Ex Partner wanting Parental Responsibility 10 years after split

justme111

I must have.missed something - what exactly do you mind in that list of parental responsibility and why do you object to it ? Ok , in the past he did not manage it well so you stopped the access. But why do you mind it now ? What's so terrible about letting him know when she is taken on holidays for example ?

GeraldineA

Thanks for everyone's responses, it is interesting to hear other people's experiences and thoughts.

I spoke to my ex's Mum today. She had had a copy of the letter, she was not happy about it, as it excludes her. She said she would talk to him but I think their relationship isn't great at the moment.

As I said, my husband has parental responsibility for my daughter. We had to fill in some forms, show our marriage certificate and it was sent back as granted. It's relatively straightforward for step-parents to get PR like this. This was 7 years ago.

GeraldineA

justme111 wrote: »

I must have.missed something - what exactly do you mind in that list of parental responsibility and why do you object to it ? Ok , in the past he did not manage it well so you stopped the access. But why do you mind it now ? What's so terrible about letting him know when she is taken on holidays for example ?

My ex's role in our daughter's life is like that of a kindly but distant uncle. She's quite fond of him but doesn't really rank him as particularly important. Would you be happy if some random relative was suddenly given control over your life and whether you could go on holiday?

My ex almost never rings my daughter. He makes promises, e.g. that he will ring once a week. He does it for 1 or 2 weeks, then once every 3 weeks, then not at all for 2 months. I have made sure that she does not suffer from his unreliability. She knows that she can depend on me and her step-Dad.

My daughter calls my husband Daddy. She knows that she has 2 Dads and refers to her birth dad as Daddy X or just by his first name. It was her own decision to call my husband Daddy, she wanted him to be her proper Daddy, like he was our son's Daddy

It's not just once that my ex let my daughter down. It has happened over and over again over her lifetime. He manages to convince himself that this time it will be different, but sadly it isn't.

I think it is possibly his inlaws who are behind this latest attempt. I'm sure he's told them what a perfect Father he is, and how vindictive I am. He is a good liar and can be very convincing. However I know his wife has also let my daughter down and that she has acknowledged this to me. She promised that when I let them both start seeing her regularly, they would stick to it, whatever happened. This did not happen. Within a few months of their wedding, the visits tailed off then stopped completely.

My daughter is in many ways quite young for her age. I don't want her to be hurt and confused by a court process. She does not want to spend this amount of time with her Dad and his wife. She likes seeing them from time to time, but given the choice she would rather see her Gran. She certainly wouldn't want to spend every other weekend with him, as she would miss out on activities at home.

My ex asked if he could have my daughter to stay next Christmas. Although I found this idea very upsetting, I asked my daughter what she thought. She seemed confused by the idea, she wasn't happy about the suggestion as she wants to spend her special days like Christmas and birthdays with us - her Mum, Dad and little brother, in our home together.

To be clear, I have never stopped my ex's family from seeing my daughter. I have encouraged her Gran and Aunt to stay in contact. I have sent birthday and Christmas cards to them from her. I have also helped her send cards to her new half sister. However I am not prepared to have her birth dad suddenly on a whim taking over her life and making demands of all of us, just because he doesn't want to lose face by admitting what a rubbish Dad he has been in the recent and less recent past.

PeacefulWaters

If you feel that the right thing to do is resist this then you need a solicitor.

But at some point your daughter will probably resent this. You will be the bad person who stopped her seeing her real Dad.

While she might be young I think a mature conversation with her is in order. Be open - tell her what her real Dad wants. Ask her how she feels about that. Don't put words in her head. Tell her how what's happened before made you feel. Ask her if she remembers, but don't put words in her mouth. Remind her how much you love her.

This will mean she feels involved in the decision and understands your concerns. But don't under any circumstances be the one to talk her out of it.

I get a letter, evidently cut and pasted from some fathers' website saying he wants Parental Responsibility

Is this his main priority or does he just want a relationship with his daughter?

to see her every other weekend

Would every other Saturday be a problem?

to have her alternate Christmases

How about suggesting every Boxing Day?

half of every holiday, to be told when she goes on holiday, etc, etc.

Perhaps tag an extra day/night on to the weekends at half term? A week at Easter and two weeks in Summer? Look for the compromise.

I've responded saying I wouldn't agree to PR, as he has not shown himself to be a responsible parent.

A suggestion. Phrases like "you're actions in the past have hurt her" will be more constructive than "you've shown that you're not a responsible parent". If it gets nasty, it will hurt her again.

I just wonder what happens next?

If you google the lead text from the letter you'll probably find out the plan from the web site that supplied it.

It may be to agree a compromise. Fight you all the way. Bring out the solicitors. Try arbitration again in a more mature way.

I think your daughter will resent you making these decisions for her. You might not discover this until her hormones really kick in. She needs to have a say. If that ends up with a structure of visits my own view is that it will be positive for her.

If he lets her down, as he has done in the past, she will form her own opinions about his reliability. In a year or two she might just tell him she doesn't want to go if get continually fails her.

If he's violent or abusive to her, or puts her in danger, then please ignore the above.

If he's simply been scared of his commitment to her or a tad unreliable then I think, as her real father, courts will support his request (NB I am no solicitor). Finding a compromise without the need for courts might be better for all parties.

Then your daughter can reach her own conclusions about him over time.

Good luck. These things are very, very difficult.

samtoby

If he is on the birth certificate after a particular year he will have it automatically. My son is nearly 10 and my ex has it as he is on the birth certificate.

Kayalana99

I think your worried over nothing given his track record - what stands out to me is he asked to have her for a holiday and was told he couldn't because she was already away at a sports trip.

Cue him complaining to *someone* who told him don't you have PR? They have to let you know when she goes away.... then you get a letter through the door demanding PR.

I might be wrong - but given the events why PR? Why not just ask to see her more first if he hasn't had regular contact why this new issue?

It seems to me its done in a slightly spiteful attempt so he can have her at his convenience.

You've done right to allow him contact and should continue (and I wouldn't feel bad about xmas as you've asked her opinion as well), but I doubt you will be getting court papers through your door.

Also - as above posters have said at the age of 12 the child is considered old enough to make their own choices.

peachyprice

Probably not going to be very popular, but does it really matter if the has PR? He's been in and out of her life in the past, do you think a piece of paper is going to make him change his ways?

As above, if she'd been born a little later he's have it automatically anyway, would that have made him a better dad? I doubt it.

It's not going to take PR away from your husband, it just means she'll have an extra layer.

Fighting him on this and dragging it through the courts is only going to hurt one person, your daughter. She's past the age where she has no say in what happens to her, at 11-12 she's old enough to speak up for herself if she doesn't want to do something with him so him having PR now really isn't going to make very much difference to her, only to you.

GeraldineA

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

If you feel that the right thing to do is resist this then you need a solicitor.

But at some point your daughter will probably resent this. You will be the bad person who stopped her seeing her real Dad.

This will mean she feels involved in the decision and understands your concerns. But don't under any circumstances be the one to talk her out of it.

Is this his main priority or does he just want a relationship with his daughter?

Would every other Saturday be a problem?

I think your daughter will resent you making these decisions for her. You might not discover this until her hormones really kick in. She needs to have a say. If that ends up with a structure of visits my own view is that it will be positive for her.

If he lets her down, as he has done in the past, she will form her own opinions about his reliability. In a year or two she might just tell him she doesn't want to go if get continually fails her.

If he's violent or abusive to her, or puts her in danger, then please ignore the above.

If he's simply been scared of his commitment to her or a tad unreliable then I think, as her real father, courts will support his request (NB I am no solicitor). Finding a compromise without the need for courts might be better for all parties.

Then your daughter can reach her own conclusions about him over time.

Good luck. These things are very, very difficult.

Thanks for your thoughts. Can I point out that I have not stopped my daughter seeing her father. In fact I said he could see her this weekend. He has not said yes or no, which as usual leaves us all in limbo.

My daughter spent a week after Christmas, including new year with her fathers family. I have tried very hard to ensure that she knows who they are and has a good relationship with them. I've talked to my daughter about when I was with her dad, she has photos of us together.

My ex has chosen to live 3 hours drive away from us. This means that when my daughter stays with them, there is a lot of driving and so it isn't practical for her to visit for one day. Even a weekend is very tiring for her.

My ex and his wife have both chosen not to work. They moved away from his job and family. I find it difficult to see how, if I did agree to so many visits, they would be able to afford the petrol every other weekend. I know when my daughter does visit them, her step mums parents pay for everything for her and I'm not comfortable with that.

I don't see that it makes sense to agree to this plan just to call his bluff. It is my daughter who will end up hurt and confused. I feel it is my job to protect her from her fathers flakiness.

peachyprice

But how is refusing him PR and dragging it through the court protecting her from his flakiness?

Just because he has a piece of paper saying he has PR doesn't change a thing, he still wouldn't be able force an 11-12yo to see him any more than he can now.

Having PR and access are two very different things, PR doesn't automatically give him the rights to demand time with a girl old enough to make up her own mind whether she want to see him or not. No court in the land would let a father dictate to a child of that age when she has to see him.

It wouldn't change a thing, if he's too foolish to realise that, well that's his problem, his perfect daddy ship sailed a long time ago.

Kayalana99

It does give him rights to say if she can leave the country tho does it not? So he could stop her having holidays out of spite if say she didn't want to stay for xmas.