Expecting a baby - family dilemma

his_missus

mysecretalias, IMO you opened the door when you made the effort in texting Mum to tell her you were pregnant. She has chosen to not continue "the conversation" after her congratulations text so you do not need to justify yourself to your unborn child in later years.

You need now to put you and your family first and enjoy life. I hope the pregnancy goes well xxx

fivetide

Having read the thread I can only think your mum is nuttier than squirrel excrement.

You are better than that. You've got away, don't let them drag you back. I'm sure your OH's family will be more than delighted with their new relative and if they are like him, welcome you all with open arms.

Run, don't walk away and don't look back I say.

mysecretalias

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Why would anyone keep trying to turn the clock back, shake up the events of the past so that things turn out differently, or as he/she hoped they could or would be? Those events, people and unhappinesses are not like some huge pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that if you move them around a bit and try them in different positions will suddenly fit perfectly and give a lovely picture of a rosy life.

Leave it all behind. It is poisonous and still has the power to hurt and harm ... but only if you let it.

You are no longer a child with no power. You can choose to escape so why don't you?

I think you must misunderstand me, so apologies. I am under no illusion that I can change my family situation, or make anything turn out differently. I think I said several times I had come to terms with realising things will never change. When you grow up for 20+ years being brainwashed into a certain mindset it can be very difficult to break away. I don't remember 90% of my childhood because I think I've deliberately blocked it all out to save me emotionally. It breaks my heart when my OH sits there and remembers stuff that happened when he was 3 or 4. I don't really remember much before the age of 12-13. And even after that it was mostly bad. But I wouldn't want to turn the clock back to try to change this. It's made me a stronger person, after many years of working on myself emotionally.

Also - I have escaped. I left and I'm living my life for myself now. I simply wanted advice on whether people on here thought it was a good idea to TRY and have a civil relationship with my mother away from everything else, for the sake of my unborn child. Unlike the past, I would have done this on MY terms and under MY control - as it is following many peoples wonderful and helpful advice on this thread I have now made the decision not to do this and to just move on with my life and if she chooses to contact me then I will deal with that if it happens.

I guess some people might find it easier to deal with never having had either a mum or a dad to support them and love them unconditionally, than others. I am one of the ones in the middle. I found it very easy to cut both out, for different reasons, but being pregnant with my first child had put a slightly new perspective in it for me, in terms of my mother. I guess I realise how protective I already feel over my unborn daughter, and it makes me wonder all over again how on earth she can be so cold and just not seem to want to make any sacrifices for me or show me any love whatsoever.

mysecretalias

Tygermoth thank you for your advice. I will definitely bear in mind. My mother is definitely not a narcissist, she does have some narcissistic traits within her but nowhere near full blown!!

I could see her not wanting to know for a while and then suddenly (possibly when my brother has finally grown tired of her and found some unsuspecting poor girl to shack up with and take advantage of instead) trying to insert herself into my life when she's got not much else left in hers. I will tell you now though, I will give her a damn hard time if this happens. I certainly won't let her straight in with open arms and I can't ever see a situation happening where I would let her look after my daughter or anything.

Sorry to hear that you have mother issues also

mysecretalias

Kayalana that's really strange as my OH has a similar situation where his dad doesn't speak to any of his family either. However we (because of Facebook) do have a little contact with a couple of OHs cousins on this side and it was them who contacted me and OH when we announced we were expecting, to invite us for dinner. They are really lovely people - but they aren't the family members that OHs dad doesn't specifically speak to as far as I'm aware. We still don't know why OHs dad doesn't talk to his family but he won't ever pry or ask why. It is all a bit mysterious to me too! However they aren't crazy like my family so I think we will stay in touch with them I guess you just have to make your own decisions really and do what you think is best and follow your instincts. Hope everything works out for you

mysecretalias

Fivetide and his missus thanks both for your advice and I do agree. I think I've definitely made the decision to let it go and not instigate anymore contact. The ball is in her court now.

sacha28

Oh Tygermoth, how right you are!!! Only Monday my brother told me that my mother would 'really like to build bridges and, perhaps, meet XXXX' (my LB). My answer to that was 'well she can like then, can't she. Not going to happen'. I wasn't being difficult but any bridges burned down over 5 years ago and they are not going to be re-built.

mysecretalias, your brother's mentality sounds very similar to my brother. My mother put him into care when he was just 9 years old (her reason was that he reminded her of his dad, who abused my sister and I. He was 9 years old !!!!!!!!) and she agreed to his foster family adopting him when he was 11. My mother pulled the plug when it came to signing the papers, despite not having any contact with him since he was taken away (I still cry when I remember the social worker coming, breaks my heart). She didn't speak to him for 10 YEARS, only phoning when his foster dad died suddenly. My brother bends over backwards to maintain the relationship they now have and it infuriates me. She treated him so terribly and yet he has forgiven her. I don't understand it but he knows I'm there when they have 'words' and that's all I can do. He's nearly 28 so I have to respect him as an adult, even tho he is still my 'baby' brother!!!!

With every year that passes the anger will dissipate, I promise you. 5 years after the last time I saw her I no longer feel angry or bitter and am strangely at peace with not having family in my life. I don't miss her, I don't long for her, I don't need her. I have my wonderful OH and my amazing, beautiful son and I have friends that are worth 100 of my mother. What more could I ask for?

mysecretalias

Sacha28 so sorry for what you and your brother have been through, that must have been terrible, it's really positive that you are strong these days and no longer angry about it, it is a real shame though that your brother still seeks your mothers attention and approval despite what she's done to him.

That's really what frustrates me about my brother. There have been so many times in the past when she should have protected him but she didn't. After his suicide attempt he came out of the hospital and we had to convert a downstairs dining room into his new bedroom because we needed a hospital bed and other equipment in there and he wasn't physically able to do stairs for a long time (it was a really hard year). He eventually got rehabilitated and made the brave decision to go back to uni and finish his last term, he had to have an adapted room there and stuff but he was determined and he went with lots of support from various services etc.

But as soon as he went to uni, my other brother basically decided to move himself into the adapted room because it was downstairs so he didn't have to walk down the stairs every ten minutes to smoke in the garden. When my brother came back from uni after a few weeks, he had to sleep on the sofa in the living room, because that piece of whatever decided he not only had the new bedroom downstairs, but also his old bedroom upstairs to use as well. All of this baring in mind he doesn't work, study, or pay my mother a single penny whatsoever in rent/bills....nothing.

What did my mother do? You would think she would make a stand, insist he get out of the downstairs room which had been specially adapted and move permanently back to his bedroom upstairs. She did NOTHING. She let my brother struggle on, sleeping on the sofa in the living room whilst at the same time still having many mobility issues, all the while having all of his belongings (i.e. DVDs, his game machines etc) stolen by his brother who was now inhabiting two bedrooms in the house. And he never once made a stand against my mother and put his foot down either.

It made me sick to my stomach knowing of this. And it's just one of hundreds of examples that I could literally spend all night typing out, to demonstrate just how sickening the relationship is between my mother and her youngest son. He does whatever the hell he wants to do. She stands by and lets him do it, and then whinges/cries behind his back (so as not to upset him) to anyone else who will listen about how much of a bully he is and how he has no respect etc etc.

It's stuff like that, that still makes me feel angry - because I can see my brother still putting up with being treated like second best by my mother whilst the brother who does nothing but make other peoples lives miserable gets it all on a plate and basically sits there and laughs as he knows full well he has his mother right where he wants her and always will.

Thinking about it all just makes me sick to my stomach. Even thinking of that house or ever going back makes me want to vomit. It's just a real shame because I really can see him physically doing her damage one day, or going a step too far and setting fire to the house when she is sleeping one night. Ultimately whatever happens, he will win - because she won't grow a backbone and read him his rights.

Sorry, I've ranted again I was initially trying to demonstrate how frustrated I get that my brother puts up with being treated like this, and still goes running back to her and feeds her information about everyone else like he's her bloody skivvy. I just don't get it. But I guess that's why she's decided to cut me out of her life - because I'm the only one who goes against the grain and tells her all the things she doesn't want to hear, in the hope that it'll one day sink in. Well I gave up on doing this a long time ago and I won't do it again.

sacha28

That's the best thing you can do. Just focus all of your time and attention giving your LO the best life she can have.
Every day I worry I'm going to turn out like my mum, this gives me the push I need to do things differently. Our family home is a world away from the home I intermittently grew up in. It's full of happiness, laughter but most of all LOVE.
It's hard, I have real issues with disciplining my LO because of the violence that blighted my life and I find he can sometimes run rings around me and I don't want him to feel the fear that I felt for so long. I know there is a HUGE difference between laying down boundaries and abusing my LB but I find it hard to get that into my head!!

I am sure you're going to be a wonderful mother. All of the negativity that has surrounded you will only have a positive effect on your parenting methods, it will make you try that bit harder to do things the best way for your family. You are already showing that you unborn is the most important person in all of this. I admire that.

You rant away my lovely, get it out of your system, I've done a fair bit of ranting over the years and it made me feel much better

mysecretalias

Thank you sacha xxx