Expecting a baby - family dilemma

mysecretalias

claire16c wrote: »

I dont see the point in trying to restart the relationship just because of the baby coming. If anything its a reason not to if its likely to cause more stress etc.

At the end of the day, she is the parent. If she hasn't bothered to contact you since you told her you were pregnant, then why is anything else going to change when you actually have the baby? I cant imagine why she would suddenly become a great grand mother.

I think your husband is right. And if your mother wants to get involved, then she could do the leg work to prove shes interested, whereas if you are the one to initiate contact all the time and it doesnt work, all that will happen is you will get hurt.

Thank you Claire everyone is telling me exactly what the rational side of me is feeling and thinking, I guess having been brought up around these people who are unfortunately my family, 1% of me will always hold some tiny little feeling of wanting to make something work. After everything that my mother has done, stupid naive me still sometimes pictures her sitting there crying about the fact that her only daughter is having her first grandchild and she's not been involved in it. And I KNOW that's ridiculous - because I know for a fact she has brought this on herself. But somehow, it still tugs on my heartstrings for a split second every so often before I pep talk myself into thinking more rationally.

I know that's stupid, it's probably the pregnant lady hormones

mysecretalias

PuzzledDave wrote: »

Opening the door to a violent brother (uncle to be) and hopeless mother (grandmother to be) does not seem the best way for a new life.

You asked about feeling guilty about not leaving the door open - you did when you let her know about the pregnancy / she was told about it - the next step is clearly in her court (a single one word text really, really doesn't count).

Thanks puzzleddave - you're totally right, by texting her and telling her despite my better judgement, I did what I thought was right, I told her about it, I even started the text with 'hi mum' so it was a nice text, and she simply texted back a few hours later saying congratulations, and I haven't heard from her since. I did even at the time say to my other half that I could see her typing that reply through gritted teeth because what she really wanted to do was send me a reply that made me feel guilty for not telling her sooner, for her not being the first to know, etc etc and about 25 other things she would have wanted to make me feel guilty for, so I guess I should feel lucky I only got a congratulations!

So yes, you're right, I have left the door open now, and it should damn well not be my responsibility to text her again to try and make an effort - it should be hers. Maybe I'm just scared she never will.

carefullycautious

I'm afraid I've forgotten the correct terminology for this but there is always a member of the family who can see just what is going on. In this case you.

Your mother enjoys her victim role, hence why your father and now her son treats her so badly. If she in any way wanted to stop all this she would.

She, nor your brother wants you interfering in their relationship if you can call it that.

I'm sure someone who studies psychology will be able to explain this better and let you know the correct name for you role in all this.

You are going to have to decide if you really want your child around these dysfunctional people. I know I would not.

This is good reading

http://www.angriesout.com/grown20.htm

DigForVictory

Short on time, so I'll be brief.

Love your immediate family - husband, baby girl.
Keep the rest at arms length. (Or bargepole - whichever is convenient.)

*They* can always write.

Hoping you have an easy happy pregnancy & delivery & all the very best of luck!

Lara44

I think you have to go with your gut feeling on this one. I wouldn't contact your estranged family any further during pregnancy as it sounds so stressful! Maybe you and your brother should avoid talking about your Mum altogether.

When your little girl arrives there will be an opportunity for you and your Mum to get back in touch if you would like that. You could arrange to meet in a neutral place for coffee and take it from there, making sure to keep meetings in control and on your own terms. From your post I think you know that nothing major is going to change in the family dynamics even if contact resumes, and only you can judge whether it would be beneficial to sustain a more distant connection. I don't think your little one will mind one bit about not having a 'nana' etc. Plenty of kids don't for a wide variety of reasons and the only thing that matters is that you are looking forward to giving your child all the love you can.

onlyroz

mysecretalias wrote: »

This is why it surprised me that I was a little upset when I found out she had been told I was having a baby on Christmas Day, and she hadn't bothered to contact me.

Just playing devil's advocate here, but don't you think she might have been a little upset that *you* hadn't told her about the pregnancy, and that she had been told by somebody else? This might just have given the slightest impression that you weren't bothered if she knew or not, and so might have curtailed her enthusiasm for becoming a grandma somewhat.

Either way, it sounds like you're better off going your own way. Focus on your own family and do your best to make sure that your child gets a better up-bringing than you did.

mysecretalias

carefullycautious wrote: »

I'm afraid I've forgotten the correct terminology for this but there is always a member of the family who can see just what is going on. In this case you.

Your mother enjoys her victim role, hence why your father and now her son treats her so badly. If she in any way wanted to stop all this she would.

She, nor your brother wants you interfering in their relationship if you can call it that.

I'm sure someone who studies psychology will be able to explain this better and let you know the correct name for you role in all this.

You are going to have to decide if you really want your child around these dysfunctional people. I know I would not.

Carefullycautious, thank you - your post made me smile - you've hit the nail on the head. I've always been that person. Even when I was younger and begging my mother to kick my father out because I knew what was going on would only get worse and worse and it did. She didn't even kick him out in the end, but an incident happened in the house involving him which meant she had no choice but to not allow him back.

The relationship between her and my brother is what I would call 'mutually destructive and toxic' they feed off of each other's resentment at the world not giving them everything on a plate. My mother is just resentful because she feels all alone and from my late teens onwards I've always gone out and lived my life (before this I pretty much played the role of her emotional punchbag after what happened with my father). She hates me for the fact that I've had challenges, overcome them, and am now happy and successful.

I think it's why she latches into my brother and gives him everything he wants - because she knows he will always be there with her as company (if you can call him that, i certainly would not). My other brother and I have full time successful jobs and are responsible adults, and he is just a leech. But it suits her, because she likes having the leech around. And it suits him, especially now that I am gone from the house, because he can do whatever he likes with her and she will just put up with it.

My other (nice) brother attempted suicide 4 years ago because things got too much, and she was encouraged to seek counselling to help her stress. She went to the first session and didn't go after that. From what she told me at the time (or what I translated it as) the counsellor told her some things she didn't want to hear, so she just didn't go back. That pretty much sums her up.

mysecretalias

DigForVictory wrote: »

Short on time, so I'll be brief.

Love your immediate family - husband, baby girl.
Keep the rest at arms length. (Or bargepole - whichever is convenient.)

*They* can always write.

Hoping you have an easy happy pregnancy & delivery & all the very best of luck!

Thank you that made me cry a little bit

Bennifred

OP - you are making your own family now so just concentrate on that. I doubt very much that your mother and brothers will ever change so why invite stress into your life by pursuing contact?

Many children have little or no contact with all of their grandparents for one reason or another and come to no harm at all as long as they have loving parents.

How do you get on with your OH's parents? Maybe they could partly take on the roles you wish your parents were capable of.

mysecretalias

Lara44 wrote: »

I think you have to go with your gut feeling on this one. I wouldn't contact your estranged family any further during pregnancy as it sounds so stressful! Maybe you and your brother should avoid talking about your Mum altogether.

When your little girl arrives there will be an opportunity for you and your Mum to get back in touch if you would like that. You could arrange to meet in a neutral place for coffee and take it from there, making sure to keep meetings in control and on your own terms. From your post I think you know that nothing major is going to change in the family dynamics even if contact resumes, and only you can judge whether it would be beneficial to sustain a more distant connection. I don't think your little one will mind one bit about not having a 'nana' etc. Plenty of kids don't for a wide variety of reasons and the only thing that matters is that you are looking forward to giving your child all the love you can.

Thanks Lara. Yes, my brother and I already avoid talking about her (the exception was the baby, as soon as I told him our news, he was on at me constantly about telling her - I think he thought she would blame him if she realised he knew all along and she did not and I wonder whether this has in fact happened, as I've not heard much from my brother in the last 4 weeks either so maybe he's been told off for not siding with her)

Your plan for the future sounds entirely sensible. I think at the moment unless she does get in touch, I will just do the right think and concentrate on MY little family, and not worry about other people. When baby is born, then I can re-evaluate the situation.