Relationship problem

loucham

Hello

I'm posting as I feel so lost and alone.

I just need some advice or someone to talk to as I can't talk to anyone I know.

I am married, have been for many years with 2 small children.
We have lost any spark between us, I feel my husband has built a wall up between us and no matter what i do i can't knock it down. He says there is no affection between us, yet every night he comes home and I kiss him and talk to him about his day, when we settle down to watch a bit of TV I cuddle up to him and hold his hand, but when we get into bed he turns his back on me. I do everything for him and the children, I don't ask for anything, I work but all my money goes into the home, I never have a penny spare, husband earns but over the last 12 months he hasn't put in his share, some months not putting anything into the pot.

We have had a terrible argument about our marriage, and as normal he has blamed me for everything, he acepts no responsibility for any problems and has reasons and excuses. This is something that has always been the way, if he is unhappy about it then he feels its ok to tell me how its my fault , if I try to talk about anything that may be worrying me he gets angry and turns it around as if I am having a go at him, but I just want to talk. Maybe it is me and I just don't see it, Im so confused.

I really don't know what to do of where to turn, I do not have a penny to my name and he says there is no money to put in the bank, I know that he has been paid over 3thousand this month. He says its over, but says this a lot. I cried for over 3 hours last night, he didn't care, Im crying now, my poor children, I really don't know what to do.

I suppose Im on here as Im scared , I really don't know. Im embarrassed, scared, worried for the children, they are still small.

pops5588

I'm so sorry you're going through this It sounds to me like you are the one who is prepared to put the effort and the work in and that he isn't particularly interested.

Would he be prepared to try counseling? Maybe get in touch with Relate and see if they can help you at all?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

I am so sorry that this has happened to you.


It seems your husband has already checked out of this marriage and there is little you can do to maintain the status quo. If one person says a marriage is over then it's over.


what is your housing situation?


I have to say, its a bit cruel of your husband to tell you the marriage is over but not to get a divorce. that's not nice, if the marriage is over he needs to facilitate that, not drop that bombshell on you and expect you to just sit and take it.


Get angry. Look at what you'd be entited to as a single parent. Council tax discount, child benefit, child tax credits, and 20% of your husbands salary. That's doable.


Oh, and one more thing


Cherchez la femme


I'm so very sorry. Be strong

loucham

He would not react well to the idea of counselling, I suggested that once before but he thought it was just a reason for me to have a go and then someone else. At his moment he wont talk to me at all.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

This is the classic behaviour of a man having an affair. Sorry Op but it is.


Call his bluff. Tell him to go if the marriage is over. See some solicitors for a free half hour advice. Go to CAB for housing and benefit advice. Get wise as to what your rights are, it will make you feel stronger and take your mind of the emotional side of things.


Have you got any support in real life? parents or siblings?

19lottie82

do you think he might be having an affair? im not suggesting that it is definitely the case, but it could be a possibility?

if he has made it clear that he has no interest in re building your relationship, maybe you should ask him to move out?

cross posted with #5

alwaysonthego_2

This sounds like my ex, who was a bully. You need to get out, I did and I am the happiest I have ever been. You owe it to your children and yourself.

loucham

We live in a mortgaged house, we both work, I claim child benefit but nothing else. I'm not worried about the money, although I should be, just feel like my heart is breaking and so scared for the children. I know poeple say they are resilient, but that doesn't make the idea any easier to handle.

alwaysonthego_2

Make sure you have your own account where you money goes into, you might be entitled to tax credits, try the benefit checker entitledto.com . You should get 20% of your husband's salary to support the children. You might find you are better off.

Your heart will hurt for a while, but you will move on. It is more harmful for children for you to stay. It is a change, change is hard but you will look back in a couple of years and wonder how you stayed so long, I did.

loucham

I'm 100% sure he isn't having an affair. He goes to work and comes home, doesn't go out on his own, phone left out and if text comes through and I'm nearer to phone he would ask me to read it for him.

I have been in a relationship previously where partner had an affair and not one of those signs is there.

I don't have any siblings and my parents are wonderful but at this moment when I feel there is a chance to save the marriage I couldn't talk to them.

GobbledyGook

So he's keeping all of his wages for himself rather than making any contribution to his family? What a charmer.

What do you want to do? Do you want to try and make the marriage work or do you want to leave?

You could phone Women's Aid for advice on how to proceed if you do want to end things. They are very good with this sort of thing.

In case you are worried about them being only helpful to women whose husbands are physically abusive have a look at this from their financial abuse section.

Refuse to contribute to shared household expenses, including failing to pay regular bills
despite agreeing to take responsibility for them; or building up debts in her name or joint names – sometimes without her knowledge (e.g. utility bills, which she thinks he has paid).

He must know that not giving you any cash towards the household will leave you financially stuck/poorly off. So get advice from them on how to move forward from here.

Good luck
Gemma x