Expecting a baby - family dilemma

DKLS

Its much better for your sanity levels if you refuse to tolerate toxic people and behaviour in your life.


It took me a long time to learn but am happy sinceI got rid of the parasites and toxic people in my life.

RobotsinDisguse

Oh hunny, I can emphasise a little (I have a toxic mother), and as you know I'm also pregnant.

I can't say 100% I'd be string enough to cut ties, as I do know how that 1% of family bond can niggle away. I do like others ideas to let your mum know when baby is born, and just leave it open and up to her. If you do keep in touch or meet at a cafe etc, it must have the condition that always her ex husband (I can't call him you Fxxxxx) and your bad-brother are excluded from participating or hearing anything. That might make her feel special (yugh!) enough to keep the brother out of things.

vanessav wrote: »

At the moment you may feel that you don't have resentment about what your family did. But once you become a mum yourself, you could become appalled all over again by what your mother did to you. When you See your daughter's vulnerability and need for care and unconditional love it could make you wonder afresh how on earth your mother could have hurt you the way she did to make herself feel better.
I don't think you should make any moves in the direction of your mother or brother at the moment.

That made am cry Vanessav. It's so true.

Scrapaholic

Go back OP and read your first post and imagine that it's someone else's . Most people would love to have a supportive , loving family and a mother and daughter bond . Sadly , this doesn't always happen . Don't look ahead too far and think your daughter will ask about her other grandma . She might , but as long as she's got her parents love , she'll be fine . Sounds as if your in laws are really looking forward to her arrival . Think of yourself , your OH and baby as you don't need extra stress now . Good luck .

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I tried to keep contact with my mother. I let her have the girls occasionally.



She shoved the eldest down the stairs when she was eleven.


They never told me, they knew I would have done something permanently damaging to my future. But they made every excuse under the sun not to go again, even sorting out childcare by themselves on the rare occasions I was stuck 'that's alright, Mum, we've been asked to stay for the day at x's'.

I could tell they didn't want to spend any time in her midden, and they didn't particularly like her, so I didn't force them - they told me independently over the last year what happened and that they didn't give a toss about ever seeing or hearing from her again. The eldest is 21 and the youngest is 14.

TBH, the youngest is incredibly astute - she said that she's surprised in a way that they didn't end up battered kids with what I had as a parent, and she's sorry she was a bit of a brat because she knew I would never treat her badly - but she was glad that I never tried to force them to see her again.



So no, don't worry - you won't be hated for protecting your baby.


(Oh, and I have one brother who thinks our mother is an angel. The rest of us know differently, so he just doesn't get told anything that she could use)

Mojisola

mysecretalias wrote: »

I just don't know what to do. Part of me thinks yeah, just give it one chance.

The other (wiser) part of me feels extremely uncomfortable opening the door again.

I don't want her assuming I've just forgotten everything that she's done to me (which she will if I get in touch)

Oh and before anyone makes the suggestion of sitting down with her and trying to explain how hurt I am about it all etc etc, I had tried that several times whilst I was still living there and she just closes her ears to it, she doesn't want to know.

wiggywoo is dealing with much the same issue -
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4805353
"I could scream sometimes cos I just want a mum, to help out, to hug me, to be able to talk to without it being manipulated or thrown back. I don't have a family anywhere else cos of my dad's death and I just feel- well- like an orphan or something."

Unfortunately, we can't change people just because we are related to them and want them to be our vision of a good mother.

I think you and wiggy are amazing because, despite the bad example that you have had, you want the best for your children.

Listen to your OH and enjoy being part of his family.

mysecretalias

Jojo I'm so sorry to hear what happened with your mother and your children. That's truly awful, and how awful as well that your children didn't tell you, but it sort of makes sense I guess, I would probably end up in prison if that had happened and I knew about it - your children sound wise beyond their years! I only hope I can raise mine to be like yours.

Robots didn't realise you had a mother like this also Hun, I'm so sorry to hear it. I wouldn't wish half the things I've gone through on my worst enemy. The worst thing is you grow up being brainwashed to think it really is you, you're the problem, it really is all your fault. Then one day you wake up and realise that's all total s**t. I've realised that now, but in occasionally do subconsciously switch back to the mindset of thinking it must be my fault. I try to stop myself when this happens though because it's not good for my emotional well being, nor my baby's. I do refer to them as my brothers father and my mothers son most of the time, because it makes me shudder thinking of them as any kind of father or brother.

Vanessa your comment made me cry too, thank you.

Poppie thank you for your advice. You're right, all I can do is talk to my daughter and if she asks, tell her I am different to the rest of that family (I say that family because I don't feel like I am part of it, thankfully)

Daisydukes congratulations and thank you for taking the time to comment

Thank you to everyone else also for your comments and advice. I'm so glad I've finally taken the step to put this dilemma out there onto a public forum with 'strangers' and have had so many positive responses. It affirms my heart and my gut instincts and I am certainly going to now not contact my mother until she contacts me. It's made me a little emotional knowing there are so many lovely people on this forum who go out of their way to offer such great advice and insight into their own situations so thank you ok pregnant hormonal lady rant over

I will though do as lannieduck and a couple of others suggested, and simply text her when baby is born to let her know out of courtesy. Though she will no doubt know verse and chapter already as I'm sure my brother will have run and told her every detail!! It's just a pity as I love my brother very much, he and I have both been through a lot, but I do have to be careful about what I tell him because I know he goes and tells my mother everything I say straight away. He can't help it, he's just gotten too used to being her little whipping boy to want to fight against it

marisco_2

Families are complicated and can be wonderful or toxic and everything in between. Sure we all hope that our children will be surrounded by loving grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins etc. In your case it would be very unlikely that this would happen, even if you did initiate contact with your mum again. Something that cant be at all easy for you to face and accept. The experiences you have been through have clearly had a deep and upsetting impact on you. Know that by choosing to walk away and not look back, you will actually be saving your own daughter from a lot of negativity. My advice is that you invest all your time and energy now into creating the happy home and family life you missed out on.

mysecretalias

Mojisola wrote: »

wiggywoo is dealing with much the same issue -
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4805353
"I could scream sometimes cos I just want a mum, to help out, to hug me, to be able to talk to without it being manipulated or thrown back. I don't have a family anywhere else cos of my dad's death and I just feel- well- like an orphan or something."

Unfortunately, we can't change people just because we are related to them and want them to be our vision of a good mother.

I think you and wiggy are amazing because, despite the bad example that you have had, you want the best for your children.

Listen to your OH and enjoy being part of his family.

Thanks mojisola I'm crying again now reading your comment. I have followed wiggy's thread closely and commented a couple of times. I think she is amazing, I certainly don't think of myself as amazing though. I do, I suppose, feel like a survivor for not letting my experiences make me a bitter and twisted person - but that's been after years of on and off anti-anxiety medication, and many stretches of counselling. But thank you for thinking I'm amazing!!!

You're so right though, I felt the same as wiggy for a long time, I wanted to cry and scream and shout 'it's not fair, why me????' For not having either parent as a proper parent. But through the counselling I realised that I can't do anything to change that - all I can do is change my mindset and stop letting it make me stressed and depressed all the time. It was stopping me from living my life and being happy. It certainly isn't anymore :j

And typing those last couple of sentences 'out loud' have definitely sealed it for me - I'm not going back 'there'. I'm going to live my life and build my family and if she wants to be a part of that, she can make the first step. In the meantime, I am determined not to lose any more sleep over it!!!

Mojisola

mysecretalias wrote: »

I think she is amazing, I certainly don't think of myself as amazing though.

Well, you are.:)

It would be so easy for you to learn to handle relationships the same way you've seen your mother do. To have the strength to see the problems it causes and step away from it and live your life differently shows your true character.

mysecretalias

Thank you mojisola I always say that I think my brothers got more of the genes from my mother and father, and I managed not to inherit a lot of it. This, I think, coupled with the fact that when my father did certain things when we were younger, I was the one who was expected to 'parent' my brothers and hide things from them to protect them, is why i think I've subsequently turned out to be fairly 'normal' and can have normal relationships whereas both of my brothers can't seem to function this way. I was bitter for a long time about the fact that I was the one who protected and raised my brothers when my mother was hiding away crying that nothing was fair, and subsequently to have this seemingly thrown back in my face by pretty much everyone, but I'm not anymore.