Expecting a baby - family dilemma

mysecretalias

onlyroz wrote: »

Just playing devil's advocate here, but don't you think she might have been a little upset that *you* hadn't told her about the pregnancy, and that she had been told by somebody else? This might just have given the slightest impression that you weren't bothered if she knew or not, and so might have curtailed her enthusiasm for becoming a grandma somewhat.

Either way, it sounds like you're better off going your own way. Focus on your own family and do your best to make sure that your child gets a better up-bringing than you did.

Onlyroz thank you for replying. Yes you're entirely correct I suspect. I have no doubt she was upset that I hadn't told her. I also fully suspect that this gave her the impression that I was not bothered. That's not what upsets me. What upsets me is that she hasn't sat down and thought 'hmmm....my only daughter is having her first baby yet she hasn't told me yet, I had to hear from my parents, and she doesn't seem that bothered about telling me.......why could this be????'

She just doesn't for once think about the underlying reasons about WHY I would choose not to be in contact with her - she knows these reasons full well, but she refuses to see them because that would mean her dealing with the fact that she's not particularly been parent of the century to two of her children.

Thank you. I'm no longer resentful about my childhood - it's just made me more determined to give my daughter the best childhood ever, and family growing up who love her unconditionally. I would never want my daughter to feel like she had no choice but to leave my home to avoid me or her brothers and sisters, and I am determined not to bring my children up like this.

mysecretalias

Bennifred wrote: »

OP - you are making your own family now so just concentrate on that. I doubt very much that your mother and brothers will ever change so why invite stress into your life by pursuing contact?

Many children have little or no contact with all of their grandparents for one reason or another and come to no harm at all as long as they have loving parents.

How do you get on with your OH's parents? Maybe they could partly take on the roles you wish your parents were capable of.

Bennifred thank you. You talk a lot of sense. I get on like a house on fire with OHs parents, they've always been very supportive of me, and I know they will be fantastic grandparents to our daughter. If anything I'm worried about them being too OTT with our little one - it's like the news of the century!!

Poppie68

Your husband is correct...you have an amazing life ahead with a beautiful daughter...im a mother of 3 girls and they are my heart, i adore them.
My family were crap aswell, none of them have really had anything to do with my girls, they are all young adults now and my eldest has a little girl of her own now. She is 9 months and i did'nt realise i had so much room left in my heart for another.
When my girls were young i did sometimes sit and brood about my family and it made me sad that circumstances had pulled us all apart, but i have an amazing husband and a heart full of 4 girls.
Little girls are an absolute joy....relax and just look forward to the future with your own little family.

onlyroz

mysecretalias wrote: »

She just doesn't for once think about the underlying reasons about WHY I would choose not to be in contact with her - she knows these reasons full well, but she refuses to see them because that would mean her dealing with the fact that she's not particularly been parent of the century to two of her children.

Most people are extremely short-sighted when it comes to their own short-comings.

So you can either confront her directly about them (which might make you feel better but probably won't change anything), continue to seethe with resentment (which won't do you or the baby any good), or you can hold your head up high knowing that you are the better person, and get on with your life without her input if necessary.

If your mum later decides that she does want to be involved then you can reassess, but don't expend any effort expecting or hoping for it to happen.

mysecretalias

Poppie68 wrote: »

Your husband is correct...you have an amazing life ahead with a beautiful daughter...im a mother of 3 girls and they are my heart, i adore them.
My family were crap aswell, none of them have really had anything to do with my girls, they are all young adults now and my eldest has a little girl of her own now. She is 9 months and i did'nt realise i had so much room left in my heart for another.
When my girls were young i did sometimes sit and brood about my family and it made me sad that circumstances had pulled us all apart, but i have an amazing husband and a heart full of 4 girls.
Little girls are an absolute joy....relax and just look forward to the future with your own little family.

Thank you poppie and congratulations on your granddaughter

Did your girls growing up ever question why your family weren't around much? What did you say to them and how did they react? Did they want to seek some members of their family out even though you didn't really have contact with them?

I just want to be prepared for a time when my girl says 'why don't I have a nanny on your side, only daddy's side' or something similar. I don't know what I will say. I guess I will just say oh me and my mum never got on very well but what if she questions me further? I'm probably overly worrying - think I should just worry about these things when they happen!!! Lol

I'm also terrified if my father is still alive when my daughter is old enough to be contacted by him, say at 16, 18 etc. I do not want my daughter having anything to do with my father, or my brother, but I can see my father playing the long game and waiting until my daughter is a bit older, and then finding some way of meeting her and trying to make a relationship. The thought makes me feel physically sick. But I would never want to tell my daughter the true reasons why I am estranged from him because I don't want to ever tell her the things I've been through.

Poppie68

mysecretalias wrote: »

Thank you poppie and congratulations on your granddaughter

Did your girls growing up ever question why your family weren't around much? What did you say to them and how did they react? Did they want to seek some members of their family out even though you didn't really have contact with them?

They just excepted things as they were, they have always had my husbands side of the family. When they were teenagers we did sit an talk about things, but it has never effected them because we both adore them and they know it.

I just want to be prepared for a time when my girl says 'why don't I have a nanny on your side, only daddy's side' or something similar. I don't know what I will say. I guess I will just say oh me and my mum never got on very well but what if she questions me further? I'm probably overly worrying - think I should just worry about these things when they happen!!! Lol

She might one day ask but just be honest, tell her you and your family are just different people and hopefully one day thngs will be different. When they are young they ask a question but are never really interested in the answer, they are just curious.

I'm also terrified if my father is still alive when my daughter is old enough to be contacted by him, say at 16, 18 etc. I do not want my daughter having anything to do with my father, or my brother, but I can see my father playing the long game and waiting until my daughter is a bit older, and then finding some way of meeting her and trying to make a relationship. The thought makes me feel physically sick. But I would never want to tell my daughter the true reasons why I am estranged from him because I don't want to ever tell her the things I've been through.

That time is a long way off, if you daughter grows up without him by the time she is 16-18 she will know the truth, well as much of the truth that you want her to know.
My girls know things about my life as a child and it has strengthend our bond but i thought it was important for them to understand why my relationship with the family is like it is, none of it has ever effected them.
. Never play the victim with your daughter be strong and she will grow strong too.

daisydukes79

If you were my mum, and I your daughter, I would much rather you had no contact with people who cause you so much hurt than trying to rebuild a relationship for my sake. My own mum has family members who make her feel like this and I have said to her there is no point keeping people in her life who just make her unhappy.

Ps I am due my number 2 baby a week before you don't stress yourself out at what should be a wonderful time x

Kynthia

Stop worrying about what you 'should' do; do what you and your partner want and trust your instincts. Who decided on this 'should' action? You're putting unnecessary pressure on yourself. Do you really think your future daughter wants you to have the relationship with your mother that you will actually have with her? It would be different if you could have the relationship you want with her but you know that's not going to happen. So relax, enjoy your pregnancy and make nice memories.

LannieDuck

I would wait now and send another text to let her know when baby's born. See how she replies then and follow her lead.

If it's a similarly dis-interested reply, then you can go about your own business knowing that you gave her an opportunity to seek out further contact. If she suggests she'd like to meet up, then take it from there - maybe as someone else said, in a neutral place and just a short meeting.

vanessav

At the moment you may feel that you don't have resentment about what your family did. But once you become a mum yourself, you could become appalled all over again by what your mother did to you. When you See your daughter's vulnerability and need for care and unconditional love it could make you wonder afresh how on earth your mother could have hurt you the way she did to make herself feel better.
I don't think you should make any moves in the direction of your mother or brother at the moment.