We’d like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum.

This is to keep it a safe and useful space for MoneySaving discussions. Threads that are – or become – political in nature may be removed in line with the Forum’s rules. Thank you for your understanding.

📨 Have you signed up to the Forum's new Email Digest yet? Get a selection of trending threads sent straight to your inbox daily, weekly or monthly!

Relationship problem

12467

Comments

  • balletshoes
    balletshoes Posts: 16,610 Forumite
    edited 24 February 2014 at 2:05PM
    loucham wrote: »
    He does have a hobby which involves a couple of hours on a couple of Sundays a month. He isn't either at work or with me constantly, sorry think I was being a bit misleading, when I said he doesn't go out, I meant late home from work, suspicious nights out, etc.

    The money is not being hoarded, I really don't want to go into great detail, but it comes in and then he has work related things to pay he works in construction and uses subcontractures etc.

    No we don't have shared finances, this is due to a previous business failure.

    So is it the case that the current business isn't actually giving him any money to put into the house? Does he maybe feel like this business might be going the same way as the previous one did, so he's stressed out and doesn't want to tell you because he's failed in the past?

    I'm absolutely not saying this is an excuse for treating you the way he is doing, but it may not be as cut and dried as I originally thought from your earlier posts.

    eta - I couldn't cope with my partner telling me its over and blaming me for things that are not within my control, certainly not repeatedly. Thats so disrespectful in my opinion, and if you haven't got respect for each other as husband and wife, what have you got?

    Have you told him to stop blaming you for things you are no part of, calmly and without any hysterics?
  • So what if the OP's husband is depressed? I've suffered from depression before but I didn't stop contributing financially to the family, that's just an excuse.


    He simply doesn't sound like a very nice person. Saying someone is a good dad is usually what women say when they can't think of anything else nice to say.


    He blows hot and cold saying he loves you one minute and he doesn't the next to keep you on your toes. Think about him, worry about him, Him Him Him. You get my drift.


    Start thinking about YOU.


    What exactly are you getting out of this relationship right now?
    Overactively underachieving for almost half a century
  • "He is a great dad"


    How is he a good dad when he contributes nothing financially and deliberately upsets his childrens mother?
    Overactively underachieving for almost half a century
  • tayforth
    tayforth Posts: 1,884 Forumite
    loucham (and PinkPeach) - I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's awful to be married to a man who blames you for everything, won't give an inch, refuses to discuss problems and gives you the silent treatment.

    I know, because I was married to one myself.

    Why doesn't he contribute to the household expenses?

    If he tells you that it's over again, I agree with those who say: call his bluff and suggest that he moves out.
    Life is a gift... and I intend to make the most of mine :A

    Never regret something that once made you smile :A
  • System
    System Posts: 178,367 Community Admin
    10,000 Posts Photogenic Name Dropper
    Stop trying, its obviously getting you nowhere. If he wants to go to bed and lie back to you. Let him. Maybe if he feels you withdraw from him he'll begin to open up.
    This is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com
  • pelirocco
    pelirocco Posts: 8,275 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    loucham wrote: »
    He does have a hobby which involves a couple of hours on a couple of Sundays a month. He isn't either at work or with me constantly, sorry think I was being a bit misleading, when I said he doesn't go out, I meant late home from work, suspicious nights out, etc.

    The money is not being hoarded, I really don't want to go into great detail, but it comes in and then he has work related things to pay he works in construction and uses subcontractures etc.

    No we don't have shared finances, this is due to a previous business failure.



    This is important , you should have explained this in the begining , You said he had £3k coming into his bank but you have only just mentioned its probably all going back out on business debt .
    It could quite possibly be that the business is failing , and he may have a load of business debt . This would put anyone under a lot of strain . You need to ask him whats going on there
    Vuja De - the feeling you'll be here later
  • pelirocco
    pelirocco Posts: 8,275 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    "He is a great dad"


    How is he a good dad when he contributes nothing financially and deliberately upsets his childrens mother?


    I think you may need to re read the bit where the OP says the money he 'earns' goes back out in paying business related bills
    Vuja De - the feeling you'll be here later
  • loucham
    loucham Posts: 13 Forumite
    pelirocco wrote: »
    This is important , you should have explained this in the begining , You said he had £3k coming into his bank but you have only just mentioned its probably all going back out on business debt .
    It could quite possibly be that the business is failing , and he may have a load of business debt . This would put anyone under a lot of strain . You need to ask him whats going on there
    pelirocco wrote: »
    I think you may need to re read the bit where the OP says the money he 'earns' goes back out in paying business related bills[/QUOTE

    Sorry you feel I should have explained this in the beginning, but I am very upset and confused.

    I know what is going on in the business, yes there are business related expenses, but there is also profit/wage which is not being spent on his responsibilities towards the home, only on an adhoc basis. There is a problem with how he manages his cashflow and how he prioritises what is spent where. There is no large amount of business debt I know this for certain due to the previous business failure and that I do the business administration. I wanted to make clear to the previous poster that there is no hoarding of money, just not a regular amount coming into the family pot.
  • It sounds like his self employment is causing him great stress, for whatever reason, (none payment of bills, mistakes made by subcontractors, poor estimating practises, ... think of a reason but it's pretty clear to me, that is the issue), which means he's mentally tired, and struggling to tell you about it without feeling a failure.

    He's a bloke, we behave like this.
  • dandelionclock30
    dandelionclock30 Posts: 3,235 Forumite
    edited 24 February 2014 at 4:24PM
    So what if the OP's husband is depressed? I've suffered from depression before but I didn't stop contributing financially to the family, that's just an excuse.


    He simply doesn't sound like a very nice person. Saying someone is a good dad is usually what women say when they can't think of anything else nice to say.


    He blows hot and cold saying he loves you one minute and he doesn't the next to keep you on your toes. Think about him, worry about him, Him Him Him. You get my drift.


    Start thinking about YOU.


    What exactly are you getting out of this relationship right now?

    You can end up in a right mess you know with depression, not just feeling a bit sad etc. It really can bring out the worst in people and make them very irritable and unable to relate to others. It can also make a person very self centred as the focus on themsleves and their problems. If OP thinks her husband has this then she needs to encourage him to go to the G.P.
This discussion has been closed.
Meet your Ambassadors

🚀 Getting Started

Hi new member!

Our Getting Started Guide will help you get the most out of the Forum

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 351.9K Banking & Borrowing
  • 253.5K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 454.1K Spending & Discounts
  • 244.9K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 600.5K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 177.4K Life & Family
  • 258.7K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 16.2K Discuss & Feedback
  • 37.6K Read-Only Boards

Is this how you want to be seen?

We see you are using a default avatar. It takes only a few seconds to pick a picture.