Daughter's friend

thatgirlsam

Hi everyone


My dd is 14, her best friend is a boy, it is obvious that is going to be / is gay. Her and her friends accept this and it doesn't matter a jot to them. She has a good close knit circle of lovely friends, he is totally part of that circle and they all get on great. He isn't friends with any boys in particular and obviously identifies and gets on better with the girls.


A couple of times she has asked if he can have a sleepover. I don't feel comfortable with this cos he is a boy. I think it is more to do with the fact of what will other people think (I feel a bit ashamed of that!!)


Also its in the back of my mind that they could still experiment and am I asking for trouble. Although they could do that anytime couldn't they!! They spend time in the day alone in her room, I'm fine with that


This boy is really a great kid, and I feel bad that he is kind of missing out on the normal things that teens do, have sleepovers, discuss boys etc


Why should he be excluded from this type of thing because he is gay?


So just wondering what other people think, would do in this situation

daisiegg

I had a big group of friends including boys and girls as a teenager and I'm sure our sleepovers started being mixed around the age of 14 or 15. Everyone was straight but they did not turn into shocking hormone fuelled orgies! Tbh there was more risk of girls experimenting with each other at sleepovers at that age than with boys, in my friendship group at least....

If you are happy for them to be in her room in the day, is there any way they could do all the sleepover bit with the movies and chatting etc but then he sleeps somewhere else (sofa, spare room)? Or could they both sleep in the living room with the doors open and you frequently walking by the door/popping in, coming down in the night for a glass of water, just so there isn't the feeling that they have complete privacy?

At the end of the day, if they are going to 'experiment' they will do it one way or another and it is very difficult for you to stop them.

gazebo

without being harsh, have a proper read at everything you have said and think - the only person excluding him from things is you

as the parent of a fourteen year old, you are within your rights to say ok, he can stay over but I'd be happier if he slept on the sofa.

His sexuality appears to be your hang up, not the more natural worry of what happens if they experiement, should I let my daughter have a boy over to stay.

As a gay person myself, it annoyed me when my mother was more concerned about what others would think of her, rather than making sure I was ok - it's not all about you

Alikay

I usually allowed sleepovers for mixed gender groups (10 or so assorted teens in sleeping bags on our living room floor was quite common!) but probably wouldn't have allowed 1-to-1 boy/girl in the same room. Sexuality and the type of relationship between them isn't always clearly defined at that age (is it at any age?), but gender is, so it seems fairer to make any sleepover rules based on that IMO.

poet123

I wouldn't have a problem with it, but because he is a boy (who may or may not be gay) I wouldn't allow him to sleep in her room.

hawk30

gazebo wrote: »

without being harsh, have a proper read at everything you have said and think - the only person excluding him from things is you

as the parent of a fourteen year old, you are within your rights to say ok, he can stay over but I'd be happier if he slept on the sofa.

His sexuality appears to be your hang up, not the more natural worry of what happens if they experiement, should I let my daughter have a boy over to stay.

As a gay person myself, it annoyed me when my mother was more concerned about what others would think of her, rather than making sure I was ok - it's not all about you

Honestly, I really don't get what you have written as being from the OP's post. She states that her issue is that he is a boy (not because he is gay) and what others will think about her letting a boy stay over. Others who presumably don't know that he is gay.

daisiegg

hawk30 wrote: »

Honestly, I really don't get what you have written as being from the OP's post. She states that her issue is that he is a boy (not because he is gay) and what others will think about her letting a boy stay over. Others who presumably don't know that he is gay.

Yes, I got this too.

gazebo

because the OP has started out by saying the boy is or might be gay, identifies more with girls etc- then mentions that she worries about what others will think in the context of allowing a boy to stay over

my point really is that the issue is less to do with sexuality and more to do with genders, hence the part about him being assumed to be gay is actually not particularly relevant.

I do understand my original post was not particularly clear on that point and I also know we will all have our own opinions.

The main point the OP made her post presumably was to ask should she let her daughter have a boy stay over and what would people do

lostinrates

I'd take the sexuality issue aside for a minute.

As daisy rightly said girls can experiment together and friends of mine who have been gay, (definitely did not feel bisexual at that time) and proud are now married to women. Sexuality is complex, fluid and probably less fixed for some of us than for others.

I'm not a parent. But I think i 'd almost certainly allow sleep overs if the boy slept in a different room/sofa or they slept with the door open.

Its fair to take some measures to make yourself feel comfortable, and I'd not feel that reaching compromise about how these took place was too draconian personally.

Kynthia

gazebo wrote: »

without being harsh, have a proper read at everything you have said and think - the only person excluding him from things is you

as the parent of a fourteen year old, you are within your rights to say ok, he can stay over but I'd be happier if he slept on the sofa.

His sexuality appears to be your hang up, not the more natural worry of what happens if they experiement, should I let my daughter have a boy over to stay.

As a gay person myself, it annoyed me when my mother was more concerned about what others would think of her, rather than making sure I was ok - it's not all about you

I don't see what you see. My interpretation is that the boy's sexuality is not the issue at all but his gender is.


OP as others have said, if it's a big group crashing in the lounge then I'd be fine with it. If it's just two or three in her bedroom then I'd ask that the boy sleeps in a different room when you're off to bed yourself.

Person_one

I'd just let him stay, wherever. They're close friends, he's probably gay, I assume your daughter is probably straight.

The chances of them wanting to do anything remotely sexual together are really really slim. They'd probably both just have a 'yuk' response to the idea.