'talk', I have to make it about him expressing himself and listening first. A bit of a struggle, but getting better at it. He is then more receptive to listening to my issues.
  • loucham
    loucham Posts: 13 Forumite
    Many thanks again for all your comments, suggestions words of encouragement.

    To clear the matter up of the money, he earns a wage after paying his business expenses, sometimes he puts some towards the household pot, sometimes not, I know how much there is as I do the business admin. We have seperate bank accounts for a specific reason. I know what the money is spent on, he doesn't hide it, it just doesn't come towards the bills all of the time, partly because he chooses to spend it on other stuff and partly because he does have problems dealing with his money. I know this is not right but this is something that can be dealt with, but not at the moment.

    As an update he has rang to check I'm ok, wants to talk properly about our marriage, but I told him he has hurt me so much with his words (whoever said sticks and stones..... clearly wasn't being hurt by someones words).

    I will take on board the advice offered here, as I said earlier I am feeling stronger than this morning and feel great strength from being able to communicate on here, I don't have anyone in real life to talk to and get impartial advice so this really has helped today.

    I will also get some practical advice as a back up if things don't work, but I will be strong and not let anyone push me around. I will make it quite clear that he is right, things can't carry on as they have been, but changes need to come from both of us and we need to try to get back to the marriage we had before it got so muddied and that I will not be spoken to like dirt just because of a mood.

    FBaby I take on board what you are saying and try to get better at listening, but also communicating, sometimes I don't say how I feel and let things slide, I think we have a bit of the opposite problem, the conversation is often about him and his feelings, never about mine - partly my fault for not communicating my feelings.

    As I said I am feeling stronger, I will not be pushed around and want to feel equal in this marriage not a mother to 2 kids and a husband.

    Once again thank you for your words of wisdom, own experiences and Peliroco apologies if you have not understood my posts, I am very upset and have not gone into great detail re finances etc as I was thinking more along the emotional side of things.
  • I'm sorry to hear you are having such a tough time with your hubby at the moment.

    To be honest, I really think you should seek some advice by way of a solicitor even if you patch it up tonight. Like you say changes have to come from both of you, yet so far no changes have been made.

    You don't have to tell him that you are seeing anyone for advice, but being forearmed with knowledge can give you a position of strength, god forbid things turn downhill again.

    It's funny how he said 'it's over' and didn't make any plans to move out, speak of divorce etc. I think it would give him a right shock, if things go wrong, that you mean business by having gone to a solicitor.

    I hope things work out for you.
  • C_Mababejive
    C_Mababejive Posts: 11,668 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Loucham..we hear so much about your husband and his issues but i am not hearing so much about you want and what your hopes,dreams and aspirations are for the future.

    Would it be better if you both admit its not working and plan to separate?

    As another strategy remember this phrase "scarcity increases value"..so make yourself scarce,stop paying all the attention and stop doing all the stressing and running around !
    Feudal Britain needs land reform. 70% of the land is "owned" by 1 % of the population and at least 50% is unregistered (inherited by landed gentry). Thats why your slave box costs so much..
  • paulineb_2
    paulineb_2 Posts: 6,489 Forumite
    I'm sorry to hear you are having such a tough time with your hubby at the moment.

    To be honest, I really think you should seek some advice by way of a solicitor even if you patch it up tonight. Like you say changes have to come from both of you, yet so far no changes have been made.

    You don't have to tell him that you are seeing anyone for advice, but being forearmed with knowledge can give you a position of strength, god forbid things turn downhill again.

    It's funny how he said 'it's over' and didn't make any plans to move out, speak of divorce etc. I think it would give him a right shock, if things go wrong, that you mean business by having gone to a solicitor.

    I hope things work out for you.

    Totally agree with this, getting advice might be helpful to you in the wrong run, I think its going to take a dramatic turn around on his part long term to sort things out.
  • Vicky123
    Vicky123 Posts: 3,404 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    Actually making someone take the blame for things when they are the one carrying the load, telling someone one thing and doing another are classic gaslighting behaviours, if it makes you doubt your own very valid experience then that is gaslighting.
    In any case the OP doesn't seem ready to make any life changing decisions but she was concerned enough to post here to see if others think her concerns are valid, only time will tell if she's dealing with a depressed husband or an abuser or even both.
  • tayforth
    tayforth Posts: 1,884 Forumite
    loucham wrote: »
    Many thanks again for all your comments, suggestions words of encouragement.

    To clear the matter up of the money, he earns a wage after paying his business expenses, sometimes he puts some towards the household pot, sometimes not, I know how much there is as I do the business admin. We have seperate bank accounts for a specific reason. I know what the money is spent on, he doesn't hide it, it just doesn't come towards the bills all of the time, partly because he chooses to spend it on other stuff and partly because he does have problems dealing with his money. I know this is not right but this is something that can be dealt with, but not at the moment.

    As an update he has rang to check I'm ok, wants to talk properly about our marriage, but I told him he has hurt me so much with his words (whoever said sticks and stones..... clearly wasn't being hurt by someones words).

    I will take on board the advice offered here, as I said earlier I am feeling stronger than this morning and feel great strength from being able to communicate on here, I don't have anyone in real life to talk to and get impartial advice so this really has helped today.

    I will also get some practical advice as a back up if things don't work, but I will be strong and not let anyone push me around. I will make it quite clear that he is right, things can't carry on as they have been, but changes need to come from both of us and we need to try to get back to the marriage we had before it got so muddied and that I will not be spoken to like dirt just because of a mood.

    FBaby I take on board what you are saying and try to get better at listening, but also communicating, sometimes I don't say how I feel and let things slide, I think we have a bit of the opposite problem, the conversation is often about him and his feelings, never about mine - partly my fault for not communicating my feelings.

    As I said I am feeling stronger, I will not be pushed around and want to feel equal in this marriage not a mother to 2 kids and a husband.

    Once again thank you for your words of wisdom, own experiences and Peliroco apologies if you have not understood my posts, I am very upset and have not gone into great detail re finances etc as I was thinking more along the emotional side of things.


    I'm glad to hear that you're feeling stronger. I'm also glad that you posted here. I couldn't talk to anyone else about the problems in my marriage either, and I was glad of the help and support that I received on here.

    Well done on telling him how his words (and actions) have made you feel. That's a great start.

    Keep us posted xx
    Life is a gift... and I intend to make the most of mine :A

    Never regret something that once made you smile :A
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