Expecting a baby - family dilemma

marisco_2

mysecretalias wrote: »

I was bitter for a long time about the fact that I was the one who protected and raised my brothers when my mother was hiding away crying that nothing was fair, and subsequently to have this seemingly thrown back in my face by pretty much everyone, but I'm not anymore.

You are clearly a very astute and intelligent person. Your strength of character enabled you to cope with and come through challenges as a child and young woman, that many adults would have struggled to deal with.

The arrival of your own baby will no doubt be a lovely time and I am sure that you will be a total natural. Prepare yourself for the possibility that as you give her your undivided attention and put your all into caring for and loving her, it may bring uncomfortable feelings to the surface and reinforce to you, just how much you suffered and lost out on through your own childhood.

If you do get these feelings my advice is not to bottle them up. Confide them in your husband, closest friends, health visitor or maybe even consider looking into counselling if you feel this may benefit you. In short don't let your past negatively affect your future. I wish you lots of luck.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

marisco wrote: »

You are clearly a very astute and intelligent person. Your strength of character enabled you to cope with and come through challenges as a child and young woman, that many adults would have struggled to deal with.

The arrival of your own baby will no doubt be a lovely time and I am sure that you will be a total natural. Prepare yourself for the possibility that as you give her your undivided attention and put your all into caring for and loving her, it may bring uncomfortable feelings to the surface and reinforce to you, just how much you suffered and lost out on through your own childhood.

If you do get these feelings my advice is not to bottle them up. Confide them in your husband, closest friends, health visitor or maybe even consider looking into counselling if you feel this may benefit you. In short don't let your past negatively affect your future. I wish you lots of luck.

BUT...if it doesn't come naturally, don't let fear or selfhatred or any one of a hundred emotions get in the way of asking for help.

Even women who have grown up in the most perfect families with extensive experience of caring for babies and children can feel hopelessly out of their depth when they have a child of their own, even before you take into account the natural feelings of being tearful and vulnerable that frequently happen within the weeks after childbirth or where you have some quite natural fears (which can feel worse if you're already down).


Your OH sounds like a good man; you can trust him to reassure you if you are brave enough to ask him 'Do you think I'm doing the right thing?', whether it's about feeding, whether to pick baby up, or anything else that causes you a moment's doubt.


You don't have to be the perfect mum. You don't have to overcompensate for other's shortcomings - you just have to do the best you can, taking all the help you can and taking all the breaks you can.



When I compare the feelings of complete terror and helplessness I had with my eldest to the peaceful summer mornings I spent with my youngest, they seem a million miles apart. With one, I heard all the negative comments I had ever been told in my life. I was terrified to do anything because I was certain whatever I did would be wrong. With the second, I knew I could do it. I knew I wasn't like my mother. I knew I wasn't any of those things she had always said I was. I knew it would be different for my girls.


So I would get up for the baby, take her into the living room and sit in the early June sunshine with her, just feeling at ease, breathing in the smell of her hair, enjoying the time of not doing anything other than being with her.


And then she'd chuck up over my PJs.



Kids, eh?



You've got wonderful times ahead. Look to those - the past has happened and it wasn't right, it wasn't fair - but you don't need to carry that forward in any way. Leave the people who caused those times in the past.

mysecretalias

Marisco and Jojoba what can I say but wow....thank you for such kind and motivating as well as reassuring words. You've brought a real big smile to my face this evening. I'm really looking forward to being a mum, and if it doesn't come naturally straight away then I do have a very strong OH to work with me as a team. We are a little family all by ourself. Who needs the rest

RobotsinDisguse

mysecretalias wrote: »

I felt the same as wiggy for a long time, I wanted to cry and scream and shout 'it's not fair, why me????' For not having either parent as a proper parent. But through the counselling I realised that I can't do anything to change that - all I can do is change my mindset and stop letting it make me stressed and depressed all the time. It was stopping me from living my life and being happy. It certainly isn't anymore :j

And typing those last couple of sentences 'out loud' have definitely sealed it for me - I'm not going back 'there'. I'm going to live my life and build my family and if she wants to be a part of that, she can make the first step. In the meantime, I am determined not to lose any more sleep over it!!!

Well that's made me cry hunny, in a good way. You're stronger than you realise. You'll be a wonderful mum, because whatever obstacles you face you'll work through them with you husband.

Thank you also for your sympathies. I am currently having therapy for depression, and it's helping me realise I can't change anything other than my reaction.

We didn't speak for a very long time after she accused my fianc! of being a wife beater, simply because I didn't have time on His birthday to see her for hours.
She's one reason why my Amnio was so stressful.. It was on her bday so I had to cancel seeing her and she shouted at me, calling me selfish and attention seeking then hung up and didn't call for 3 weeks to find out if I was ok or if baby was.

I realise my mothers toxicity is not comparable to yours, I but I wanted to share that my councillor told me the very fact I'm aware of my parents shortcomings and neglectful parenting means I'm already lined up for doing a better job... Which means you will be too x

liley9

Hi I rarely post but had to on your thread. I hope your doing well in your pregnancy and things are going well its such a emotional time anyway with all the hormones flying around.

I was very much in your situation with my mother first thing I would say is if she really cared about you and your pregnancy and she has known since December where's the mother in her not to contact you I have 2 girls and I would at least try even if they didn't answer.
I think at a certain time you come to the point even though that little part of your brain thinks she's still my mam which mine always did and sometimes does now you will realise there are people in this life that take all your energy and drag you down and you really don't need them in your life.
Make a new family with your partner and new baby and leave them to their negative thoughts and lives. Hope everything goes well for you with your new bundle of joy.

sacha28

mysecretalisa, this has absolutely struck a cord with me (cue many MSE eyes rolling as most know my story lol!).

My little boy is nearly 2 and my mother has never met him, nor will she ever. My mother is vile and toxic and I in no way want my LB to be surrounded by that.

When I was pregnant I also had a 'wobble' trying to decided whether I should tell her or not. I went round in circles for weeks. I finally decided that I had entered a phase in my life where I was truely happy and I had 27 years of abuse, unhappiness, desperation, and loneliness finally behind me and felt that all of those feelings would come back if I contacted her again. The day my mother slammed the door in my face she slammed the door on any right she may've had to know any details on my life.

I too am in contact with one of my brothers. He is getting married in May and I have had to politely decline his invitation. I have explained, in the best way possible, that this is because it is his and his fiance's day and I just know my mother wouldn't be able to resist causing some form of trouble. I am gutted but I am trying to protect him.

When I look at my LB and feel the immense love and pride I find it impossible to imagine how ANY mother can treat their child in such an appalling way. My boy is my life, my world, and I burst with love every time I look at him. I would be devastated if I thought, for one second, he held me in contempt, as I do my mother.

Your OH is talking sense but only you can make that decision, it's a very personal one that you will have to live with for the rest of your days.

mysecretalias

Thank you robots. I too had a lot of counselling for my family problems. The counsellor was brilliant and taught me to be strong and live for myself. I'm glad it sounds like your therapy is working for you too. It's just a real shame because I already upped and left home once when I was 19 due to all the issues, and when I moved back for a couple of years I really thought things would be better, that my mother would have realised that she already almost lost me once and that our relationship would be better due to me making this stand and doing something for myself, but it just made things worse, and it just proved to me that some people never ever change.

I'm so sorry to hear that's why your Amnio was even more stressful. I can't comprehend how your mother would have made you feel like that on that day of all days. It's just the 'me me me' attitude that I can't stand and that's what I get with my mother and my brother unfortunately.

Liley9 thanks so much for commenting, your post made me very emotional. But you're totally right. It literally does boil down to the fact that my mother has now known for almost 2 months that her only daughter is having her first grandchild and she's not so much as bothered. Not a phone call, a text message, nothing. The only thing was the reply to my text on the day of my 20 week scan, simply saying congratulations. As if a courtesy reply. And then nothing. I would understand if I had done something terrible to her in the past, but I did not. It does shock me how someone would treat their child with such contempt and coldness.

Sacha28 I'm so sorry to hear of your problems. Your third paragraph literally echoes me word for word (in my head). I, at 28, finally feel like I've entered the first part of my life where I am genuinely, truly, happy and carefree. And to realise that I'm actually sitting here contemplating opening that door again, after I too pretty much had it slammed in my face (for background I left early 2013 after my mother told me she 'felt it was best I look for somewhere else to live' basically because she couldn't handle the fact that for the first time ever I was telling her things about her parenting skills that she did not want to hear, then refusing to be a shoulder to cry on any longer when for the umpteenth time she came crying to me about my brother threatening to burn the house down because she asked him to do his washing up, and then subsequently refusing to play happy families with her every time she felt like it), is just bizarre. Why would I want to go back to such stress? And I know I am still angry about things that happened because even thinking about this stuff makes me a little angry. But I'm not bitter about it anymore. I'm more angry thinking that a year after I've left she's still there, with him, letting him bully her and make everyone else miserable.

You sound like a wonderful mother sacha, what a shame that you can't go to your brothers wedding but I would do exactly the same in your situation. A similar thing happened with me and I didn't go to my Nan's funeral due to my father being there. I often get frustrated with my brother wondering how on earth he cannot see what she is really like and put his foot down, but he's just too much of a sap and after all, she's the only parent he's got - he, unlike my other, horrible brother, has also cut our father out of his life so she's all he's got, apart from me - but he tends to cut me off every so often for a few weeks when she's been able to dig her claws into him. I've not heard from him at all since my 20 week scan

paddy's_mum

Why would anyone keep trying to turn the clock back, shake up the events of the past so that things turn out differently, or as he/she hoped they could or would be? Those events, people and unhappinesses are not like some huge pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that if you move them around a bit and try them in different positions will suddenly fit perfectly and give a lovely picture of a rosy life.

Leave it all behind. It is poisonous and still has the power to hurt and harm ... but only if you let it.

You are no longer a child with no power. You can choose to escape so why don't you?

Tygermoth

I would like to chime in with a word of warning...

I find Toxic mothers back off during the baby phase as they cant compete. How can they? its a slap in the face of their 'me me me' mentality.

However please be prepared for contact when baby is a bit older.

Suddenly its will be all about 'being grandma' and they will use it as a stick to poke you with they will use the potential of building a relationship (with you both) as a form of emotional blackmail. This is the danger zone, and is the point when most inadvertently let crazy back into their lives.

This may not happen with your mother, mine is a narcissist so its slightly different.

I thought i would let you think on that so if it did happen you would be forewarned and forearmed.

(i will admit i may be projecting a bit here )

And you will do great as a mum, you are self aware and know what you want for your daughter a stable happy drama free home.

Kayalana99

Think you've moved on from the whole not knowing their grandparent but just to add also as another personal experience, my OH doesn't know his Dad's mum and have never met anyone on his dads side, their was some big falling out before he was born and he doesn't even know why they won't say!

When I was pregnant with my first he went through this as well - I think having a baby makes you think about family and how important they are (your direct family...so makes you think about the bigger picture) and he started saying our son is going to have a whole family he doesn't know. (His dad doesn't speak to anyone on his side and they live away)

Yet roll on 2 years later, he received a facebook message from his 'Great Aunt' just saying..I am your great aunt.

He debated for a couple days if to reply and then just turned round to me and said if his Dad chooses not to speak to them then these aren't the kind of people I want in my life...and that was the end of it.

That said I'm still bloody curious to what happened I wonder if we will ever find out!