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Expecting a baby - family dilemma
mysecretalias
Posts: 567 Forumite
Hi everyone
Hope you don't mind me creating a new thread for this, I am part of the pregnancy thread and originally wrote this intending to go on there but then I realised how long and lengthy it was and I didn't want to take the thread over with my family issues!!!
I'm 28 and 25 weeks pregnant with my first baby.
To cut a VERY long story short, I've always had a very difficult relationship with my family (my mother, brother aged 25 and brother aged 23) - my mother is very naive and weak and generally worships the ground the 23yr old walks on. 23yr old is an extremely unpleasant and lazy person, never worked or studied and lives with mum still, lays in bed every day doing nothing, and threatens violence if my mother ever tries to lay the law down, so she just doesn't bother anymore and the house has gone downhill ever since. 25yr old brother is a lovely person, but basically has tunnel vision when it comes to our mother - she can do no wrong in his eyes and he gets very irate when he feels anyone is suggesting she is wrong about anything. My father is not on the scene anymore having left the house when I was 16, after a long period of abuse towards me and my mother.
Sorry, ranting already. So basically, I lived at home for a short period of time after moving out of an old flat I had in 2010. This caused major problems, because I saw first hand that nothing had changed with my mother and brother and she would constantly come crying to me about how he was being a bully to her. Eventually I had enough of giving her the same advice over and over again and it never being listened to, and told her a few things about her parenting skills that didn't go down too well, and after this she decided she would use her stress caused by my brother, to make my life a misery instead. She decided to start telling me I couldn't use the oven, or washing machine, she started telling me my other half couldn't ever stay over, she generally just completely cut me out of her life and wouldn't acknowledge me being around unless she wanted to cry to me about something that my brother had done. I always tried to keep out of the way after this, but it was a misery. I had serious health problems at the time and had surgeries, intensive medical treatments etc but she never once showed any concern for me. I moved out early last year because it was making me ill, and my OH and I had started to have problems because he was so sick of the way I was being treated.
When I moved out, I just left - I didn't tell them where I was going because I was scared for my safety (brother had made threats towards me including many other things he did which I won't go into)
Anyway fast forward to now, and I'm having a bit of a dilemma. I texted my mother out of courtesy after my 20 week scan to tell her I was having a baby and it was a girl, the first time I had contacted her in almost a year (this after my other brother who I'm still in touch with made me feel ridiculously guilty from 'keeping it' from my mother - he has always had tunnel vision when it comes to my mother, and thinks it's my brother only who causes the problems and that my mother is a poor little saint who suffers through it - which isn't true. My nan and grandad told my mother eventually, I had told them on Christmas Day by phone, and I got a horrible text from brother I still talk to saying how 'devastated' she was that i hadn't included her in anything - all on the morning of my 20 week scan which I thought was incredibly thoughtless of him) and she texted me back saying congratulations, and that was it. I don't know what I expected but I was a little upset that she had known since Christmas Day and hadn't texted me before I texted her. I guess I shouldn't have expected any different though, she has always been 'woe is me' and generally quite self centred.
Me texting her after my 20 week scan was 4 weeks ago and I have not heard a single thing from my mother since. My OH says good riddance to her and the whole family, I am better off without them (he has seen first hand how much damage they have done to me in the past and he has never liked any of them, even the brother I do still see, as he doesn't trust him). My best friend agrees, but she has started saying maybe I should get in touch with my mother now to see if she wants to meet up, so that I can simply tell my daughter I tried to make a relationship work for her sake, if my mother doesn't want to know.
I just don't know what to do. Part of me thinks yeah, just give it one chance. The other (wiser) part of me feels extremely uncomfortable opening the door again. I don't want her assuming I've just forgotten everything that she's done to me (which she will if I get in touch) and also I don't want to open any sort of avenue to my brother finding out where I am, having any information about me whatsoever. I'm also still very angry about things that have happened (one thing in particular being that she allowed my brother to call the police round to the house to falsely accuse me of stealing from him which on the whole was a complete joke and when my other half called him out on it the whole thing was dropped, whilst my mother sat there like a sap going along with everything he said - needless to say the police didn't so much as give him the time of day as soon as they turned up and saw how he was - a complete mess in general). I just don't know how I can try and make a relationship with her, given how angry I still am about her enabling her son to treat me and my other brother this way.
Oh and before anyone makes the suggestion of sitting down with her and trying to explain how hurt I am about it all etc etc, I had tried that several times whilst I was still living there and she just closes her ears to it, she doesn't want to know. I don't want to stress myself out by bringing the past back - I'm pregnant and trying to lead a calmer lifestyle and not get so stressed about it all!!
Sorry I'm aware I've ranted and taken over probably a whole page, I just don't feel like I can talk to anyone in real life about it, because people who love me have such opposing opinions and have seen how much my family have hurt me that it's difficult to get any sort of rational advice from them.
Hope you don't mind me creating a new thread for this, I am part of the pregnancy thread and originally wrote this intending to go on there but then I realised how long and lengthy it was and I didn't want to take the thread over with my family issues!!!
I'm 28 and 25 weeks pregnant with my first baby.
To cut a VERY long story short, I've always had a very difficult relationship with my family (my mother, brother aged 25 and brother aged 23) - my mother is very naive and weak and generally worships the ground the 23yr old walks on. 23yr old is an extremely unpleasant and lazy person, never worked or studied and lives with mum still, lays in bed every day doing nothing, and threatens violence if my mother ever tries to lay the law down, so she just doesn't bother anymore and the house has gone downhill ever since. 25yr old brother is a lovely person, but basically has tunnel vision when it comes to our mother - she can do no wrong in his eyes and he gets very irate when he feels anyone is suggesting she is wrong about anything. My father is not on the scene anymore having left the house when I was 16, after a long period of abuse towards me and my mother.
Sorry, ranting already. So basically, I lived at home for a short period of time after moving out of an old flat I had in 2010. This caused major problems, because I saw first hand that nothing had changed with my mother and brother and she would constantly come crying to me about how he was being a bully to her. Eventually I had enough of giving her the same advice over and over again and it never being listened to, and told her a few things about her parenting skills that didn't go down too well, and after this she decided she would use her stress caused by my brother, to make my life a misery instead. She decided to start telling me I couldn't use the oven, or washing machine, she started telling me my other half couldn't ever stay over, she generally just completely cut me out of her life and wouldn't acknowledge me being around unless she wanted to cry to me about something that my brother had done. I always tried to keep out of the way after this, but it was a misery. I had serious health problems at the time and had surgeries, intensive medical treatments etc but she never once showed any concern for me. I moved out early last year because it was making me ill, and my OH and I had started to have problems because he was so sick of the way I was being treated.
When I moved out, I just left - I didn't tell them where I was going because I was scared for my safety (brother had made threats towards me including many other things he did which I won't go into)
Anyway fast forward to now, and I'm having a bit of a dilemma. I texted my mother out of courtesy after my 20 week scan to tell her I was having a baby and it was a girl, the first time I had contacted her in almost a year (this after my other brother who I'm still in touch with made me feel ridiculously guilty from 'keeping it' from my mother - he has always had tunnel vision when it comes to my mother, and thinks it's my brother only who causes the problems and that my mother is a poor little saint who suffers through it - which isn't true. My nan and grandad told my mother eventually, I had told them on Christmas Day by phone, and I got a horrible text from brother I still talk to saying how 'devastated' she was that i hadn't included her in anything - all on the morning of my 20 week scan which I thought was incredibly thoughtless of him) and she texted me back saying congratulations, and that was it. I don't know what I expected but I was a little upset that she had known since Christmas Day and hadn't texted me before I texted her. I guess I shouldn't have expected any different though, she has always been 'woe is me' and generally quite self centred.
Me texting her after my 20 week scan was 4 weeks ago and I have not heard a single thing from my mother since. My OH says good riddance to her and the whole family, I am better off without them (he has seen first hand how much damage they have done to me in the past and he has never liked any of them, even the brother I do still see, as he doesn't trust him). My best friend agrees, but she has started saying maybe I should get in touch with my mother now to see if she wants to meet up, so that I can simply tell my daughter I tried to make a relationship work for her sake, if my mother doesn't want to know.
I just don't know what to do. Part of me thinks yeah, just give it one chance. The other (wiser) part of me feels extremely uncomfortable opening the door again. I don't want her assuming I've just forgotten everything that she's done to me (which she will if I get in touch) and also I don't want to open any sort of avenue to my brother finding out where I am, having any information about me whatsoever. I'm also still very angry about things that have happened (one thing in particular being that she allowed my brother to call the police round to the house to falsely accuse me of stealing from him which on the whole was a complete joke and when my other half called him out on it the whole thing was dropped, whilst my mother sat there like a sap going along with everything he said - needless to say the police didn't so much as give him the time of day as soon as they turned up and saw how he was - a complete mess in general). I just don't know how I can try and make a relationship with her, given how angry I still am about her enabling her son to treat me and my other brother this way.
Oh and before anyone makes the suggestion of sitting down with her and trying to explain how hurt I am about it all etc etc, I had tried that several times whilst I was still living there and she just closes her ears to it, she doesn't want to know. I don't want to stress myself out by bringing the past back - I'm pregnant and trying to lead a calmer lifestyle and not get so stressed about it all!!
Sorry I'm aware I've ranted and taken over probably a whole page, I just don't feel like I can talk to anyone in real life about it, because people who love me have such opposing opinions and have seen how much my family have hurt me that it's difficult to get any sort of rational advice from them.
Our first baby due 25th May 2014 :T
Maternity leave fund: £3000/£6000 :T
Maternity leave fund: £3000/£6000 :T
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Comments
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I respect what you've said about being able to tell your daughter that you tried to maintain a relationship with her gran but, do you really want to be in the position where you see inviting such a toxic environment into your daughter's life?
I know it's hard, I know you will always second guess whatever decision you make. You have to be clear with your mother if you end up meeting up that your brother will have nothing to do with it and, most importantly, if things don't change then that is it and make sure you are prepared to walk away.
It doesn't matter what feelings are hurt, your moms or your brothers, this is about your child. Xxx0 -
IMO sorry for not posting much I was never good for advice!
But you sound just like my best friend - she grew up with my pratically in school but lived with her Dad - her mum was unbearable but she seeked 'mother love' because her Dad didn't know how to show her affection. (He would give her all money in the world but hugs off the table kind of relationship)
She spent near 7 years before she gave up contact with her Mum, her mum brought her down...treated her like nothing...putting her brother on a throne & she went in head first without listening to anyone because of her 'need' to have a mother only to cry on my shoulder again and again and again..
The fact is some people are dealt good cards and some people are dealt bad cards...and although alot of people would say you should always try...I don't believe this at all some people aren't worth having a relationship with.People don't know what they want until you show them.0 -
I agree with your husband. Listen to him!0
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AnnieO1234 wrote: »I respect what you've said about being able to tell your daughter that you tried to maintain a relationship with her gran but, do you really want to be in the position where you see inviting such a toxic environment into your daughter's life?
I know it's hard, I know you will always second guess whatever decision you make. You have to be clear with your mother if you end up meeting up that your brother will have nothing to do with it and, most importantly, if things don't change then that is it and make sure you are prepared to walk away.
It doesn't matter what feelings are hurt, your moms or your brothers, this is about your child. Xxx
Thank you Annie, this is exactly where my other half is coming from and it's also how I feel. I don't want to expose my daughter to the things I got exposed to. It's a miracle I turned out fairly normal considering. I just don't want to end up feeling guilty that I didn't at least try a little bit. I also have the dilemma of my girl growing up and asking why I never speak to my mother and me having to decide what to tell her. I'm just feeling so torn right now. I guess it just doesn't help that my mother hasn't even made the effort to send a single text the last 4 weeks to find out how I'm doing or anything. My brother hasn't even passed on that she's asked how I am or anything. I get that she realises I left because I don't want anything to do with them (this is I assume how she will feel, rather than that I had good reason to leave, as she refuses to realise how toxic the environment was that she was allowing to exist) but hello, i sent you a text telling you I was having a baby, why not actually send me a text asking how I am even once?Our first baby due 25th May 2014 :T
Maternity leave fund: £3000/£6000 :T0 -
mysecretalias wrote: »so that I can simply tell my daughter I tried to make a relationship work for her sake, if my mother doesn't want to know.
Why?
If your family is as bad as you say they are why would you try to encourage a relationship between them and your unborn child. You feel your relationship with your family is damaging to you. Surely, you should keep your daughter away from that.
I may very well be taking a huge leap and making assumptions but you seem to suggest that your brother has done terrible things to you in the past. If I were in your shoes I would want to keep my daughter far away from anyone like that.
Sorry - my response sounds harsh. But if things were so bad I don't really understand why you'd want to go back.
My recommendation would be to carry on as you are and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy without the stress that would no doubt be involved in re-engaging with your family.0 -
Kayalana99 wrote: »IMO sorry for not posting much I was never good for advice!
But you sound just like my best friend - she grew up with my pratically in school but lived with her Dad - her mum was unbearable but she seeked 'mother love' because her Dad didn't know how to show her affection. (He would give her all money in the world but hugs off the table kind of relationship)
She spent near 7 years before she gave up contact with her Mum, her mum brought her down...treated her like nothing...putting her brother on a throne & she went in head first without listening to anyone because of her 'need' to have a mother only to cry on my shoulder again and again and again..
The fact is some people are dealt good cards and some people are dealt bad cards...and although alot of people would say you should always try...I don't believe this at all some people aren't worth having a relationship with.
Thank you Kayalana. I totally can relate to your friend. I have, though, now dealt with the resentment I once held that most people get at least one loving parent and unfortunately I ended up with none. This is why it surprised me that I was a little upset when I found out she had been told I was having a baby on Christmas Day, and she hadn't bothered to contact me. I knew that it was because she only cares that she wasn't told and no doubt that would have made me even more of a horrible person in her eyes so I wasn't surprised that she hadn't bothered getting in touch, but it still surprised me that I was a little upset by it. I guess part of me will always be a little upset that I can't have a relationship with my mum, as a mum and daughter. I just don't want MY daughter growing up harbouring any resentment towards me for not having her 'nan' in her life.Our first baby due 25th May 2014 :T
Maternity leave fund: £3000/£6000 :T0 -
mysecretalias wrote: »I just don't want to end up feeling guilty that I didn't at least try a little bit.
The alternative is that you'll feel guilty when your daughter feels the effects of the toxic environment that seems to surround your family.0 -
I dont see the point in trying to restart the relationship just because of the baby coming. If anything its a reason not to if its likely to cause more stress etc.
At the end of the day, she is the parent. If she hasn't bothered to contact you since you told her you were pregnant, then why is anything else going to change when you actually have the baby? I cant imagine why she would suddenly become a great grand mother.
I think your husband is right. And if your mother wants to get involved, then she could do the leg work to prove shes interested, whereas if you are the one to initiate contact all the time and it doesnt work, all that will happen is you will get hurt.0 -
Opening the door to a violent brother (uncle to be) and hopeless mother (grandmother to be) does not seem the best way for a new life.
You asked about feeling guilty about not leaving the door open - you did when you let her know about the pregnancy / she was told about it - the next step is clearly in her court (a single one word text really, really doesn't count).0 -
Why?
If your family is as bad as you say they are why would you try to encourage a relationship between them and your unborn child. You feel your relationship with your family is damaging to you. Surely, you should keep your daughter away from that.
I may very well be taking a huge leap and making assumptions but you seem to suggest that your brother has done terrible things to you in the past. If I were in your shoes I would want to keep my daughter far away from anyone like that.
Sorry - my response sounds harsh. But if things were so bad I don't really understand why you'd want to go back.
My recommendation would be to carry on as you are and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy without the stress that would no doubt be involved in re-engaging with your family.
Fannyanna thank you. Your response doesn't seem harsh at all, believe me. And also believe me when I say the day I left that house early last year, I made a vow to my other half, and myself, NEVER to set foot in that house ever again. And I will still never break that vow.
I guess the naive part of me thought I could consider trying to have some sort of a civil relationship with my mother, totally away from everywhere and everyone, to start exploring the idea of her maybe having a little bit of contact with my daughter when she is born, with me and my other half there.
I would never ever allow her to take my daughter to look after her unsupervised for even one moment. I have no doubt at all that if I did even for an hour, that she would involve my brother straight away and let him meet my daughter, because no doubt he would bully her into him meeting his 'niece' (he will never exist as my brother let alone as an uncle to my daughter). I can't say for sure that he would try to hurt my daughter but as far as I am concerned he does not exist to me anymore.
My brother is the mini clone of his father who was an extremely unpleasant person - and no doubt another bridge for me to cross in the next few weeks will be my father (I shudder even writing that) attempting to get in contact with me once he catches wind via my brother, about my baby. I have no doubt when this happens I will have to go to court to get a restraining order - he is a nasty piece of work and will deliberately make my life a misery as he has done in the past.
Sorry, I digress!!! Thank you for the advice fannyanna, that's what I meant to say without going into 25 additional issues!!!!
Our first baby due 25th May 2014 :T
Maternity leave fund: £3000/£6000 :T0
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