How do I deal with my teenage son

GobbledyGook

Does your husband do chores? We (well OH mainly) didn't realise the bad example we were setting to the kids until my eldest used the exact phrase OH uses when he moans about taking the wheelie bin out every week.

I can only imagine that being at school when you are not academic and you know you have to be there for another year it must be like being stuck in the worst job in the world with no hope of affording to leave.

He doesn't sound that unusual to me. If he's at school then does he really need to be job hunting as well?

alwaysworried_2

Thank you everyone for replying, I really do appreciate it.

My husband does engage with my son. Both of them like play station games, so they play those together. many times has my husband asked my son to go and play sports with him ie squash, golf and even asked him to go fishing and camping trips, but my son doesn't want to. My son does like going bike rides so my husband bought a bike and when the weather is dry they do go bike trips together, As a family we all go hill walking.

We are a close family and do discuss things, but this is one issue where my son doesn't want to talk. He asked if he could leave school last year, I told him he could if he had a job or had a college course but he didn't want to work or go to college.

My son does see my husband doing household chores so it's not as if he is following his lead that way. when the weather is dry my husband asks my son to cut the grass whilst husband is at work but again it's a moaning match.

I know he must be lost, but I don't know what way to guide him. He has been to see a careers advisor at school and she told him he would need to get some experience because other than computers he has no interests.

One thing I can say about him is he is a people person he loves talking to people. he seems to attract all folk no matter where he is. he said to me one time about that and I explained it was a wonderful thing for people to talk and open up to someone especially someone they didn't know. he is a lovely boy but I do agree is is very lost when it comes to his future however, he does think everything should be handed to him on a plate. earlier tonight he asked if he could go and live with his aunt and uncle who are in Australia for the summer. I told him no because we can't afford the cost of this, so cue slamming of the doors etc.

To the poster who said she lost her son, I am deeply sorry for your loss and I do understand what you are going through. I lost my daughter 20 years ago, she would have been 25 this year.

alwaysworried_2

The job hunting thing is something I think he should do especially when he is talking about wanting driving lessons this year which will eventually lead to a car and insurance all of which I cannot afford.

For his birthday this year he has asked for the driving lessons and a play station 4. I cannot afford to give him all of this even if it wanted to.

he doesn't have a big circle of friends, and what I'm also afraid of is he will lose the ones he does have when they leave school (which will be this summer) as they all seem to know what they want to done college course etc. I'm frightened I case he becomes a hermit. when he comes home from school he is straight into his pyjamas and sits at the play station. it just don't think this is healthy and again have tried to speak to him about it, but he says he is happy doing this! Maybe I should just back off and let him realise things for himself.

Oh and to the poster who said about here cadets.....been there, took actually forced him to go to the air cadets for a year, he hated it and it made him really unhappy so he stopped going.

I don't want to come across as being pushy I'm not I'm sorry if I am, I'm just really worried about my boys future, but other members of the family ie gran, aunts are worried too.

thorsoak

Has he prepared a CV? Or does he have a record book? Why not get him to take it round to all the Games/computer shops and try for a Saturday job ....and suggest that he could save up himself for a trip to Australia next year??

GobbledyGook

Could you use the fact he wants to go to Australia to start a discussion about a job?

Perhaps he's not going to be able to save enough, but it could be something he could aim towards next summer.

You could help him, but suggesting he does his chores and could even think of ways to increase that (boy next door to us washes my car every Sunday for £5 and he also picks up newspapers on a Sunday for most of the street - he's saving for a trip to New York)?

Having a reason to earn could be the kick he needs?

fairy_lights

He sounds pretty normal to me!
When I was his age I had no drive or ambition, I didn't really have any strong interests and passed my Gcse's by the skin of my teeth, many of my friends were the same. When you're that age and have so little life experience it can be very difficult to envisage yourself in the adult world. I don't think ambitions are really necessary at your sons age, he is still developing as a person and many people who do have concrete career plans as teenagers end up going down completely different paths in the end.


For what it's worth I don't think that removing his computer or games console is going to help the situation, you're punishing him for behaviour that isn't truthfully that bad, and it will only make him angrier at you and less likely to want to listen to what you have to say.

Brighton_belle

alwaysworried wrote: »

when he comes home from school he is straight into his pyjamas

He's getting into his pyjamas by 5pm? That seems very odd to me.

securityguy

alwaysworried wrote: »

Thank you everyone for replying, I really do appreciate it.

My husband does engage with my son. Both of them like play station games, so they play those together. .

Where's that emoticon? Oh yes: :wall:

jinty271

Having raised 2 x teenage sons myself - I would say that whilst you should continue to encourage and support him ( they can be lazy) the last thing you want to do is back them into a corner by nagging and laying out unreasonable expectations. If his behaviour is not anti-social, or causing domestic problems, I would back off a little, and let him find his own way. My sons ( 24 & 22) have never had a day out of work, both now have their own homes and cars and girlfriends.

Looking at some of my friends kids, and their REAL issues, I think we chose the right path.

mrsscattercushion

Brighton_belle wrote: »

He's getting into his pyjamas by 5pm? That seems very odd to me.

Actually, not that odd, I know many people come home from work and put on pj's/dressing gowns etc as comfy clothes for the evening.


he does sounds like many teenagers at this stage, not sure of what they want, probably no real concept of thinking ahead more than one day at a time hence wanting things "now" and not understanding/appreciating the graft that is needed to get there...


One thing that did struck me is when he came up with an idea about what he wanted to do i.e. go to Australia, your immediate answer was "no". From his perspective, the slamming doors was possibly about "so she wants me to come up with ideas and when I do the answer is an immediate no"...as others have said, what might be an idea to revisit this with him and go "okay, if that's your goal, how can this be achieved/what can you do and what can we do to support you with it?" for a teenager, trying to get alongside them (easier said than done) can work better than appearing to them always to be in conflict/telling them what to do etc.


Good luck, it is a tough time at that age trying to find your identity especially at it appears that everyone else around him has an idea of what they want...I was lucky, as a young person knew what I wanted to do and still work in that field (even if most days at mo I regret it!!)


Good luck!