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Relationship problem

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  • My ex always use to say our marriage was over all the time to get a reaction out of me, used to make him feel good and me more reliant on him, it was a form of control. One day when he said he was leaving me, I told him to go ahead and he was shocked.
  • I'm so sorry to hear you say you are having this problem. I identify with you as I'm in the same situation and am also worried about what will happen as we have a child.


    Have you got any family that you could stay with for a while? I'm currently staying with my parents after my husband threw me out the house at the weekend, I took my little girl and the dog with me.


    Like yours, my husband blames me for things - his moods - which I know I've not done anything to cause. We've been together a long time and this has happened before. In regard to the other post about councelling you could bring this up and ask if he'd go. My husband and I went to the doctor last week about his anger/moods etc and he refused the doctors suggestion that he talks to someone. This moment brought me clarity - if he doesn't want to speak to someone then what hope is there for our relationship.


    I'd give your husband a few days to calm down - go and stay somewhere else if you can. I know how isolating it is being in a house with someone that won't talk to you. I'm not sure how old your children are but it must also not be nice for them as well, especially if they are at an age where they know things are going on.


    I'm sorry I don't have more words of encouragement, I'm feeling lost myself at the moment. I do know though that you need to put your children first and as painful as it is, this may mean accepting you cannot be a family anymore. It's taken me a long time to realise this and I am petrified about the future, especially the prospect of losing my house.


    I really hope that things work out for you one way or another.
    2013: Interflora Vouchers, Christmas Decorations, NNUK goody bag, thermos flask, macwet gloves
  • tea_lover
    tea_lover Posts: 8,261 Forumite
    Make sure you have your own account where you money goes into, you might be entitled to tax credits, try the benefit checker entitledto.com . You should get 20% of your husband's salary to support the children. You might find you are better off.

    Your heart will hurt for a while, but you will move on. It is more harmful for children for you to stay. It is a change, change is hard but you will look back in a couple of years and wonder how you stayed so long, I did.

    That's quite an assumption! It may well be the case that the OP's marriage is over, it may well be the case that it would be better in the long run for them to separate. But none of us know that, cetainly not based on just a couple of posts. It seems very irresponsible for a board guide to be posting such strong statements, without any real understanding of the actual facts.
  • tea_lover wrote: »
    That's quite an assumption! It may well be the case that the OP's marriage is over, it may well be the case that it would be better in the long run for them to separate. But none of us know that, cetainly not based on just a couple of posts. It seems very irresponsible for a board guide to be posting such strong statements, without any real understanding of the actual facts.
    I am allowed to have an opinion, I might be a board guide but I am also a normal user, please read my signature :D
  • He could have another phone. Or be deleting his texts. Or communicating via email or facebook.


    I would go through that phone and look at each and every contact on there and then I would check the mileage on his car. Does he drive to work? If he only goes to work and back then that will show on the mileage won't it?


    Get crafty and be watchful but don't let your suspicions be known and don't confront him without evidence as he will deny deny deny and become more devious at hiding things.


    Calm down. Go see a doctor if you have to. Find out your rights and have a bit of a snoop around the phone, car and laptop.
    Overactively underachieving for almost half a century
  • I'd say it's classic midlife depression, is this what my life has become.

    Most men go into this after a few years of plodding through marriage and having kids.

    I know I had a phase after being married for 10 years with 2 primary age kids where I could see no light at the end of the tunnel

    The only bit I don't get is the "husband earns but over the last 12 months he hasn't put in his share, some months not putting anything into the pot"

    Clearly you don't share your finances ?
  • warehouse
    warehouse Posts: 3,362 Forumite
    I've been Money Tipped!
    loucham wrote: »
    I'm 100% sure he isn't having an affair. He goes to work and comes home, doesn't go out on his own.

    Hi OP, maybe that's part of the bigger issue? I need my man time away from the wife and kids occasionally. It's very healthy and I'd be a bit of git myself without it if I'm honest. For me a couple of hours alone at the allotment or the odd night at the pub watching the football is a wonderful thing.

    I do worry about the money thing though. What exactly is it being spent on or going?
    Pants
  • I was also wondering if he was depressed. My husbands behaviour is triggered by stress which then makes him depressed. Perhaps yours is similar
    2013: Interflora Vouchers, Christmas Decorations, NNUK goody bag, thermos flask, macwet gloves
  • quidsy
    quidsy Posts: 2,181 Forumite
    It sounds like he is hoarding his wages to make a move alone or else he has some kind of addiction or debt problem that he is not telling you about.

    he also sounds like a bully. either way he doesn't want to be married anymore so why not let him go.

    tell him to move out, contact the CSA & get a really good lawyer.
    I don't respond to stupid so that's why I am ignoring you.

    2015 £2 saver #188 = £45
  • loucham
    loucham Posts: 13 Forumite
    PinkPeach - thank you for sharing and your words. I don't have anywhere else to stay, apart from my parents all my family are hundreds of miles away, the kids are at school so really don't want to disrupt their routine.

    I'm so sorry to hear your problems as well, my main fear is for the children and our home. I understand your use of the word petrified, as that is how I feel.

    I am going to try to find out about tax credits etc to do something productive, sitting here blubbering is just making me more and more panicky and alone.

    Tea lover and Always on the go - thank you for your words of support. I know the harm that can be done to children, but equally if my heart is breaking and I'm an adult, what on earth would children feel like. I want to protect them and make them happy so this is something I really need to sort out in my head and heart.
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