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Relationship problem
Comments
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I know what is going on in the business, yes there are business related expenses, but there is also profit/wage which is not being spent on his responsibilities towards the home, only on an adhoc basis. There is a problem with how he manages his cashflow and how he prioritises what is spent where. There is no large amount of business debt I know this for certain due to the previous business failure and that I do the business administration. I wanted to make clear to the previous poster that there is no hoarding of money, just not a regular amount coming into the family pot.
If there is profit/wage which is not being spent on his responsibilities towards then home then people's general opinion about the money issues still stands really.
Just because he gets money one month out of three or whatever doesn't change the fact that when he does have it he doesn't prioritise his wife and children.
The fact that he only has the opportunity to make a contribution on an ad hoc basis, but chooses not too is worse (imo) than not contributing because he can't.
You need to ask yourself some tough questions. Can you live like this for the rest of your lives? Is he likely to change? Are his business aspirations realistic? Does he want to change his problems with handling money? How toxic is the atmosphere for you all to live in? And most importantly when he struggles to prioritise where his profit/wage should be spent why is that? Why is prioritising his home, children and family difficult for him?0 -
We have had a terrible argument about our marriage, and as normal he has blamed me for everything, he acepts no responsibility for any problems and has reasons and excuses. This is something that has always been the way, if he is unhappy about it then he feels its ok to tell me how its my fault , if I try to talk about anything that may be worrying me he gets angry and turns it around as if I am having a go at him, but I just want to talk. Maybe it is me and I just don't see it, Im so confused.
It comes across in your posts that you are feeling increasingly run down emotionally, and possibly physically from the draining atmosphere of your relationship. I also get the impression that you are becoming more and more isolated and don't feel able to turn to anyone for help. Your self esteem and confidence are being knocked regularly and you are living in fear and feeling in a state of panic about your situation. I really don't wish to upset you further but all of this is unlikely to have come about by accident. The behaviour patterns you are describing in your husband are systematic of someone who enjoys inflicting emotional abuse. I think you would be wise to google the term 'gaslighting'. This will not make for easy reading but it could bring some much needed clarity and understanding of just what you are enduring.The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own, no apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.0 -
GobbledyGook - thank you so much for this post, your last sentence really hit me hard and made so much sense to me.
Although this is just one small part of our problems, it is something that I admit I have become resentful about. I don't feel I should have to ask for money towards the bills, I think it should just be sorted, I don't get paid and then decide that I will only pay 700 of my wages to the pot, as I quite fancy to buy something for myself. I put my whole wage in and go without.
I think I will wait and see how things are when he comes home, he hasn't made any attempt to contact me today, even though he heard me crying for hours last night. If he comes home in the same mood and mindset then I'm not sure how I'm going to react, feeling much stronger since this morning and that is mainly thanks to you guys for support, hometruths and a good talking to.0 -
Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »It sounds like his self employment is causing him great stress, for whatever reason, (none payment of bills, mistakes made by subcontractors, poor estimating practises, ... think of a reason but it's pretty clear to me, that is the issue), which means he's mentally tired, and struggling to tell you about it without feeling a failure.
He's a bloke, we behave like this.0 -
I cant understand why hes contributing so little to household expenses.
Id say thats a form of control as well, he was paid 3 grand last month but contributed nothing, is that right?0 -
Well actually I can, it is a means of control and it will make you stressed and miserable.
People can and do suffer from depression without behaving the way he currently is.0 -
GobbledyGook - thank you so much for this post, your last sentence really hit me hard and made so much sense to me.
Although this is just one small part of our problems, it is something that I admit I have become resentful about. I don't feel I should have to ask for money towards the bills, I think it should just be sorted, I don't get paid and then decide that I will only pay 700 of my wages to the pot, as I quite fancy to buy something for myself. I put my whole wage in and go without.
I think I will wait and see how things are when he comes home, he hasn't made any attempt to contact me today, even though he heard me crying for hours last night. If he comes home in the same mood and mindset then I'm not sure how I'm going to react, feeling much stronger since this morning and that is mainly thanks to you guys for support, hometruths and a good talking to.
Someone very wise said similar to me when my marriage was falling apart.
The thing to bear in mind as well is that even if you walk away from the marriage now that doesn't always mean the end forever. It just means that you are not prepared to live like that.
I was like that with my husband. I even divorced him because he cheated then behaved like a complete swearyword. A time down the line he realised the "problems I caused" were actually him, that the "never ending sacrifices" were actually utterly reasonable and that he'd been a complete idiot.
We're together now and it's not the same as it used to be - but that's a good thing. It also gave us both a very, very valuable lesson in that we both realised that I can live without him. I can finance a home, look after the kids and get on with life - I don't need to take ten tonnes of rubbish from him.
It's not just about what you want to do. I never, ever wanted my marriage to end, but I needed it to end because I had no life with it round my neck like a noose.
Love only goes so far when only one person is making any effort.
Take care.
Gemma x0 -
I cant understand why hes contributing so little to household expenses.
Id say thats a form of control as well, he was paid 3 grand last month but contributed nothing, is that right?
In another post the op said he wasnt hoarding his money it was going on business expenses , but now apparently it isnt all going on the businessVuja De - the feeling you'll be here later0 -
I think you may need to re read the bit where the OP says the money he 'earns' goes back out in paying business related bills[/QUOTE
Sorry you feel I should have explained this in the beginning, but I am very upset and confused.
I know what is going on in the business, yes there are business related expenses, but there is also profit/wage which is not being spent on his responsibilities towards the home, only on an adhoc basis. There is a problem with how he manages his cashflow and how he prioritises what is spent where. There is no large amount of business debt I know this for certain due to the previous business failure and that I do the business administration. I wanted to make clear to the previous poster that there is no hoarding of money, just not a regular amount coming into the family pot.
then you must have some idea of how much money he has left and where it is
You say hes not prioritising what is spent where , therefore you must now if hes spending it on non business debts
Something doesnt make sense hereVuja De - the feeling you'll be here later0 -
If hes not putting money into the family pot, then he is in effect saving it, for himself. Or spending it from another bank account that the OP doesnt have access to. She may well have access to all his bank accounts, but if Ive read this thread correctly the OP puts all her wages in for household expenses and hes putting nothing in.
If its not being invested back into the business then what is he doing with the cash?
1. It could be getting spent on someone else
2. He actually could have got to the stage where he couldnt care less if his wife and kids have enough money as long as hes got enough for himself
That plus blaming the OP for everything thats going wrong, the lack of physical contact and not getting in touch when shes very upset, really not good signs at all.0
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