If I don't move, he will leave me....

tinkerbell28

Threats aside. Locations.

I have to say I hate London.

I also have to say with young children myself the West country is beautiful.

Hands down winner with young kids IMO. Less pollution, rolling countryside, cotswolds on your door step. Hour or two to commute to central London dependant on location. The rural commuter villages around London are nice too, in Berks, etc.
30 mins to central London from where I've lived.

The world does exist outside of London and there is some fantastic things, experiences and clean air, especially for young children.

I've lived all over and the west is my favourite. I would hands down for my children chose a rural location.

I have to say I think you're both being selfish. If he is making threats there is that is out of this world, and so wrong.

However reading your posts, your main concerns seem to be for yourself. Kids are resilient to school change at that age.

That seems to be the after thought in your posts....

This makes me sick to the stomach as it would mean no London Life, no museums galleries, art classes etc. And a long commute to work.

It seems from your posts in the thread, the kids are going to have to change schools yes. But your commute and social life and "adult time" is going to take a hit.

It's the kids I feel sorry for tbh.

valk_scot

I have to say that whatever the pros and cons of an argument the minute one side starts making threats and trying to blackmail you then they've lost the right to be taking part in the discussion. Tell him you'll be happy to continue the discussion when he's ready to treat you with a bit more respect.


And, bottom line, if he persists in this "my way or no way" attitude, do you really want to be living with him anyway? A person who won't tolerate not getting his own way?


Persuasion and compromise require a lot of clear, honest and non-aggressive communication. And an open mind at each end, of course. But if you can't have this discussion without him trying to bully you then I don't blame you for going totally on the defensive about it, tbh.

Mattygroves2

OP -where do you go for holidays ? I'm wondering whether your OH has really thought about the realities of living in the true countryside. I've lived in London, Hertfordshire and now fairly rurally in Cheshire but gave still got neighbours as we live in a semi.

I loved London but saw Hertfordshire as not one thing or the other so when my OH had the chance to move with work to the "real" countryside we jumped at it even though it meant we were along way from his children which meant a lot of travel for access. Personal choice though as we wanted a feeling of real green spaces around us. We do far more in London now than when we both worked there and there is plenty to do and see in the North -gigs, theatre, really good eating places, sports as well as fantastic views.

However, we had always enjoyed weeks away in a cottage in the countryside, weekends away with friends on walking holidays and holidays devoted to watching various sorts of wildlife in wild places. If you don't already do things like that then I'd question whether he has really got the "countryside" bug but maybe thinks it sounds like a good idea.

Have you thought how many years you want to continue working for and have you planned the joint budget for first his and then your retirement ? It's a different problem if you intend (or need) to work for 10 years than if you only need to think about 5.

I think the holiday home / his home in the week and family home at the weekend us a good plan to try it out but make the country one rented until you know it's what you really want.

If you haven't done it already start with hiring a cottage for a week in the possible areas (maybe include the Lakes to keep him happy) and see what you really think of the areas. You might be surprised.

FBaby

He wasn't forced to live in London, was he? He made a choice to marry a Londoner and agree to settle there, he wasn't dragged there kicking and screaming!

We don't know whether he was pressured or not to live in London. Marrying a Londoner has nothing to do with being expected to live in that city forever.

I personally find it very odd that this is coming to head now unless there's been so serious denying taking place. This is an issue that my hubby and I discussed way before we got married, kind of similar discussion we had as to whether we were compatible because of my children. Both hate London (lived there for a few years) and much prefer seaside and hills). I can't imagine if one of us had felt differently, but one sure thing, one of us would have brought it up much earlier in the relationship.

I am wondering whether there is a difference in perception between them too. OP seems to feel that this has only really come up in the last few years, but her huband might have felt he expressed his wish to retire in the countryside quite clearly. So is it a case of him not communicating his wishes well or OP suffering from selective hearing, who knows.

I think both of them are selfish and stubborn, but it's understandable in the circumstances. In the end, there are no miracles, either one concedes and tries to make it work, or they live separate lives most of the time. Both suggestions have risks. My mum chose to move into a bigger town, for the supposed benefit of my sister, although she admits now that she hated the town they previously lived in. He didn't want to move so they had separate lives during the week. However, gradually, things got in the way during the week-ends (mainly to do with my sister's activities) and gradually, they saw each other less and less. They learnt to live without each other. When my step-dad died, they were almost like strangers to each other.

mountainofdebt

I have to say that on the (rare) occasions escape to the country gets more than 10 minutes viewing, whether the couple concerned a) actually moved to the country -alot of them seem to moan about something in the countryside and b) if they did move are they still there

Buzzybee90

lostinrates wrote: »

I also live on a farm . (My own).

Tractors twice daily, hunt six times a year in area.

Been connected with farms and rural area and city life both all my life. . For me having both has been ideal. Having to choose, one, for me its out of cities every time, but that's because it suits me better. My ideal is to have both.

Tractors here (not mine , my neighbours, start to bring cows in for milking and feed, so certainly not office hours. . We're a little huddle of people who keep the same hours.

Mine is ours too. How many acres do you have? Ours is arable so we don't have the noise from animals, but when we did they were far from our house. My farm is literally in the middle of nowhere and surrounded by our land so any noise we make only affects us, if you lived in the village for example then you'd get no noise from the farms (bearing in mind there's a lot of farms!)

My Dad works 7am-12am in harvest and probably 7am-4pm in the winter so not very unsociable. Half the time they're off shooting in the winter :rotfl:

Edit: just about people being bored in the country... Untrue in my opinion. Up to the age of what, 15? Children are pretty content enjoying the land or meeting up with friends to go shopping/ cinema (we do have these!) by the time they want to go out to pubs etc then they can drive so it's not really an issue.

lostinrates

Buzzybee90 wrote: »

Mine is ours too. How many acres do you have? Ours is arable so we don't have the noise from animals, but when we did they were far from our house. My farm is literally in the middle of nowhere and surrounded by our land so any noise we make only affects us, if you lived in the village for example then you'd get no noise from the farms (bearing in mind there's a lot of farms!)

My Dad works 7am-12am in harvest and probably 7am-4pm in the winter so not very unsociable. Half the time they're off shooting in the winter :rotfl:

Edit: just about people being bored in the country... Untrue in my opinion. Up to the age of what, 15? Children are pretty content enjoying the land or meeting up with friends to go shopping/ cinema (we do have these!) by the time they want to go out to pubs etc then they can drive so it's not really an issue.

We're in a cluster,so my house is nest to neighbours farmyard, and his house is next to two others, one of which is also a farm. Its perfect for us. Because I'm here alone weekdays and my neighbours are just arou d the corner (I'm the only one on my road but they are a pddock and a farmyard away IYSWIM). . Our cluster is stand alone from any village or anything, and yet, we are still easy to GET to a village , a couple of West Country towns and train stations.



That said, we're in a valley, and I can hear lots of our farming neighbours further away, (we're mixed farming area) on clear mornings, so I'm sure people in the villages must too? Its not a complaint, its just a fact of rural life. There is no point pretending its something its not. There is a different sort of noise. (And certainly a preferable one.). If I strain my ears now I can still just hear next door are milking, late for them which means I know its relief milker number one:D. Your farm might be miles from any where, I live in a cluster, the reality is there is everything in between but farmland and farms border non farming land, use roads and impact on non farming neighbours.

Some of our local villages still have operational farm yards IN THE CENTRE of them! They do impact in neighbours, and neighbours are ok with that, its part of the life here

We moved here from a more remote West Country location for ease of (weekly) commute for DH.....an example of compromise of lifestyle best meeting all needs !

We just got a cinema much more locally and went last week.... . But shopping locally isn't that great...again, we have good connections to rail..and tbh......I'd be hoping if we'd have kids NOT to bring them up with shopping as a hobby any way, just a means to and end.

Cottage_Economy

I can see both sides if the argument, and have known a couple who disagreed on this point. They ended up selling their house in west london, he bought a isolated cottage in suffolk, she bought an apartment in London and for 10 years she had the best of both world's - London during week, Suffolk at the weekend.

But they didn't have kids at home, both kids were at uni.

What might work if both YOU and HE can compromise is to have two homes.

Home 1 is a family home that is a 30-45 minute commute for you, somewhere semi-rural where he can have a big workshop in the garden for his hobbies and sort out the kids being picked up, or better yet, if they are old enough, getting some independence and coming home by themselves or partway home with your husband waiting to pick them up.

Home 2 is a rural bolthole for the family for weekends, far enough out that you are relatively alone but close to activities so the kids can go and do stuff.

If he's looking at the Lake District for himself, when does he think he's going to see his children by the way? I live in Northamptonshire and it took us 4 hours to drive to Kendal a few weekends ago on a clear road with no hold ups bar a couple of 50 mph stretches. How often is he going to make that 5hr + journey to see them. Or will he guilt trip you into doing it?

I think your husband's eyes need to be opened to the rural possibilities just outside London to be honest. There are places similar to what he wants within commuting distance for you. And I'm sorry but you do need to compromise yourself and consider a commute.

One spouse can't have it all their own way - and that includes you as well!

Buzzybee90

lostinrates wrote: »

We're in a cluster,so my house is nest to neighbours farmyard, and his house is next to two others, one of which is also a farm. Its perfect for us. Because I'm here alone weekdays and my neighbours are just arou d the corner (I'm the only one on my road but they are a pddock and a farmyard away IYSWIM). . Our cluster is stand alone from any village or anything, and yet, we are still easy to GET to a village , a couple of West Country towns and train stations.



That said, we're in a valley, and I can hear lots of our farming neighbours further away, (we're mixed farming area) on clear mornings, so I'm sure people in the villages must too? Its not a complaint, its just a fact of rural life. There is no point pretending its something its not. There is a different sort of noise. (And certainly a preferable one.). If I strain my ears now I can still just hear next door are milking, late for them which means I know its relief milker number one:D. Your farm might be miles from any where, I live in a cluster, the reality is there is everything in between but farmland and farms border non farming land, use roads and impact on non farming neighbours.

Some of our local villages still have operational farm yards IN THE CENTRE of them! They do impact in neighbours, and neighbours are ok with that, its part of the life here

We moved here from a more remote West Country location for ease of (weekly) commute for DH.....an example of compromise of lifestyle best meeting all needs !

We just got a cinema much more locally and went last week.... . But shopping locally isn't that great...again, we have good connections to rail..and tbh......I'd be hoping if we'd have kids NOT to bring them up with shopping as a hobby any way, just a means to and end.

Sounds idyllic. But no I rarely hear noise. We are very flat so possibly harder to travel? No idea!

lostinrates

Buzzybee90 wrote: »

Sounds idyllic. But no I rarely hear noise. We are very flat so possibly harder to travel? No idea!

. Maybe you are acclimatised? .

I don't think its idyllic, its just right for us, the right compromises ....for now .





We also live near MOD firing ranges :rotfl: