Ex Partner wanting Parental Responsibility 10 years after split

GeraldineA

tatabubbly wrote: »

So you didn't tell her biological dad you were signing over PR to your partner? Eh, why?

I'm going to go against the grain here as a child who was in this situation and say that maybe, just maybe he has changed?

As I've said, I did not have my ex's address, so could not tell him. I suppose I could have written to him via his Mum's address but it wasn't top of our list. At the time, I was pregnant with our son and was unwell. It was likely that I was going to have to spend time in hospital and we wanted to be sure that if my daughter needed medical treatment in the meantime, my husband was able to give consent.

My ex has told me umpteen times that he wants to see our daughter regularly. Unfortunately he does not follow through on this with actions. I told him that he could see her either last weekend or next weekend. I have still not received a response. I sent a reminder about this last night, again not heard anything back.

He chose to move back to his Mum's (4 hour drive away) then more recently to be near his new inlaws (3 hour drive away). He didn't tell me himself about either of these moves. The first time his Mum told me, the second time I saw on social media. Both times he chucked in his job and took over 6 months to find a new one. He and his wife are not bad people, they're generally nice people. However they are also irresponsible and have let my daughter down over and over again. Despite this, I do my best to facilitate contact, but it does need to be on terms that work with the rest of my daughter's life, not just to fit in with them when they can be bothered.

tatabubbly

GeraldineA wrote: »

As I've said, I did not have my ex's address, so could not tell him. I suppose I could have written to him via his Mum's address but it wasn't top of our list. At the time, I was pregnant with our son and was unwell. It was likely that I was going to have to spend time in hospital and we wanted to be sure that if my daughter needed medical treatment in the meantime, my husband was able to give consent.

My ex has told me umpteen times that he wants to see our daughter regularly. Unfortunately he does not follow through on this with actions. I told him that he could see her either last weekend or next weekend. I have still not received a response. I sent a reminder about this last night, again not heard anything back.

He chose to move back to his Mum's (4 hour drive away) then more recently to be near his new inlaws (3 hour drive away). He didn't tell me himself about either of these moves. The first time his Mum told me, the second time I saw on social media. Both times he chucked in his job and took over 6 months to find a new one. He and his wife are not bad people, they're generally nice people. However they are also irresponsible and have let my daughter down over and over again. Despite this, I do my best to facilitate contact, but it does need to be on terms that work with the rest of my daughter's life, not just to fit in with them when they can be bothered.

I'm just thinking if he got wind that PR was given to someone other than the biological parents, maybe this has changed his hand?

Believe me, as a child of divorce, I know what its like to be let down. But you need to give the dad another chance. If you are the one saying no then you will look like the bad guy.

I'm sure you are doing a wonderful job.

Mojisola

GeraldineA wrote: »

He did not keep up regular contact with our child. He would cancel arrangements at the last minute with excuses, such as his flatmate had a cold. Alternatively he would 'forget' which date he had said he would have visits. I tried to get him to have alternate weekends and one night in the week. This worked for a while, but our child started to get upset about going to stay with him and did not want to go. He also took her into nursery in pyjamas on more than one occasion or rang me up and demanded that I pick her up and take her as he was busy.

Eventually I was sick of the excuses so said I wouldn't let him see her until we went to mediation and drew up a formal plan. He did nothing for 2 months, then refused to pay for mediation. After that I did not hear from him for years. Our child continued to see his mother (my daughter's Gran) and eventually she saw him when his mother took her to see him.

In the meantime I got married. When I had my son with my husband, he also took on parental responsibility for my daughter. She decided to call my husband Daddy. Her birth father made little effort at contact, forgetting birthdays or sending present smelling of smoke.

My ex moved about 4 hours drive away. He saw our daughter occasionally, always organised by his Mum. I agreed for her to meet his new partner, who is now his wife. When they were engaged, he then contacted me to ask to see our daughter regularly. I agreed but with the proviso that they must stick to it. They saw her a few times and asked her to be a bridesmaid at their wedding, which I agreed to. They threw a strop when I wouldn't allow her to be taken out of school for the wedding rehearsal.

After they were married, the visits petered out. I didn't hear from them for 5 months. I emailed to ask if they were giving up seeing her. Eventually I got an apology and they said they would try again. I agreed again. They had a baby, then moved to a different location, this time about 3 hours drive away. Visits stopped again, then started occasionally. My daughter does not have a room at their house, despite them having a spare room.

Today I get a letter, evidently cut and pasted from some fathers' website saying he wants Parental Responsibility, to see her every other weekend, to have her alternate Christmases, half of every holiday, to be told when she goes on holiday, etc, etc. I've responded saying I wouldn't agree to PR, as he has not shown himself to be a responsible parent.

tatabubbly wrote: »

Believe me, as a child of divorce, I know what its like to be let down. But you need to give the dad another chance. If you are the one saying no then you will look like the bad guy.

With the background the OP has given, I would want him to show that he could be a responsible parent before he got the bit of paper.

There's nothing to stop him arranging regular contact and turning up at the right time to see his daughter.

pops5588

Mojisola wrote: »

With the background the OP has given, I would want him to show that he could be a responsible parent before he got the bit of paper.

:T Absolutely!! Biology doesn't immediately make you a good father. He has to earn the right to be a part of her life, the older she gets and the more he lets her down the more damaging it could be on the poor girl, OP has every right to be wary!

egoode

I've been following this thread for a while and it does seem the OP has done her best to try and maintain a relationship between him and his daughter and also his wider family.

However his demands just seem to be completely over the top especially the seeing her every other weekend. She is at the age where she has her own social life and will be invited to sleep overs/parties, she may be involved in sports that require a regular weekend commitment, etc. Given he lives so far away it's not realistic for him to have such frequent access.

If I was you I would offer a week for him to see her during the next lot of school holidays and then suggest you sit down after that week to discuss a plan for regular visits that suits yours and your daughters life.

GeraldineA

Well nearly a month later, I've heard nothing further from my ex. He's not responded to any of my emails and has not asked to see our daughter. I've also not had any more letters.

My daughter has seen her Gran once and we've arranged a trip to her Gran's at Easter. She's texted her Dad and step-Mum, they've texted her back a couple of times with pictures of their baby. So really, nothing has changed, not sure what the letter was about but guess I'm relieved he hasn't done anything about going to court.

duchy

Sounds like my ex.
He'd tell everyone what a good Dad he was - how he saw our son whenever he could...... and I do think a part of him believed it.

What others didn't see was how every week he was anything from an hour to two hours late (the M25 was always busy on a Friday night-funny that-) or would call the night before to cancel picking him up as he had to work away ( despite me knowing these trips were never planned last moment) as our son has Aspergers he found these last moment changes really upsetting -kids with autism don't do well with the unexpected last moment change. Over the years he bothered less and less and eventually stopped contacting our son.....who even at the age of 22 is still desperately hurt at his Dad's rejection- It's painful to see -and I still find myself trying to justify his behaviour in the hope that one day he will sort himself out and that my son will not reject him completely (no matter how much he deserves it) if he tries to rebuild. His own father rejected him - frankly he never had a father as a role model just some bloke who cut all contact when he was six and reappeared when he was in his twenties in particually odd circumstances.

How many chances do you give flakely fathers ? Where do you draw the line and stop your child feeling rejected yet again when Dad (no matter how well meaning) lets them down for the umpteenth time ? Fathers rights are all very well but what about the rights of a child to feel loved and secure ?

GeraldineA

Oh dear, looks like I spoke too soon. I've received a letter today asking me to ring them to arrange mediation with my ex. I'm not sure what we are meant to be mediating over, given that he has ignored all my suggested dates for him to see our daughter.

I've rung the mediation place and left a message saying I will meet him but really can't see the point, given he evidently doesn't want to see her anyhow! AAagh why are we going through this charade, could do without it.

I've said the mediation has to be local to me, they were suggesting a venue that was an hour's drive away. I'll see what they come back with.

pops5588

Really sorry you're still going through this GeraldineA. All I can suggest is that now would be a good time to put together a dossier of everything contact-wise over the years. It really helped with my mum's case when she was able to present a thorough list of all the broken arrangements, all the times our calls weren't returned, text messages weren't replied to etc. It might take a good couple of hours, but clearly you can more than demonstrate that you have put time and effort repeatedly into promoting contact between your child and her father.

Obviously I don't know you and my own experiences as a child no doubt make me biased, but reading the situation from the outside in I fear you may end up in court. My father went down the whole mediation route, but not because he actually wanted to mediate he just knew it was a process that had to be initiated in order to get into the court system. Lets face it, if it was genuinely about mediating your ex would have replied to all your attempts at contact.

I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this.

GeraldineA

Thanks Pops. I fear you are right, what a mess. I've emailed the mediation place telling them some of the history and that he hasn't responded to my invitations to see her. I expect they will just say they can't get involved though.

He's so good at convincing himself that he's the wronged one, it's sad that he doesn't put as much energy into something more positive, like getting a job or even just sending his daughter an email.