Ex Partner wanting Parental Responsibility 10 years after split

pmlindyloo

GeraldineA wrote: »

Thanks Pops. I fear you are right, what a mess. I've emailed the mediation place telling them some of the history and that he hasn't responded to my invitations to see her. I expect they will just say they can't get involved though.

He's so good at convincing himself that he's the wronged one, it's sad that he doesn't put as much energy into something more positive, like getting a job or even just sending his daughter an email.

I do think it would be in your best interest to attend mediation.

Usually before a parent goes to court for a Parental Responsibility order or a contact order the court will insist upon mediation.

http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_relationship_problems_e/ending_a_relationship_when_you_re_living_together.htm

It is usually true to say that courts rarely refuse these orders as they believe that a child should maintain contact with their birth father. The usual exceptions are when the father is found to be an 'unfit person' - eg drug user

If you can agree contact etc with the father then it is unlikely to go to court.

The fact that the father has not stuck to previous arrangements etc etc will, I believe, have no bearing on any court case.

I have great sympathy for you and thousands of people find themselves in this position but the legal system starts with one premise - ie the father should be allowed contact with the child.

Just go to mediation. Assure him that he can have access and agree times and meeting places/how the child will get there (meet half way/whatever) Be the 'nice guy'.

Then, sadly, you will have to cope with the fall out when he doesn't stick to the arrangements. At least, from the court's point of view you have not stopped him seeing his daughter.

The good news is that if you get an agreement made up through mediation them he will not be able to go back to court if you have kept your side of the 'bargain.'

GeraldineA

I've said I will go to the mediation, as long as it is arranged near where we live. I have however queried the purpose, as it is my ex who has chosen not to come and see our daughter. I've sent him dates, he doesn't respond.

pops5588

GeraldineA wrote: »

Thanks Pops. I fear you are right, what a mess. I've emailed the mediation place telling them some of the history and that he hasn't responded to my invitations to see her. I expect they will just say they can't get involved though.

He's so good at convincing himself that he's the wronged one, it's sad that he doesn't put as much energy into something more positive, like getting a job or even just sending his daughter an email.

Just keep strong and keep going. The truth does always comes out in the end and although it may take some time you can hold your head high in the knowledge that you have done all you can.

pops5588

pmlindyloo wrote: »

The fact that the father has not stuck to previous arrangements etc etc will, I believe, have no bearing on any court case.

Of course it does! By the time these cases reach court it's because all other methods of contact and mediation have failed and it is down to each party to put together a "case" as it were to justify their position. Absolutely everything is deemed potentially relevant.

You are correct in saying that "the legal system starts with one premise - ie the father should be allowed contact with the child" but unfortunately in this scenario the only parent who has been trying to work with this premise is the mother!

GeraldineA

Surely the premise is that the child should have contact with both sides of their family, not that the father has the right to contact?

That's the problem really, it's about my ex wanting control rather than my daughter seeing her Dad.

pmlindyloo

pops5588 wrote: »

Of course it does! By the time these cases reach court it's because all other methods of contact and mediation have failed and it is down to each party to put together a "case" as it were to justify their position. Absolutely everything is deemed potentially relevant.

You are correct in saying that "the legal system starts with one premise - ie the father should be allowed contact with the child" but unfortunately in this scenario the only parent who has been trying to work with this premise is the mother!

I think you have misunderstood what I said (sorry, obviously didnt' word it properly)

I'll try again!

Yes, the OP can tell the court (if it gets that far) that the father has not kept to the arrangements but this will not stop the judge agreeing to the contact order.

There is very little that can be done to MAKE someone keep to these orders.

The usual scenario is when the mother is refusing to allow the father contact.

In the case we are discussing this is just about the father's inability to keep to arrangements.

GobbledyGook

GeraldineA wrote: »

Surely the premise is that the child should have contact with both sides of their family, not that the father has the right to contact?

That's the problem really, it's about my ex wanting control rather than my daughter seeing her Dad.

You are right. As far as the courts are concerned it's not the parents who have the rights - it's the child.

The fact that your daughter has contact with his family, facilitated by you, will help show the courts that you are the one with your daughter's best interest at hearts.

Keep all contacts between you, I'm in a different scenario, but I kept a diary specifically for contacts. Basically a back up to the texts and emails and keep a note of everything as it will help show that you are focussing on what is important (the contact) rather than the paper trail

GobbledyGook

pmlindyloo wrote: »

I think you have misunderstood what I said (sorry, obviously didnt' word it properly)

I'll try again!

Yes, the OP can tell the court (if it gets that far) that the father has not kept to the arrangements but this will not stop the judge agreeing to the contact order.

There is very little that can be done to MAKE someone keep to these orders.

The usual scenario is when the mother is refusing to allow the father contact.

In the case we are discussing this is just about the father's inability to keep to arrangements.

However the court will take it into account with regards to the order.

So if the parent applying to the court is demanding every/alternate Christmas or to insist their permission is required for holidays or to take the child on a two week holiday or even down to insisting on a say in what secondary school their child attends, but they don't even bother to keep to a once a month weekend visit at the moment or haven't been in contact with the child for three months (for example) the court is less likely to give them exactly what they demand.

pmlindyloo

GobbledyGook wrote: »

However the court will take it into account with regards to the order.

So if the parent applying to the court is demanding every/alternate Christmas or to insist their permission is required for holidays or to take the child on a two week holiday or even down to insisting on a say in what secondary school their child attends, but they don't even bother to keep to a once a month weekend visit at the moment or haven't been in contact with the child for three months (for example) the court is less likely to give them exactly what they demand.

I was not discussing that but you're right about the terms of the contact.

I am not sure what the OP wants as an outcome.

Obviously the father sticking to any arrangement would be the best outcome but this isn't controllable is it?

pops5588

pmlindyloo wrote: »

I think you have misunderstood what I said (sorry, obviously didnt' word it properly)

I'll try again!

Yes, the OP can tell the court (if it gets that far) that the father has not kept to the arrangements but this will not stop the judge agreeing to the contact order.

There is very little that can be done to MAKE someone keep to these orders.

The usual scenario is when the mother is refusing to allow the father contact.

In the case we are discussing this is just about the father's inability to keep to arrangements.

Understood

It really is a shame, especially when the OP has done so much not only to try and preserve her daughter's contact with her father but also with her grandmother. I wouldn't wish this process on my worst enemy.