Ex Partner wanting Parental Responsibility 10 years after split

GeraldineA

Hope people can add their thoughts. I split up with my boyfriend almost 10 years ago. We lived together and had a child, who was one and a half. I asked him to move out and eventually he did, it was my house that I owned before I knew him and I paid the mortgage. He never paid for anything, not even when I was on maternity leave and he was working.

He did not keep up regular contact with our child. He would cancel arrangements at the last minute with excuses, such as his flatmate had a cold. Alternatively he would 'forget' which date he had said he would have visits. I tried to get him to have alternate weekends and one night in the week. This worked for a while, but our child started to get upset about going to stay with him and did not want to go. He also took her into nursery in pyjamas on more than one occasion or rang me up and demanded that I pick her up and take her as he was busy.

Eventually I was sick of the excuses so said I wouldn't let him see her until we went to mediation and drew up a formal plan. He did nothing for 2 months, then refused to pay for mediation. After that I did not hear from him for years. Our child continued to see his mother (my daughter's Gran) and eventually she saw him when his mother took her to see him.

In the meantime I got married. When I had my son with my husband, he also took on parental responsibility for my daughter. She decided to call my husband Daddy. Her birth father made little effort at contact, forgetting birthdays or sending present smelling of smoke.

My ex moved about 4 hours drive away. He saw our daughter occasionally, always organised by his Mum. I agreed for her to meet his new partner, who is now his wife. When they were engaged, he then contacted me to ask to see our daughter regularly. I agreed but with the proviso that they must stick to it. They saw her a few times and asked her to be a bridesmaid at their wedding, which I agreed to. They threw a strop when I wouldn't allow her to be taken out of school for the wedding rehearsal.

After they were married, the visits petered out. I didn't hear from them for 5 months. I emailed to ask if they were giving up seeing her. Eventually I got an apology and they said they would try again. I agreed again. They had a baby, then moved to a different location, this time about 3 hours drive away. Visits stopped again, then started occasionally. My daughter does not have a room at their house, despite them having a spare room.

I had an email asking to have her to stay at half term. I said that as she was busy during the week doing a sports camp, they could come and see her at the weekend. They did not respond. I emailed again last week to try and get a definite answer, no response.

Today I get a letter, evidently cut and pasted from some fathers' website saying he wants Parental Responsibility, to see her every other weekend, to have her alternate Christmases, half of every holiday, to be told when she goes on holiday, etc, etc. I've responded saying I wouldn't agree to PR, as he has not shown himself to be a responsible parent. I just wonder what happens next? I can't believe that 10 years down the line he can suddenly decide to make demands like this. My daughter is 11 and is happy with things as they are.

skylight

If you do not agree to his request, his only course of action is through the courts. There, he will have to prove that he is "worthy" (for want of a better word). However, few people are refused it (less than 2% of 11,000 in 2006 were refused according to a fathers rights type website).
http://www.fnf.org.uk/law-and-information/parental-responsibility

Lots of info there.

And he would have to pay the court fees etc.

mum2one

My ex took me to court to get parental responsibility and his application was thrown out...

GeraldineA

I guess I'd better try and see a solicitor. I might wait and see if he does actually do anything.

I can't see him sticking to what he suggests, even if I did agree. He has made so many promises then broken them. Would the 10 year delay in looking for parental responsibility have any bearing on whether it was granted?

GeraldineA

mum2one wrote: »

My ex took me to court to get parental responsibility and his application was thrown out...

If you don't mind my asking, why was it thrown out? I can't see why my ex should be able to just demand and get PR, when he's not been bothered in the past.

I've tried looking for advice online but it all seems to be written for the absent parents and presumes that the other parent has withheld all contact, which is just not the case.

BitterAndTwisted

Your child is of an age now to have an opinion on the matter, and her wishes should be paid attention to.

For the moment I suggest you say and do nothing. By the time he gets his skates on, your child will probably be an independent adult. I reckon it's all bluster. If he was serious he would have had a solicitor contact you.

belfastgirl23

Do you have records of everything over the years? At least emails etc can be used, eg you tried to contact and had no response. You also have his apology acknowledging that he had not contacted her. This is all helpful.

It sounds like he wants to see her but in a way that's convenient for him. This works for smaller children at least to some degree but by the time children get to your daughter's age they do tend to have other commitments in their lives. I think also his new wife is probably (rightly) concerned that she has a child with him but that he has another child he has not seen. I would guess he has not been entirely honest with her about the reasons for not seeing your daughter since it would not paint him in a good light. I'm wondering if she is putting pressure on him to put pressure on you since she doesn't understand the real situation and he can't back down without losing face.

Is his mother aware of this? Not that you want to put her in the middle but if she is fully aware of the situation perhaps she could talk to him and see if there might be another way to resolve things?

Well done on keeping good relations with her by the way, this in itself should also demonstrate that you aren't witholding contact.

My gut is that this is a storm in a teacup and he will catch himself on, but I can see why you're worried.

squirrelchops

How did your current husband 'get' PR for your daughter? You mention he took on PR for her when son was born. I ask as this could have a bearing on what your ex could do.

FBaby

I was also told that PR is rarely refused. His case is probably boderline in that he has still kept contact, even if sporiadic and she know him as her dad. Does she call him dad?

I understand your reluctance to allow PR, but ultimately, by the time he goes to court and it is granted, she will start having more say about her life than he will so it won't matter so much any longer.

GobbledyGook

Your husband may have taken on the responsibility of being a parent to your daughter, but unless you went through the courts he doesn't have P.R. legally.

mum2one

Sent u a private message x